Chapter 50: 'You can't just be friends with someone you're in love with.'-2

"Because I felt sorry for you." I shake my head in disbelief. I hate it when people pity me because of what happened to my dad, and I never expected Zeke to be like that. "No. You want to be good. You want to stop. Why are you saying this?" "There you go again fucking acting like you know shit. Just fucking shut up." My head jerks backwards from the impact of his words, as if he had physically punched me. It feels like there is a knife in my throat as I try to hold back tears. I will not cry in front of him again. "You need to stay away from me," he says, sternly. I shake my head, fighting the tears. "Yes. I don't want to know you anymore." He looks me straight in the eyes, showing no emotion on his face. "You were just my babysitter. But I don't need you anymore, so let's both move on with our lives." He doesn't need me anymore. The tears spill from my eyes and my legs feel weak. Why does it hurt so much. His face softens a little from the sight of my tears, but goes rock solid again. He looks a little relived to see me crying. As if he's achieved his goal, he turns around and goes to his car door. "Zeke, p-please," I choke. I want to kick myself because of the pathetic sound that came from my mouth. "Marnie," he says my name slowly. "Stay away." I stand there crying as he gets in his car and pulls out of the parking spot, then drives away. I can't move. I feel like if I do, I'll fall. I'll fall on the ground and cry and I won't be able to stop. I want to think this is just another one of our arguments, but it was much more serious. He doesn't need me anymore. He doesn't want me. I want him to want me. I don't want to go back to when I didn't know him. Everything Im feeling right now, it's ten times worse than what I felt when Mason cheated, but Zeke didn't cheat on me. We aren't dating. He's my friend who doesn't want me in his life anymore. I can get over this, I can forget about him like i've done with everyone else who's shown me that they don't want me anymore. Zeke didn't show me though, he told me. Although, I don't want to forget about him. I need him, even if he doesn't need me. I need to see his young baby smile everyday – the only I have to the fragile, sad boy underneath his tough, untouchable act. I need him to show me how to do things that i'd never even thought of doing. I need him to show me how to be more reckless; how to stop overthinking everything. I need him to be that person I can call an asshole everyday. Shit, I need him. I realise that I'm standing in the parking lot crying and shaking, and people are looking at me, but it doesn't matter. I don't care. I wish Zeke would come back and tell me he was kidding, that he wants me and i'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. I wish he'd hold me against his chest like the day Mason cheated. I feel like i've been through the worst breakup in my life. But how can I have been through a breakup with someone I was never even with? "Marnie? Oh my god, are you okay?" Zoey grabs my shoulders. "What happened?" All I do is shake my head. I can't get words out right now. Cole is there too, looking at me in a way as if he knows why I'm upset. "Let's go, do you want to come to my house?" I nod. I want the comfort of my best friend right now. She says goodbye to Cole and leads me to her car. I let my hair fall in front of my face so people can't see my hysterical expression. On the ride to her house, I explain to Zoey about what Zeke said to me, leaving out that he dealt drugs and about his ex-girlfriend. He obviously doesn't want people to know. "I just don't get it," Zoey says as she unlocks the front door and we walk into her house. "He's totally into you. Why would he just change all of a sudden?" "He's not into me," I roll my eyes. I need to remind her of that every time we talk about Zeke. "Yeah, yeah. But seriously, maybe he was just in a bad mood or something." I shake my head. "I've seen him in bad moods. He was serious this time." I plop myself down on her living room couch with a sigh. "What do you wanna watch?" She ask, sitting down beside me and picking up the TV remote. "Nothing." "Okay... You wanna order food?" "Eating is so much effort." She gasps. "You did not just say that." She grabs onto my shoulders and comes up close to my face. "Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?" I push her hands off. "I just want to think." "You're like really depressed over this, aren't you?" "I am not depressed. I just want to sit here and think about how everything sucks and then roll into a hole and cry." She raises her eyebrows. "You're crazy about him." "I am not." When will she stop with this nonsense? "Marnie, you're in denial. You think that you could never like Zeke because of who he is, but you do. You fucking love the guy, but you can't admit it to yourself." "I'm not... I don't," my pulse quickens as I try to defend myself. "We're so different, it's impossible for me to like him." "But you do." "I don't." "Marnie, think about it. I know this is hard for you because you have some serious issues, but it's time to face the facts." "Really, Zoe. It's not like that. You think I like him just because we are friends. Guys and girls can be friends, you know. And because I think he's hot, of course I do. Everyone does." "It's not that." "Then what?" "It's the way you talk about him. You speak of him as if he's the most amazing thing in the world; you call him an asshole meanwhile you're smiling and looking at him lovingly. He's the only person you pay attention to in a room full of people. When I look at you, your eyes are always on him. When he wasn't at school that one day, you looked bored and I could see the way you kept looking around as if he'd walk in the door at any second. You do all these things and you don't even realise it – you think you're just friends. You're not. You can't just be friends with someone you're in love with." Zoey's lecture leaves me speechless. Is it possible for me to have a crush on Zeke? He's the opposite of me. Oh God. How could I have allowed myself to fall for him? I know he's a player, he doesn't care about girls' feelings. "I like him," I whisper, more to myself. "Finally! Hallelujah praise the lord!" "No, no, no. This isn't good, Zoe. This just means that i'm vulnerable to him. He can hurt me and he will," I pause. "He already did." "Forget about what he said today. Once he find out you're into him, he'll come running back and jump into your arms." "No! He can't find out. He'll think i'm just another pathetic chick with a crush on him." Zoey shakes her head. "I'll keep my mouth shut, but you can't keep these feelings to yourself. You won't just get over him – it's not as easy as that." "I can try." +++