65. Still Confused
Asahd’s POV:
I went up the huge stairway with a smile on my lips. I’d finally admitted it and had told her. What had convinced me that it was love I felt for her, were how complicated my feelings were concerning her. How jealous I was towards Noure but most especially, how Saïda made me feel. She made me feel like no other girl had before. I could spend a week away from all of my former girlfriends or stay without seeing them for days, yet I’d never reacted the way I’d done with Saïda.
Irony was, Saïda had not even been away. She’d been in that palace with me throughout that week, yet I missed and craved her like she was a thousand miles away from me.
I’d felt like if I had not kissed her before retiring to my room, I would’ve gone crazy or something. The need to kiss her had caused some heat and frustration in me, making me uncomfortable and making it feel like my tie was choking me and my suit swallowing me up or something. My reaction had surprised me because never ever had it happened before. My heart was palpitating and all I’d thought of was to find her and kiss her. Kiss my frustration and desire away for a while. Because for sure, they weren’t gone and would never be.
′If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.
It is love. But with a tad bit of obsession in it. Perfect.′
I thought in amusement, finally getting to the top of the stairway. I couldn’t keep the smile I had on, off my face. Still feeling the taste of her strawberry ChapStick, I ran my tongue over my bottom lip. I had to have her. I had to.
--
Saïda’s POV:
It’d been thirty minutes since Asahd had left me in a terrible state of confusion, anxiety and want. I stared at my reflection in the mirror of my bath. I’d sobbed a little and so my face was stained with dried tears. I was so confused and my heart seemed to ache. I couldn’t stop thinking of his words..
-I’m deeply in love with you, Saïda...-
I buried my face in my palms again. I had mixed feelings. I was sad because my head was even more messed up as well as my feelings, but deep down somewhere in me, his confession had caused a sweet spark, a sweet feeling. One that felt like either relief or happiness. I didn’t know which exactly and all the thinking made my head hurt.
′Saïda you love Noure.′
I tried hard to keep my thoughts focused on that. On Noure.
“I have to go see him,” I thought, bending over and opening the sink to wash my face. “I have to tell him not to come here until our engagement. We’ll meet elsewhere. But never here. Not with Asahd around.”
I’d taken Asahd’s little threat seriously. I knew what he was capable of. He had no shame and definitely did not care. And cherry on top, he was so stubborn and would ignore my pleas if I went to beg him. Proof was when, during our last night in New York, I’d begged him to stay away from me once back in Zagreh. He was so stubborn and literally argued with me. I’d begged him and had tried to convince him but it seemed like I’d been talking to a brick wall. If I’d not used the ruse of telling him that if he cared for me, he had to stay away, Asahd would’ve never accepted. And even till then, it was lie! He’d promised and yet, he kissed me and broke his promise a week after our return. Some part of me knew it would happen, that he would break it, but I’d wanted to be optimistic. To believe he would keep it!
What had just happened was another proof. I’d begged him not to approach me, to leave me alone but he caught and kissed me.
I’d begged him to stop but he’d kissed me deeper. I’d asked him why he was doing this to me but he ignored my pleas and question. He told me...he loved me. I begged him not to say that, but he repeated it, being deaf to every single plea of mine. I told him I loved Noure to drive him away but he mocked it off, calling my words “blabber” and saying that he’d not come to listen to me but for me to listen to him. He’d actually threatened to react inappropriately if he saw Noure and I in the palace together. I saw in his eyes that he meant every single word.
That was who I was messing with. That was Asahd Usaïd. Once he’d set his mind on something, it was rare that he changed plans. He was so stubborn and determined.
What disturbed me most was that I knew that deep down, I loved his way of being. I liked how stubborn and determined he was. Yes I was begging him to stop and when he didn’t, it would awaken something in me, cause a sweet reaction deep down, hidden somewhere in me. That was just how confused I was. I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. The fact I was denying and finding it hard to admit was that Asahd had touched a spot in me. He’d awakened something in me. It had forced me to have feelings for two men at the same time. I loved Noure but what I felt for Asahd had no name. It was a mystery to me. It’d caused so much confusion in me and seemed to grow even more powerful with each day. What could I do to get rid of it? Did I want to get rid of it?
“Oh no,” I covered my face again, feeling my eyes prickle.
′Is it because he made me discover a lot of things I never had, before?? That must be it! Maybe that’s the secret. Or is it? It must be.′
I left my bathroom with more confused thoughts. I grabbed my phone and texted Noure. He soon replied:
-Sure my love. We can meet. Come to my place, my parents are gone for the day.-
-okay.-
I immediately wore my flats and left.
Noure and I were seated in his parents huge living room.
“So how are you doing, my love?” he asked, kissing the top of my hand.
“I’m okay,” I cleared my throat a little. “Darling I came to tell you that maybe we should stop meeting in the palace.”
“Why?”
“I think my father doesn’t really like the idea of us seeing each this often,” I lied.
“But sweetheart you are finally twenty and our engagement is close. Our parents have finally allowed us to see each other a little bit more.”
“Yes, but I think my father isn’t still okay with it. Please understand me.”
“Hm. Okay my dear. You can come here whenever you want.”
“Thank you,” I smiled, relieved. I leaned in and was going to kiss his cheek but he moved a little and I ended up kissing his chin.
’...-You missed, Saida.-...′
I heard Asahd’s amused voice in my own head!
I froze and looked at Noure, hoping he would say the same thing. But instead, he chuckled a little.
“Was it on purpose?” he mused.
“No,” I muttered, feeling a bit disappointed. “I was aiming for your cheek.”
“Are you okay? You look kinda worried or something.”
“I’m fine,” I forced a smile.
“Oh. Well I want to kiss you on the lips,” he smiled and leaned in to kiss me.
I kissed him back in frustration and hoping he would cause something in me like the very first time we kissed. But nothing happened and so I kissed him deeper, holding his face in my hands.
I felt a lump in my throat as I did so because I still felt nothing at all. And something was irritating me. The fact that he did nothing but kiss me back, his hands on my waist. He didn’t caress or hold me tight against him till my breasts pressed flat against his chest. Till I could feel his heartbeat. He didn’t murmur how much he wanted me against my lips, the way Asahd always did.
“Noure, please touch me,” the words left my mouth in a low whisper before I could think. I hoped he hadn’t heard but apparently he had. Noure was clearly surprised because he slowly broke the kiss and looked at me. I reddened.
“Darling, what is it?” he asked with concern. “You’re acting quite strangely today. Is everything alright?”
′No. no.′
“Yeah, I–I’m just tired,” I stood. “Lemme go home and rest.”
“Okay, my Darling. I’ll just drive you back.”
“Okay.”
-
He drove me back to the palace but did not enter the property because I asked him not to.
“Call me tonight, okay? So I know if you feel better.”
“Alright. Bye dear,” I knocked on the large gates and they were slightly opened. I went in.
Asahd’s POV:
I’d just showered and had left my bathroom in nothing but my robe. I was looking out my room’s window and had seen Noure drop Saïda off. My room was high up and so I could see over the tall and large gates.
There was a lump in my throat yet I smiled it off.
“She’s probably decided not to meet him in here,” I muttered. “That’s fine by me. For the moment.”
I watched Saïda walk and cut through the lawn. She looked nervous.
“My sweetheart,” I muttered with a little smile, rubbing the back of my neck. “I love you so much.”
I swallowed, feeling so frustrated. Watching her was enough to give me goosebumps. I rubbed my arms.
′There’s no way you can run. And especially not here, Saïda. I have some power here a lot. And when I’ll start calling you to my room, you’ll have no choice but to come. I start tonight.′
~~~~
•AN: She's in for so much