CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“How are you feeling?” Dr. Scott asked.
Savannah squeezed a wet Kleenex she had in her hand. The need to talk to Dr. Scott had enveloped her like an intense hunger. She had called his office all day until his secretary squeezed her in at 4:30. Even though she had rushed to be there, initially the words were evasive to her. She choked whenever she thought of what she was going to say. The sorrow that had built inside of her overwhelmed her and she had bawled her eyes out in his office.
“Not too good.” She said barely above a whisper. “I told myself that I would be able to handle it, but I can’t. I’m scared.”
Dr. Scott looked at her and scribbled something in his notebook. She didn’t even care. Her life was over. Her eyes were sore, and her head ached. She had spent the past few days crying into her pillow. She was glad that school and day care kept the boys away for at least six hours. And then she would have more time because the boys would be with Thomas for a few hours after school. She was glad that the weekend had finally arrived. She hadn’t found the courage to tell them she might be sick. They wouldn’t fully understand and having to explain to them that she could die would most certainly kill her.
“What is different about now?”
Savannah wiped her running nose. “I was always scared. But that was before I knew him. Knew Dwight. Losing my boys will destroy me. But now I’m losing Dwight and Izzy. It’s too much.”
“So, you are willing to let him take care of you?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t know if I can handle being an invalid, relying on someone else.”
“Well, that’s what some people do when they find out that a loved one could be sick. Wouldn’t you do the same?” He watched her.
“Well, that’s different. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to take care of me.” Her eyes welled up.
“So, you don’t want to feel like a burden?” He scribbled more notes.
“I guess that’s what I’m saying. People have enough problems without me adding to them. Besides, Kim is already going to have to take care of the boys.”
“What would make you think that your friends would not be there to help you if you needed them? Your family? Or Dwight?” He asked her, picking up a small bottle of water.
“I don’t know. You know what? I’m not feeling too good. You mind if we end early?” Savannah gathered her things and stood up.
Dr. Scott put his pad on the desk next to his chair and stood up as well. His face expressionless, he reached for her hand. “I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. But there are plenty of people that have beaten cancer. This isn’t a death sentence. I would like to see you again. I think I can help you through this, but you must stick it out. Even when things get to be too much, you have to promise that you won’t give up on this.”
Savannah just stared at him. The last thing she needed was a lecture. But her alternative was to sit curled up in the corner of the bathroom and cry her heart out while her boys were sleeping. “Fine.” She said curtly and sat back down.
Dr. Scott returned to his chair as well. “So, Kim has agreed to take your sons? How do you feel about that?”
She looked at him.
“I’m not being grim here. But the best way to handle a situation is to be as prepared for it as you can be. What you also have to realize is that this is not a punishment for some infraction you’ve committed in a past life or something. It happens to people all the time.”
“I just never thought that it would be me, you know? I just wish I would have known. I would have done more with my life. Traveled more. Spent more time with Jake and Nicholas. Loved more.” Savannah choked on a sob.
“I want you to start a journal. Today.” Dr. Scott reached for the notebook under his chair. “Your assignment is to write down everything that you are feeling from here on out. Whenever you have a question, or you want to scream something. Or when you just want to get something off your mind, write it in this book. Many of my patients have found it to be quite therapeutic.” He handed it to her.
Savannah ran her fingers over the glossy exterior of the book in her hand. Trying to sum up all her emotions into words was preposterous. This was complex and she didn’t put much faith in trivial anecdotes and memories, as if she were some virginal sixteen-year-old girl writing about her first kiss.
“Will this take the place of my sessions with you?”
“No. But in between your time here, you’ll have the book.” Thirty minutes later, Savannah hurried from Dr. Scott’s office, the unwanted book tucked into her large tote bag.
***
Savannah opened her eyes to darkness. She sat up quickly, initially unaware of her surroundings. After a few minutes, she recognized her own living room. Wiping her eyes, she checked the time. Nine. Thomas would be by soon to drop the boys off. Savannah dragged herself from the couch and walked to the bathroom. In the mirror, she stared back at swollen eyes, disheveled hair, and pale skin.
Hearing a knock on the door, she splashed her face and brushed her hair. “Coming!” She yelled. Savannah yanked the door open to see Thomas with Nicholas in his arms and Jake standing next to him.
“Hey,” He said, nudging Jake towards her. “Sorry we’re a little late. The boys wanted to finish their pizza.”
“No problem. You can put Nicholas in his room if you don’t mind.”
While Thomas disappeared down the hall, Savannah helped Jake get ready for bed. “Did you have fun with your dad today?” She asked, pulling his shirt over his head.
“Yea. We went to Chuck E Cheese and played all these games. We ate a whole bunch of pizza. It was fun.”
“I’m glad you had fun baby.” She sniffled.
“You okay, Mommy?”
“Yea baby. I’m fine. Now go brush your teeth and get into bed, ok.” She kissed his forehead and watched him run down the hall.
“They eat like grown men.” Thomas said as he made his way back down the hall towards Savannah.
“Yea.” Savannah tried to hide her face.
“Sav, you ok? That chump do something to you?”
“No. Nothing like that. I think I’m getting sick.”
Thomas edged closer to her. “Have you forgotten that we were married? I know you Sav and I know when you’re not telling me something. I’m not leaving until you spill it.” He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the hallway wall.
Savannah stared at him for a few minutes until she realized he had no intentions of leaving. Sighing, she spoke. “I… um…have cancer.”
Thomas’s chest deflated and he slid down into the chair near the door. Savannah had not expected him to respond at all. She had prepared herself for the nonchalance and indifference that was his way. But looking at him with misty eyes and a grim expression made her question who it was that she was looking at.
“I am so sorry, Sav. I-I just don’t know what to say.”
“It’s okay. I’m not looking for you to say anything.”
Thomas stared at her for a while. She squirmed under his gaze, uncomfortable at the silence. She cleared her throat a few times, hoping to distract him, but his eyes burned into hers. She looked away first and Thomas stood up. “I know I’ve been a jerk to you all these years. But I swear Savannah, if you ever need anything, I don’t care what it is, you let me know.”