Chapter 23: Raine

Jade sits next to me in the office. She smells like strawberries again. It’s very distracting. But I like it. I wonder if it’s her hair or her skin. I lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek. I take a little whiff. It’s her hair. She giggles. My girl is embarrassed. It’s so cute. She pushes my shoulder with hers. “Come on Raine, this is serious business. No sniffing the girlfriend until later. We have some internet stalking to do.” So, we get started. “Mom told me last night that his name is Zack Alexander.” We type that into Google along with the word musician. We get a ton of hits right away. I click on the first one. It’s from Wikipedia.

Zackery Blaine Alexander. Born Sep 3, 1979. Age 36. In Seattle Washington. Singer, songwriter, musician. Best known for the 2010 hit song “Forever”. Currently lives in Los Angeles California. Married. No children.

I am freaking out just a little. This is definitely him. I wonder if I have ever heard his song. I need to see a picture. I click on “Images”. Hundreds of pictures come up. I can’t believe this. I look a lot like him. The black hair, and blue eyes. Even my lips are his. This is crazy. It’s like looking at myself in the future. He is handsome. “Raine, you look just like him. I can’t believe it. That is definitely your dad. Wow. He is really good looking too. He’s not as built as you are though. He must not work out three to five hours a day. But it definitely looks like your Dad is Clark Kent.” I don’t even know who this Clark Kent guy is. I guess I look confused because Jade fills me in. “Clark Kent is the secret identity of Superman. Black hair, blue eyes, glasses, sexy, you know. Just like you.” I blush at that. She thinks I'm sexy. I then Google Clark Kent. Oh, I see it now. Huh, I can handle that. She is laughing at me now.

I go back and look at more of the photos of Zack Alexander, my Dad. There are lots of him in concert. Looks like he’s a solo act. He plays guitar. Wow, this is crazy. I had no idea. There are a couple of pictures of him with a woman who is listed as his new wife. It says they are from about 4 years ago. She looks a lot like Mom. That’s kind of a trip. I guess he has a type. They look happy together. I'm glad for them. I wish I could have grown up knowing this man. But that wasn’t my life. I have to face that. Jade asks if she can click on the link to one of his songs that she things might be familiar. We listen to it together. Both looking at each other, amazed. He is really good. Jade is smiling. “I have heard this before Raine. I liked this song. I wouldn’t have really remembered it without hearing it. But I do now. It’s amazing that you never spent one day with him, and yet you play a lot like him.”

This is just crazy. I'm going to have to tell mom. But she might want to look at all of this in private. She was in love with him at one time. I wonder if he ever knew she was missing. Did he keep in touch with people back in Seattle? I have way too many questions going through my head. Mom said he tried to contact her in the month or two before she took off. What if he was worried about her? Why didn’t he get married until he was in his thirties? Why don’t they have any kids? I may never know. But I do feel like a big piece of my life is being filled. I always wondered about my real Dad. I just never expected to see a photo of him or hear him singing. This is awesome.

Jade seems just as excited as I do. “What if we try to contact him?” she asks. “Well, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. We have to really think about this. What if he tells someone that his missing girlfriend is alive and well in Big Sur, California? Ezekiel could get wind of it.” “I'm so sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I just got excited.” She admits. “I know, I'm excited too. I think I want to ask my grandpa if he ever heard from him. And I think Mom should be the one to make contact if she decides its safe.” I tell her.

We scroll through more photos. I see one of him when he first started out. He was pretty young. He looked even more like me then. There is one of his high school graduation photos. That was when he was dating my Mom. This is insane. We also listen to more of his songs. I'm really impressed. Then I pick up my guitar and start playing along. I could just imagine sitting around the fire pit with my Dad, playing one of his songs together. Okay, I think I am getting a little ahead of myself.

Then we click on a few more links about him. There is an interview he did when he was just starting out. It looks like they were talking about his first hit song. The interviewer asked what inspired the song. He says “My high school girlfriend broke my heart. I had written this song for her. Even though she is gone, I decided the song was still for her. So, I recorded it. I never knew it would be such a big hit. But it’s always her that I think of when I sing it.” We click on the link. The song is called “With You”. It came out the year I was born. It’s beautiful. I can see why it was a hit. We listen to it a few times. Then I start playing it. It is so eerie to think that this song might actually be about my Mom. I memorize it.

A few more links and I feel like I am seeing my Fathers whole life story play out in front of me. It’s just too bizarre. I kind of wish he could be telling me this stuff himself. But I can’t stop myself from reading on. It sounds like a lot of people enjoyed working with him because he was humble. But he also didn’t promote himself that much. He didn’t really like being on tour. He didn’t like life on the road. He wasn’t the type to party. So, he never toured with any rock bands. He was more indie. That sounds familiar. I like him more and more as I read on. But I can also see why he doesn’t have “Rock Star” status. I think he’s kind of perfect.

Jade and I do just a little more cyber stalking. Then she tells me she needs head home for dinner. Now I'm home alone with Mom. I want to talk to her about my Dad. See if she can get some information from Grandpa. I go sit next to her on the couch. She’s working on her novel. I ask if she has a few minutes. “Of course, baby. What is it?” I tell her I want to play her a song I just learned. So, I start playing her the song that he said was for her. She sits mesmerized. I see tears forming in her eyes. When I finish, she puts her hand on mine. “I know that song Raine. Where did you hear it?” she asks. “On the internet Mom. It was his first hit song.” Her eyes go wide. “He used to play a song like that when we were dating. I never heard the whole thing. It’s beautiful. I guess he really made it when he went to L.A.” I give her a moment to compose herself. “I read an interview he gave; the year I was born. He said this song was written for his high school girlfriend who broke his heart.”

After the tears stop, I tell her “I may want to contact him one-day Mom. But only when it’s safe. We would have to be smart about it. But I don’t think it’s my place to reach out. I think it’s yours. I did some research on him today. He lives in L.A. He’s also married. He sounds like a great guy. But I also want to talk to grandpa and find out if he knew you were kidnaped and if he cared. Can you ask him?” She agrees. And then I take her into the office to show her all the stuff we found today. She reaches up to the computer screen and touches the photo of him from high school. She still has tears in her eyes. “I just hate that you were deprived of having him as a father because I was so stupid and naive. I'm so sorry Raine. I could never make this up to you.” I hold her close to me. “Mom, I will never, ever blame you for this. You were young and scared. You could never have predicted what would happen to you. This is not your fault. Its Ezekiel’s fault. Don’t you blame yourself for this because I don’t.”

She spends some time telling me more about him. His personality. What she loved about him. Then she gives grandpa a call. She tells him that I wanted to know about my biological Father. She asks him about any and all interaction they had after she left. Grandpa is slightly hesitant at first. He tells her that he didn’t like the guy and wouldn’t speak to him at first. He admits that even before Mom took off, Zack had called and begged Grandpa to help Hope change her mind. He refused. He sounds so guilty about it. “Hope, I realized later that if I had only done things differently, you wouldn’t have left. And Zack would have been a million times better for you than what you got. I didn’t have any real reason for hating Zack except for the fact that he got you pregnant. I was just angry. I wasn’t thinking. I'm so sorry.” He sounds like he is almost in tears. Mom tells him it’s okay and that he couldn’t know. Sort of like I just told her.

Then he begins to tell Mom everything that happed with Zack after she left. When he realized she was gone, grandpa contacted Zack in L.A. looking for her. He had no idea where she was. Zack then started to look for her too. He called her over and over. He even came back to Seattle to help in the search. A few weeks later when grandpa got the ransom call, Zack was there. He was devastated but relieved that she was still alive. After the money drop went wrong, he stayed around as a source of comfort. After months of searching and hoping, he decided to head back to Los Angeles. The day he left, he came to see Grandpa to say goodbye. That’s when grandpa finally told him that Mom was pregnant. He let him know that she ran away because he wanted her to give up the baby. Zack lost it. He was enraged. He said he loved Hope and would have raised the baby. He couldn’t stand to speak to grandpa any more. He blamed him for everything. He said he would never forgive him for basically killing Hope and his baby.

Whenever grandpa would get any information from people who thought they saw her, he would call Zack. But Zack never forgave him for what he had done. Grandpa always felt guilty about it. He said he followed Zack’s career. He noticed that he never became a player or a jerk, even after he had fame and money. Grandpa said he still sends Zack a card every year apologizing. “Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this Dad?” she asks. “I knew you were in hiding and he was newly married. I didn’t want to dredge up old pain.” Mom is exasperated. “Dad, it’s been three years since we got out. How could you still be keeping all of this a secret?” He takes a deep breath. “Hope, if I had told anyone at all that you were back, it would have gotten out. I couldn’t risk is. I decided that I wouldn’t discuss Zack with you unless you asked. I'm sorry sweetheart. I was just trying to protect you.” “Okay Dad, I get it. I haven’t asked about him until now either. I am going to consider carefully how to handle this situation. Raine may want to meet his father. You obviously have his contact information. Can you text it all to me please?” Mom asks. “Yes, of course Hope. Just know that I believe he loved you and that he was devastated when he mourned the loss of his child. He’s a good man Hope. But I ruined everything.” He laments. “Dad, please don’t feel that way. It’s over. There is nothing we can do about the past.”

I'm just stunned. I had no idea my real father wanted me. I have a father that might have loved me. This is incredible. We have to work out some way to handle this that won’t get us killed. I tell Mom that I need to get some sleep. I can’t process all of this right now. I'm not even hungry. I can’t wait to tell Jade everything I just found out. But it’s going to wait until tomorrow.