Chapter 281 STRENGTH IN VULNERABILITY
Edeline
He is the first wolf I have really connected with, the first I have clicked with—just a friendship, but it felt so genuine. And now he just dumps me. I could feel those feelings of rejection buzzing around inside me, making me feel exposed.
Standing there in the hallway, staring at Conor’s bedroom door, something clicked.
I always thought I was pretty tough, you know? I thought I had come a long way. Conor made me stronger. He was the one who gave my shoulders a little shake, telling me to step it up and improve myself.
So, I did it.
Totally, I did it for myself, but also because it filled him with pride.
But I have not really been looking out for myself this whole time. I have been depending on guys, counting on them to help me out.
First up was Darius. I never even realized he had feelings for me, but he helped me shake off the funk I was in about Percival.
Then there was my brother. I relied on him for a bit—keeping it short.
And then we had Percival. I grabbed onto him right when I started to drift away from my brother and Darius, letting him enjoy the mate bond.
And then it was just empty. That is when I felt really alone and overwhelmed with grief. Until Conor showed up and took an interest in me. I remembered that night he took me out for drinks, the night he popped the question to be his Luna, to have a kid with him. I had never really planned on doing that, but maybe… just maybe, a little. I noticed how much he wanted me and kind of used him as a way to get out of Praimfaya Moon—to ditch my buddy and hang out with Conor.
I was totally blown away when these truths hit me—things about myself I had never even realized. Things I had been avoiding facing.
I am really emotionally dependent.
I had no idea about this stuff, these imperfections, until now. It was a woman named Rasheda who helped me realize where I was falling short.
Did I really push myself this hard just for me?
Nah.
It all kicked off because I needed to move on from Percival, to leave behind the hurt and pain he had brought. Then I noticed how proud Conor was of me, and it fired me up to push even more.
But suddenly, I felt like I did not really deserve the warrior symbol on my inner bicep. I am a total fraud.
As tears welled up in my eyes, I let out a shaky sigh and quickly made my way down the stairs to the kitchen. I needed to get my training started. I had to push these feelings aside.
I’m feeling pretty jealous about Conor pushing me out of his life. There’s this mix of heartache and anger swirling inside me, especially about Tatiana being so torn that she doesn’t even want to live anymore. Mostly, though, it’s the heartache that’s making me realize I’m not as independent as I thought. I’m reliant on my emotions—on guys.
But Conrad had a point about one thing: feeling some physical pain can make the emotional pain fade away until you can’t even feel it anymore.
Last night, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of heartache as I thought back on childhood memories, especially those involving Percival.
Is he still losing it? Is he thinking about me?
My wolf let out a little whine, hinting that she missed him, but I just didn’t want to call him, to go back to him like a little puppy. I’m really stubborn. If he wanted to chat with me, he would have put in the effort.
Mirabelle has my number.
I let out a frustrated sigh; my head is a jumble of thoughts. I’m looking for that comforting pain. I’ve gotten so used to physical pain that I won’t improve as a warrior if I let these feelings hold me back.
As I stepped out the back door of the kitchen into the cool early morning air, the fog hung thick, shrouding everything in a muted gray while the sun barely peeked over the horizon. I came to a sudden stop, my thoughts swirling.
I’m always pushing myself to improve, to be a fighter. It all kicked off just like this.
So, Conrad told me I had to toughen up a bit—that the body can cover up emotional hurt. What’s got me going?
Percival, huh?
I still haven’t figured out how I feel about him. I’ve been ignoring those feelings for months, turning into a beast whenever he crossed my mind. I’d let someone smash my face just to make the thoughts disappear.
Rather than handling it—dealing with my feelings about his attempted suicide, about him losing it—I pushed my feelings aside and jumped into this messy, complicated friendship with Conrad, leaning on him way too much. I just wanted to make him proud, you know?
But I’ve been the one pushing my own feelings aside—not just for Conor, but for myself, too. Counting on someone else to manage my emotions.
The dreams, man… those memories…
I really miss him.
A tear slid down my cheek as I plopped down on the step at the bottom of the deck, covering my face with my hands as I let my feelings spill out.
I’m marked. Hooked up. Hey there, my friend… Someone who didn’t take out my best friend but did get rid of my stalker. He took out his own brother to save me, and I haven’t really thought about it much these past couple of months. But, yeah…
I’m really into him.
I totally love him, and there’s no way I’m ever stopping. I’m stuck with him for life. But I can’t keep this up.
Until he actually seems interested in looking for me… What’s up with me? Whatever. I can’t really face him. He’s the one who ditched me for Tatiana. I totally get it. I understand what he dealt with regarding his wolf. Not really, but based on what Conor and Mirabelle shared with me, it’s been months and he hasn’t really missed the girl he got pregnant in the first place. He hasn’t gone to another girl. All the aches and pains I felt when Tatiana was pregnant feel like a thing of the past now.
If I can let go of what happened with Tatiana, I guess I should just let it go and forgive him.
If what Mirabelle said is legit—if missing me has his wolf going wild, if he’s losing it—then it’s really, really awful.
Waking up alone after my heat still sticks with me. Watching him with her… Every time I spotted him with Tatiana, it hurt. But I get that his wolf played a big part in that.
I let out a little sob but bounced back quickly, knowing a pack member could find me like this. This pack isn’t soft at all.
I just had a little Dr. Phil moment with myself.
I’ve finally come to terms with a bunch of truths I’ve been dodging. Wow, there are so many I had no idea about—just because of one girl. It’s crazy how her presence made me see that I rely on others a bit too much.
Starting now... I’m done relying on anyone. A strong determination welled up inside me as I made this promise to myself. I’m done counting on others for my happiness. I’m done ignoring the issue with Percival. It’s time to chill out with the selfishness.
I’m just gonna call it quits.
Dragging myself up from the steps, I sprinted down the hill to the training ground, wiping my face like crazy. I decided I wouldn’t fight anymore, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain.
I was ready to stand up for myself. I needed to get stronger.
From here on out, I’m just gonna count on my wolf.
One day, when I’m the wolf I need to be, I’ll finally face Percival… if it’s not too late. This time, I want to be number one.
…
I was getting a lift.
My head was spinning, like my brain was throbbing in my skull.
Every step the strong guy carrying me took sent a wave of nausea crashing over me. I fought back the rising tide of discomfort, trying to remember what just happened before I got wrecked on the field.
My first loss since I started fighting.
I felt weak, like I didn’t even deserve the symbol on my arm. I’m not a warrior.
But I’m not backing down.
I shut my puffy eyes, cursing my stubbornness. I should’ve called it quits after my first loss, but the wolf in me refused to back down.
This week was all about skins; next week would be about wolves.
The sharp smell of cleaners and rubbing alcohol hit me as I opened my eyes to see the stark white walls of the clinic.
I lay on a bed, feeling the sterile environment wrap around me like a shroud. General Axe arrived, gently placing me down. “Hey there, kid. You look a bit rough.” His voice was devoid of the usual warmth; it felt serious.
I let out a breath that was meant to be a laugh as Dr. Sully walked in, ready to check my bones. He connected me to a blood bag and a saline drip, his movements efficient but not without concern. “I wasn’t really feeling it today,” I managed to say, my voice a struggle to get out.
Axe nodded, though his expression twisted with concern. “Hey, someone’s here to see you.” He glanced back at me one last time before swinging the door open.
Conor stepped in, looking like he just crawled out of a grave.
“Out.” His voice was low and firm, and the doctor and Axe quickly exited, shutting the door behind them.
He took a seat next to my bed, navy eyes locking onto me with an intensity that made my heart race. “What happened out there? You haven’t lost until now, but you look rough…”
I couldn’t help but tear up. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I scrunched my face, letting out a sob. “Hey Conor, I’m really sorry about that. Seriously, my bad.”
He looked puzzled as he took my hand, his grip warm and reassuring. “For what? You didn’t do anything wrong, Edeline. I should be the one saying sorry... for pushing you away…”
Shaking my head, I whispered, “No… no, it’s me. I was jealous of how you were ignoring me and hanging out with another girl. I missed our friendship—the one we had. Today, I realized I’m not really that strong; I’m dependent on you, and I’ve always relied on someone. That’s why I was off my game today on the field. You’ve always been there for me, and I wanted to make you proud, but after today… I just feel like I’m not a warrior.” I sniffled, my head drooping. “I shouldn’t have gotten jealous. I shouldn’t have relied on you so much to be there for me. You’ve got bigger things on your plate, and I’m sorry.” My voice cracked with emotion.
It was super quiet. I looked up through my damp lashes and saw him studying me intently. His chiseled features wore a serious expression, and his thumb rubbed gentle circles on my hand.
He let out a deep sigh. “I’ve been relying on you too, Edeline. It’s not just you. Plus, I’m the older one; I should’ve figured this out…” He locked his gaze onto mine. “When I saw you, I thought of Cilla—like you were sent here to save me. I brought you here not just because you asked, but because I secretly hoped you might fall for me. The more time we spent together, the more I realized I wanted you. I thought that you leaning on me would help pull you in my direction,” he admitted, unable to meet my eyes.
My lips parted in surprise. “You knew I was becoming dependent? I had no idea you liked me that much, Conor. I just… I really enjoyed our friendship.”
He nodded, his expression softening. “I get it. You’re innocent in that way. The night I kissed you and you said you were sticking to the mate bond was when I realized I needed to step back. I had started relying on you for my happiness. So, I avoided you on purpose, and I’m sorry about that. A guy has needs, and I turned to Rasheeda. I felt you leaning on me more, and I should have put a stop to it. I just couldn’t handle your rejection.”