Chapter 154: Sad State Of Affairs

Rain

It’s rather bizarre to watch your life happen in front of you, but you are in the back seat, not the one in the driver’s seat anymore. It is like watching a movie up on a big screen. I can see and hear everything, but it’s not me, not really. I am completely removed from what this person is doing.

I almost cracked when the kids responded to her so badly, but I couldn’t afford to do that. They can adjust to her; I know they can. The only other alternative is death or them being taken away from me. So, this is now how it has to be. It takes about three miserable days before they start to relax. They are not as emotionally attached to her, so all of their responses are different. I do wonder if this will in fact end up causing everything to implode, but I am caught between several impossibilities.

So, I just watch, and I think. It’s weird, watching someone be you or whatever, but having the ability to think around it. There is no thought to her actions, purely response and act. No thought or true feeling, just physical responses that she knows she is required to provide. Rather like she is running on pure programming or something. It’s weird, but it is what it is.

I had never wanted nor planned to stay here. I still don’t think of any of these people as my family. They are my enemies in every possible way. Her, she can interact with them because she feels nothing. Her, she can live here among them and be what they want with no repercussions. She simply exists, performs, and that is it.

Sade took her and the kids to the new house he had built. I hate it. I would have hated it just because of where it is. The fact that it is built of nothing but lies and deceit makes it horrendous to me. It’s good that I don’t have to live there. I can live here, locked away inside, with no worries about how I could react to anything.

Time is weird in here. I can peek out at what’s happening, but then all of a sudden I realize it’s been several days or a few weeks. Sade mentioned something about us needing to be in Chicago, and that he has a couple of houses for us to look at and pick where we want to live, but he needs to be there, so we are leaving and moving back there. That is the only thing that clues me into the fact that it’s been a while, I guess. After that, I stop paying attention again.

The next thing I realize is we are living in a new house. I don’t know this house. I don’t care to know this house. This is her house. This is Sade’s house. So, she can live with him and keep him happy, and we can keep the kids with us. I can see them sometimes, so at least I know they are not totally gone from us.

I did a very dangerous thing the other day. It scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t resist anymore, so I came back for a few hours so I could spend time with my kids. They both lit up around me and smiled more than I have seen in a very long time. It bothered me how much bigger they have gotten since I have spent time with them. She spends time with them and takes care of them, not me. I feel like I’m dangerous to them; because of me, they would get taken away. So, I only stay for a while. They are upset the rest of the night, so maybe it wasn’t such a good thing.

I have decided I need to do something. Something completely drastic, or I will rot in here while she lives with Sade and tries to take care of my kids. It was seeing how unhappy the kids are after I went away again that made up my mind. I have to be careful. I know Sade watches, so I have to be very careful. He can never know.

Sade

I have been racking my brain for months about what to do. We had her speak to a psychiatrist who said she is suffering from traumatic dissociation. The only thing we can do is try to help her get over the trauma that caused the dissociation. He said it could be temporary or permanent, depending on the situation. We had her with a therapist, but it did no good, because she talked about nothing important. Whatever is left of Rain, it is buried, and I can’t find her.

The kids have had a hard time. They have adjusted, but there is not the relationship with her and them anymore. She is no longer that fierce mama bear who would do anything for the kids. No, this woman is just like a nanny. She cares for them, goes through all of the motions, does and says everything perfectly, but the emotion behind it is empty. The kids know it, and I know it.

I don’t know if it was the idea that I told her she was hurting them with what she was doing, or if she just broke so damn bad that she can’t find her way back? We stayed with her family for a while, but eventually not only did it get too uncomfortable with everyone, but I needed to be in Chicago. So, we moved back here.

The more I watch her, the lonelier I get. I miss the woman I have loved since she was eight years old. I miss Rain. I know I can’t blame anyone else for the current state of affairs besides myself. I didn’t want to live without her, so I kept her with me and demanded that she let me make her happy. Now, I am living without her anyway, because the body that is currently walking around in her place is all that is left.

I finally saw one spark of the old Rain, and I have watched that camera footage over and over so many times. She spent the afternoon with the kids. It was her and them at the house. I had meetings with Tomilino at the office. I had just sat at my desk and decided to check on the state of affairs at the house. When I pulled up the live camera feed, my kids were laughing. They were laughing with Rain, and she was playing with them.

I was frozen just watching her be more like her old self than I have seen in months. She didn’t stay that way, though. So, I go over and over the footage, watching the whole afternoon, over and over again, listening to all of them laugh.