Chapter 12

Today was my day off, so I had decided to go spend the day with my mom. I wasn't in the mood to spend my time with my mom in a nursing home today so I asked her doctor if she was allowed to go out—to which she gave me the go ahead. As long as we didn't have her exert herself too much or do anything that could be straining to the heart, I could take her out.

I just wanted to have fun with mom today after all these years of not being able to do much together. First we went to a game arcade which was actually more fun than I thought it would be. The fact that mom kicked my butt at almost every single game -no matter how simple it was- had me in surprise. I had told her that the next time we hung out that she would definitely have to teach me how to be a pro like her. Afterwards, we went to the park and got ice cream. I wasn't sure if mom was allowed to eat ice cream with her condition but she reassured me that she could and that she had a heart issue and not diabetes. Leave it to my mom to be witty like that.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" Mom asked me out of the blue.

"What? What do you mean?" I asked looking at her confused.

"I may have been deprived of spending the last 6 years with you but I've known you all your life and I know when something is up with you." Mom replied looking directly at me.

I just had to admire how beautiful she was. I could only imagine what she was like when she was younger or even my age. She must've broken a lot of hearts back then. Especially for those guys who had no chance whatsoever with her. Speaking of guys and my mom, for the first time in years, I wondered what was it like when my mom met my father.

See, I had no idea who my father was. I grew up with just my mom until she got married to my stepfather who turned out to be a selfish ass after. You know how most kids would have asked about their father and such? I was never one of those kids. My mom never talked about my father and I had never once asked. I just knew that my mother was a teenage mom. She had me when she was only eighteen years old. And even in regards to other family members, I had no idea about them. I only knew my mom as the only family member. I didn't know if she had other family or relatives alive and I never asked.

Mom was always the best mother she could be. She gave me everything and all her love and I never once felt like I was missing anything or anyone growing up. I never inquired about her family or my Dad before. It wasn’t because I wasn’t curious but because growing up, I never wanted to make her feel awkward about having to answer my questions. Even when I had noticed the differences between the two of us eyes, I never questioned it.

Mom had brown eyes and I had sky blue eyes. I only assumed that whoever my father was, he must’ve had blue eyes too or maybe someone from her family. My mom and I had similar features and characteristics but the one major difference was our eyes. I was always curious about things but never wanted to ask but today was just one of those days where I wanted to know everything.

"Mom can I ask you something?" I sighed looking at her.

"Of course Amy, you know you can talk to me about anything." mom replied taking one of my hand in hers. “What’s bothering you?”

"I don't want you to feel awkward or guilty or anything. I just need to know the truth; I think I deserve to know after 22 years now." I said to her. "Mom, what was my father like?"

The look on my mom's face was shock, surprise, confused everything. It was like she was frozen at the moment and it made me felt guilty at the moment. If she never talked about it before it was probably because she wanted to forget. Maybe it was an extremely bad or traumatic experience and I had just reminded her of it.

"You know what, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. Can we just forget it?" I quickly announced.

"No, no. It’s okay, you deserve to know." mom finally replied. "It was selfish of me never to have told you about him before. I was always worried about the moment that you'd asked this question growing up as a kid, but I was quite surprised that you never did. I haven't thought about how hard it may have been for you not knowing anything."

" I never wanted you to feel awkward or guilty in anyway mom. But I've always wanted to know..."

"I met your father when I was eighteen years old. Back in Barbados..." Mom began.

"The Caribbean?" I practically yelled in shock. "You've been to the Caribbean?"

"I am from the Caribbean." mom replied surprising me completely.

"What? But you...we...how?" I stuttered. I was stunned at this revelation.  "How is it that I never knew that? I thought you were born here in the US."

"I was born here but I grew up in Barbados. My parents were from Barbados. Mom came here to visit when she was pregnant with me and happened to give birth here which automatically made me a citizen but I grew up in Barbados. Occasionally, I had to come back to the US being that I was born here." mom told me.

All this new revelation just brought up new questions. Like what happened to my grandparents? Did mom have any siblings or other family or relatives? If so, were they still alive?

"So what happened? Are they still alive? Did you have any other siblings or relatives? How come you ended up back here alone? Why haven't you told me about anyone before?" I asked question after question.

"Wow, those are a lot of questions." mom said letting out a nervous chuckle.

"Sorry, it's just that there's so much... so much I don't know. So much that I'd want to know and this is my only chance to learn at least half of the story." I responded.

"I had an older brother- Marten. He was five years older than I. And yes, we had other family members but when I left and move here, I never returned to Barbados and I never kept in touch. So as much as I've always hoped for the best, I don't know anything about them now or if they're alive." mom confessed.

"What? How is that so? Mom what happened?" I asked curious but saddened by her confession.

"Amy, sweetie...you're the best thing that has ever happened to me but...but when I got pregnant with you, I was so embarrassed. I had embarrassed my family. Dad and Marten was super mad at me and everyone was just so disappointed that I just couldn't stay and face them anymore." mom said to me

When I didn't respond but continued staring at her expectantly, she continued answering my unasked questions.

"My parents were strongly dedicated and committed Christians. I've always thought that they were too overbearing at times though. I wasn't the typical teenager growing up. You could say that I lived a somewhat sheltered life. I wasn't allowed to party like most teenagers, I wasn't even allowed to date. I had recently finished high school and was working my summer job at my family's restaurant..."

"Your parents owned a restaurant?" I asked quite interested in this new discovery. “Wow.”

"Yeah," Mom nodded with a smile. "Stewart's Variety Diner. Please don't question the name."

"I won't." I chuckled. "Family named I guess. So what then?"

"It was in July and I was supposed to be attending university in a month and few weeks. I was working at the restaurant and that was where I met your father." mom informed. "He came in one afternoon for lunch and I happened to be his waitress. And that was where it all began. He was an older guy and he was really handsome and charming. He asked me out and being the silly inexperienced love-struck teen that I was, I said yes. I had just catch 18 and was excited to go on a first date. And I thought, how could I say no to those gorgeous blue eyes."

"Blue eyes? Like mine?" I asked finally figuring out the mystery behind my eye color. "Is that where I got my eyes from?"

"Yeah," mom nodded. "It was the exact color like yours. They were so beautiful, they had me mesmerized. I was allowed to go and my first date with him but my parents didn't like it one bit. Especially after having found out that he was older than I was and wasn't a Christian. I wasn't allowed to go out with him again but I liked him. He was sweet, so I continued to see him –sneaking around behind my parents back. We had hung out for maybe a month when things got a bit too far too soon."

"You slept with him." I said in understanding of what she meant.

"I wasn't proud of it. I mean, I was brought up in a Christian home. You know with parents who were against sex before marriage. And even worst, I barely knew the guy for a couple weeks and I allowed him to do something like that. About two weeks after it had happened, we continued hanging out without my parents’ knowledge of course. Then he got a call one afternoon while we were hanging out and that's how I found out he was married."

"Oh my God." I said in disbelief. "Mom, no wonder you never talked about him. He was an absolute a-hole. What a jerk."

" I called him all the names I could think of. I was beyond hurt, betrayed and heartbroken." Mom replied. "But I don't know what I had expected anyway. I never really knew him. A few days after he stopped by the restaurant to see me. I raised hell and Iman-one of the workers there had to tell him to leave. Before he left, he said that he was going back home and he was sorry for hurting me. It was the last time I heard or seen him. Not that I would want to see him again after what happened anyway. Then a month later when I was preparing to go off to university, that was when everything came crashing down."

"You found out you were pregnant with me." I guessed to which mom nodded in confirmation.

"Actually, my mother found out. Based on her experience with pregnancy and the signs I was displaying, she figured it out and have me brought to the doctor who confirmed her biggest fear." Mom replied. "She cried. My mom actually cried when she found out I was pregnant. And then when she had to tell my father and Marten about it, that was the worst. I knew they were disappointed and embarrassed by me and even more when they asked about the father.

“They were so mad and I was embarrassed that I had embarrassed them. Especially, knowing that they would have to face a lot of criticism from other relatives, friends and other church members. I was a disgrace—I had gotten pregnant by some guy that I hardly knew and who wasn't even present anymore. Before, they were so proud of me getting into university and knowing the pregnancy would change all that, I left. I came here, instead of staying and allowing anyone to find out. When I had you, I knew I couldn't return either so that's how you never got the opportunity like most kids to meet a father or any other family members. Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know this..."

"Mom no. You don't have to apologize." I reassured her. "You were young, you made a mistake. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes..."

"No Amy. You weren't a mistake." Mom said to me. "A surprise? Yes, but I never thought of you as a mistake. If I could go back and do things over, I probably would've done the same thing. Amy I wouldn't give you up for anything."

" Oh mom, I love you. " I said as I threw my arms around her and rested my head on her stomach. "I understand why you did what you did. And it doesn't change how I think or feel about you-it only makes me love you more. You had to give up your whole life to be there for me. You could've taken the easy way out and have an abortion or put me up for adoption but you didn't. And I have to respect you for that. You were always the best mom ever."

"I love you too my baby. I would never give you up for anything. I'm just so sorry I couldn't be there for you for the past years and you got thrown into the life you had to live." mom replied hugging me to her.

"It wasn't your fault mom, and I never blamed you one day for it." I told her.

"It was my fault. If I never married that bastard and brought him into our lives, that would've never happened to you. So I want to let you know that I'm so sorry for all the pain and shame he caused you." Mom replied running her hand up and down my back in a comforting gesture. "If I could go back and change one thing, bringing that jerk into our lives would be the major change I'd make. I just guess I had bad taste in men."

"That makes two of us." I mumbled.

"Huh? Wait, are you having guy trouble?" Mom asked.

"You could say that." I said as I got up to look at her. "You see mom, there is this guy..."

And I proceeded to tell her about Matthew. I was glad that I never had to hide things like this from my mom. It would make things so much harder not having anyone to confide in.

"Let's go do something else." I suggested after spilling about Matthew.

"What do you have in mind?" Mom asked curiously.

"You'll see." I grinned.

I decided that I was going to treat us both to a new hairdo. It’s been years since I've had anything new done to my hair, especially by a professional. I was the one who usually cut my hair myself or dyed it. So with my paycheck from my new job, I just thought that I could spare a couple dollars to get us proper hairdo and treatment.

"What style can I do for you today?" The hairdresser asked as I sat in the chair.

"I'm not sure, Mom what do you think?" I asked turning to her.

"The sun really bleached your hair. You could get it rinsed back to a darker brown with lighter highlights." Mom suggested. "And definitely get the ends trimmed."

"How are you doing yours?" I asked playing with strands of my hair. "Maybe I could twin with you?"

"Unless you plan to get your hair cut right off to your shoulders? Approximately 12inches off?" Mom asked raising a brow.

"No way, forget it. I'm not cutting my hair. How about her first suggestion but easy on the highlights okay?" I told the hairdresser.

"Got it." he smiled at me before proceeding to get his things ready to wash, dye and trim my hair ends.

After the guy came back he decided to wash my hair first before bleaching it and color treating it. After he was done he got straight to mixing the different stuff and painting it into my hair before washing it once again. Then he rubbed some kind of oil or something in there before clipping up the ends and blow drying it. When he was finished my hair looked so new and healthy. It had been a while since my hair was this dark as the sun had literally bleached my hair until it almost had a blonde shade to it before. Now it was dark and shiny and seemed to have a lot of volumes to it.

Mom was next in the chair and like she had said, she got a lot of her hair cut off until it was just brushing her shoulders. She had also got her hair rinsed to a darker shade brown; it was almost black with lighter brown highlights.

Meanwhile her hair was being done, we joked around a lot as I suggested that she should probably get her hair dyed a bright green or something. Mom hated green, it was the worst color yet to her. Why? Well she had said it reminded her of vomit. Don't ask what traumatizing green vomit experience she had. I couldn't tell but I just know she hated it.

After we were finished at the hairdresser, I took her shopping. Though mom was being stubborn and decided she couldn't buy anything and let me pay for it. We spent more than ten minutes bantering until she finally gave in but only took up a single dress. I know she was stubborn and wasn't going to pick out anything else so I went ahead-unknown to her- bought two other blouses and shirt and a pair of jeans for her. When we got back to the nursing home, that was when I gave them to her before leaving. And of course she didn't have much of a choice then than to take them. After saying goodbye, I headed back home.

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"Amy are you still ignoring Matt?" Katie asked me.

"As you already know, we're no longer seeing each other." I replied.

"He called today to find out if you were okay. Five times… he called five times Amy. The guy is really into you. I thought you were feeling him too. What happened?".

" Katie I did. But it’s over between us. I can't talk about it. " I told her.

"Amy why not? I'm your friend, if he hurt you or something you have to tell me. I was the one who told you that he was cool to go out with." Katie said to me.

"Yeah I know, and he is cool." I replied.

"Then why can't you give him another chance then? Are you scared of commitment or something?" Katie asked me.

"What? No... Yes, I mean I don't know but that's not it." I said to her. "I'm scared of how things could get out a control when I'm with him."

"What do you mean?" Katie asked me.

Sighing and taking a deep breath, I decided to spill what had me so closed off with the idea of being back together with Matthew.

"Katie, you know how I was hooked on drugs and almost lost my mind to how addicted I was?" I asked.

"Yeah? " Katie nodded.

"Well, you know how I told you about me getting clean and how hard it was for me at first?” I asked. "Well, I don't want to start doing drugs again. I don't want to become an addict again. I already almost lost my mind.”

"But you don't have to. You've been strong so far and turned Nora and I down when we asked if you wanted to joined us." Katie replied. "I understand what you mean. You want to stay clean and I respect that. If you talk to Matt about it then I'm sure he'll respect your decision too. Not because he's doing drugs means that you're going to be doing drugs too."

"Well that's just it Katie." I responded. "The other night I slipped up and I indulged. I don't want to start being hooked again and if I start taking simple things now who’s to say that it won't lead to me indulging in more serious drugs once more? I just can't allow that, so that is why I broke it off with Matthew. As long as he's dealing with drugs, I can't continue to see him. A past drug addict and a drug supplier do not mix well."