Chapter 19: Drowning In Emotions

"Marcus" A voice kept calling as the darkness faded and light flooded in. At first he struggled to remember what had happened. But as his eyes began to focus, he recalled everything that had happened right up until he hit the floor.

His sister was gone. Murdered by the shadow people. For the first time since seeing her body, it finally sank in. As it did he sat bolt upright, not bothering to take in his surroundings for he did not care for where he was nor how he got there. He noticed Julianna sat next to him, he noticed Joshua in front of him, but he couldn't focus on them either. The only thing he could focus on was the intense pain that filled his heart. There was nothing on the planet that could hurt more.

Unable to take it anymore, he yelled and screamed, not even actual words, only sounds. He did it until his throat hurt from the strain on his voice box. Once he no longer had it in him to do so, he just cried. He felt so much but he didn't know how to release it. He felt more emotions than he had in his entire life.

Anger.

At himself for not being fast enough. For not protecting his little sister.

Pain.

He hit the ground pretty hard when he fell. The physical pain wasn't even the worst part. It was his thoughts and feelings that were slowly killing him.

Shock.

Seeing Joshua with red eyes and seven tails was the last thing he expected. He also couldn't believe what had happened to Layla. Nor any of the events that had gone down since that first conversation with his parents.

Grief.

He loved his sister, and he missed her terribly. To think that he was never going to see her again or speak to her again, was unlike anything else. He hoped that he wouldn't lose anyone else.

That last thought made him snap. The feeling of his heart breaking was almost physical. He screwed his face up and sucked in a deep breath. Then he released everything that had been building up over the last few days.

"IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" He yelled at the top of his lungs causing Julianna to jump back. She had never seen Marcus like this before and it scared her greatly. Then he jumped up from the sofa, now realising he was back in Eric's cabin, he noticed his stepbrother and the pregnant witch watching him from the other side of the room, with helpless expressions full of sorrow.

He couldn't take another minute in this little shack with everyone's eyes on him. Without a word to any of them he stormed outside. Slamming the door behind him causing the cabin to shake from the force of the slam.

"Someone should go after him?" Joshua stated, although making it sound like more of a question. He was really concerned for his best friend. Marcus was always so calm and composed, even in horrific situations, but this.... this was a new side of the raven haired boy that none of them in that room had seen.

"I think I should. I am the one who found her after all." Julianna replied, guilt washing over her. She rose to her feet and headed towards the door, taking one last look at her brother before exiting the cabin. She knew that this would be no easy task. Talking to Marcus when he was in a mood was difficult, but this wasn't just a mood. It was a raw and exposed wound that was causing him heaps of pain.

Outside it was cold. She walked a little deeper into the woods, and finally caught up to Marcus. He was on the forest floor, crying loudly and hysterically. Hearing him sound so broken, made her want to cry too. Clearly, he was not himself. It was understandable, but even still, it broke her heart to witness it.

Cautiously she approached him. Once she was right next to him, she sat besides him, extending her arm around his back. In return he fell into her arms and continued to cry out in pain as he felt her warm embrace. Being in her arms was definitely comforting, but nothing could numb this pain that had taken over. It would never go away.

"Marcus, I am so sorry. But there was nothing you could have done." Julianna tried reassuring, tears now escaping her eyes too. She felt utterly helpless.

For the first time since waking, Marcus lifted his head and looked straight at her. Though this time there was no warmth, love and care in his eyes. All of it was replaced by hatred, rage and grief.

The look he was giving her made her uncomfortable. He had looked at her in many ways before. Adoration. Annoyance. Sometimes anger. But never hatred. She could feel that he was about to do something, so she backed away. Knowing his new strengths, the endless possibilities of what he could do, frightened her.

"Nothing I could have done." He repeated, in a hiss. Without giving her the chance to reply he stood up and? continued.

"NO! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE JULIE! WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE. I COULD HAVE JUST LEFT YOU AFTER THAT GUARD ALMOST KILLED YOU!! I WOULD HAVE BEEN QUICKER WITHOUT YOU SLOWING ME DOWN. YOU AND YOUR STUPID TRUST OF NO GUARDS. WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING DO SOMETHING WHEN YOU BUSTED THAT DOOR OPEN? WERE YOU JUST TOO BUSY BEING SCARED AND SCREAMING. YEAH I BET YOU WERE. YOU STOOD THERE AND LET MY SISTER DIE. FOR THAT I CAN'T BE WITH YOU. BECAUSE NOW I FUCKING HATE YOU! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!" He yelled as she just stood there in complete shock. His words piercing her heart.

He had never yelled like that before and especially not at her. Now her heart was in pieces and she didn't want to be anywhere near him. Yes he was grieving but that didn't give him the right to be so mean to her. She was hurt, upset and furious, all at the same time. Never in her life had a boy spoken to her that way, because she had never allowed them to.

"I did try Marcus. But I'm only human. I am so sorry. I have said a thousand times. But I.... I can't even look at you right now." She cried, trying not to yell back. After finishing the last word, she turned her head, not letting him read her expression. In her eyes, he did not deserve a chance to even attempt to come back from his hurtful words.

"Well sorry isn't going to bring her back. Is it?" Marcus sneered. "Just go away..... look I don't wanna hurt you. I don't even know where my head is at right now. So please just go." He pleaded, in an almost whisper. Only now, was he coming to the realisation that what he had said to her was the worst words he had ever spoken in his entire life.

"It's a little too late for that. You already did hurt me, because nothing hurts worse than you telling me that you hate me and that it's my fault. Don't you think I feel guilty enough?" She quizzed, but started walking away before he could reply. It pained her to walk away but she would not let him fix this so easily. No matter how much she wanted to.

Once she was out of his sight, Marcus instantly fell back to the floor. He felt lost. What had he just done?

Julianna was trying to help him, to comfort him but he threw it back in her face. She did not deserve that. If anyone was to blame it wasn't her. It was his own fault for allowing Layla to be taken in the first place. The truth was, he needed her. Now more than ever.

So why was he pushing her away? 'God!' He thought to himself, 'I'm such an idiot.'

There was not a person or thing in the world he hated more than himself right now.

What kind of person was he becoming?

*******************

Once she was far enough away from him, she sank down against a tree. His words echoing in her mind. Not knowing what to do she just sat there and cried. She wanted so badly to run back to Marcus. Tell him that she loved him and that she was sorry, but now he hated her so it was no use.

What was she even sorry for? Not being quick enough? Not being able to get to Layla in time? Sorry that she died? Because she had already apologised for all of those things. She had nothing left to be sorry for. She had only tried to comfort him and for that he had completely destroyed her. She didn't think that he realised that he had just shattered her heart into pieces. He was the one that needed to be sorry now. It would take a lot of work for him to make it up to her now. She was not the kind of girl to allow herself to be treated like crap.

Hearing footsteps in front of her, after at least thirty minutes of being sat there, she looked up to see Marcus standing above her. Immediately she felt angry, but at the same time pain.

Why had he even bothered to come after her?

"What do you want? To tell me you hate me again? Been there. Done that. Wrote the country song. So you can just go now because I don't need to hear it." She stated quickly before he could even speak. There was no way she would even give him the chance to say anything else that was way out of line.

"That's not why I'm here." Marcus murmured.

"No? Then why are you here?" She questioned.

"Julie.... I am so sorry. I don't even know where to begin. I've done some thinking and had a little time to calm down and I'm thinking more rationally now." He explained, sitting down opposite her.

"And?" She asked, not feeling his apology yet. If he thought he could just strut right up to her with a weak apology then he was delusional.

"And yes, I'm really hurting at the moment. Losing my sister, and seeing her body in that state really messed me up. So much has happened recently too, and it kinda all just piled into one fit of rage." He continued to explain, looking straight at her. Of course, he knew that it was no excuse and that even if it was, excuses weren't a good enough reason for his behaviour.

"I know Marcus, and I understand. I get it. I've lost people too. My eldest brother Dalton died, there was nothing I could do. So I get it more than you think. It's okay for you to be hurt. It's okay for you to grieve. But do you know what's not okay?" She asked, feeling slightly less angry.

More than anything she just wanted to comfort him and have him comfort her, but she knew that if she did that then she would be teaching him that it was okay to yell at her like that and take out his anger on her. She wanted to teach him the opposite.

"It's not okay for you to treat me like crap. To tell me you hate me and pin the blame on me. It is no one's fault Marcus. Except the enemy's. Do you have any idea how much those words hurt coming from someone I loved?" She finished off, then waited for his reply.

She emphasised the word loved on purpose because the truth was that she wasn't so sure she could continue to love him the way she originally had.

"Look, I know that okay. I was stupid. I guess I just needed a moment to myself, which is why I walked out in the first place. Julie, I never meant to hurt you. I didn't mean any of what I said. You're right it isn't your fault. It's my own fault. Also, I could never hate you. In fact, you're the one person I really need right now. But I know that the way I acted was unforgivable so.... I understand if it's not possible." He explained, with a sad sigh.

"It's not impossible. You really hurt me Marcus, but despite that right now all I wanna do is wrap my arms around you and be there for you. But I need to know that you're not going to do it again. So I'm gonna give you the chance to prove yourself to me and we'll see how we go from there. Okay?" She asked, hoping that he would agree.

"Thank you. I promise you, I will not let you down again." He stated feeling relieved, grateful and stupid.

She would believe it when she saw it, she thought to herself. Though she didn't think he would dare belittle her like that again. Next time she wouldn't be so lenient.

"How about a hug?" She suggested.

"I could really use one of those right now." He agreed, wiping his eyes dry as they both stood up and wrapped their arms around each other in a tight hug.

"I still love you." She admitted.

"Really?.... I love you too." He replied, more relief washing over him. After the way he treated her she should hate him, yet here she was telling him she loved him. For the first time since Layla's death, he felt okay.

He knew that he definitely was not okay. Yet, in that moment he felt it.