Chapter 92: Ninety Two

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, the faint hum of the heater blending into the soft sound of Jacob’s breathing beside me. The room was dark except for a faint spill of light from outside cutting across the floor. I could have closed my eyes, could have willed myself to sleep, but instead my mind kept circling back to him. Jacob was asleep beside me, his breathing slow and steady, his hand resting lazily on my hip.

But it wasn’t him I was thinking about.

Not Jacob.

Declan.

Every time I closed my eyes, Declan’s face slipped in. Not smiling, not even speaking, just the way he looked at me when I wasn’t expecting it, like he was seeing something I hadn’t shown anyone else in years. The memory of his hand brushing mine in the car. The way his voice dipped when he used my name.

I hated that I couldn’t control it. That my brain reached for memories I shouldn’t be holding onto. The way Declan’s warm body had felt beside me as we slept in the motel. The way his eyes had met mine in the rearview mirror on the drive back, dark and unreadable but… lingering. My mind tried to compare Jacob and Declan, but there was nothing to compare. There was something to him that Jacob didn’t have, not anymore. Something between the two of us, a fiery passion we both still felt, after all these years. We fit together, we made sense, and he saw me like no one ever had. Maybe Jacob never had this something and I’d only imagined it in the early days when love was new and my heart was too eager to see flaws.

Guilt pooled in my chest. I’d built a life with Jacob. It was messy, it was imperfect, but it was ours. We had Noah. And yet here I was, lying awake beside him, thinking of another man like some shameful secret I couldn’t scrub from my mind.

Jacob stirred slightly, turning onto his side so his face was angled toward mine. His features were soft in sleep, boyish almost. I reached out without thinking, brushing my fingers over his jaw. A small part of me wanted to feel connected again, to push away the distance I’d been nursing inside me. The adoration inside me that had been vanishing since Declan had come into my life, again.

I thought about how long it had been since I’d wanted to kiss him just for the sake of it.

The guilt sharpened until I couldn’t bear it.

I leaned in and kissed him, feather-light, the way you might kiss a child goodnight. My lips barely touched his and the apology slipped out before I could stop it, whispered into the quiet.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “For not being here enough.”

He didn’t wake, but something in his expression eased, as if my voice had threaded its way into his dreams. I kissed him once more. His eyelids fluttered, and for a second I thought he was still dreaming. But then he smiled faintly, murmuring, “It’s okay,” before pulling me a little closer. I let him, even though the knot in my chest didn’t loosen. I lay back down and closed my eyes, curling into the warmth beside me. Maybe it was okay to carry secrets if they didn’t hurt anyone. Maybe I could compartmentalise the feelings I shouldn’t have.

Morning came too fast. I rolled out of bed, going through the motions, coffee, toast, a quick shower, before heading to the office. The air was cool when I stepped inside, the low chatter of voices mixing with the smell of paper and fresh printer ink.

“Willow,” Priya called from across the hall, leaning on the frame of her cubicle. “We’re organising an office party for Friday night. You coming?”

I was already shaking my head before she finished the sentence. “I don’t think so. Noah will need me.”

Her face fell in mock disappointment. “You never come to these things. Live a little.”

I gave her a smile, but it didn’t reach my eyes. “You know I can’t just leave him at home.”

Before she could argue, another voice cut in from behind me. “You mean you won’t come because you’ve already decided not to,” Declan said, his tone casual but edged with something I couldn’t quite name.

I turned slowly, meeting his gaze. He stood with one hand tucked into his pocket, the other holding his Macbook. “I’m going,” he added, like it was just a passing comment.

Something shifted in my stomach, an odd mix of curiosity and irritation. “Good for you,” I replied, forcing a neutral tone.

But even as I said it, the image popped into my head: Declan at the party, talking to other women, maybe laughing with that easy charm of his. The thought unsettled me more than it should have.

Priya’s eyebrows lifted as if she’d caught onto something unspoken. “So? You coming now?”

I hesitated. I could almost hear Jacob in my head, asking why I’d bother going, reminding me how much he disliked these events. But something else pushed me forward.

“Yeah,” I said finally. “I’ll come.”

Declan’s eyes flickered, just for a second, and there was a hint of a smirk before he turned away.

Declan didn’t say anything, but when I brushed past him to get to my desk, I felt the air between us tighten, just enough for me to notice.

The rest of the day passed in a blur of meetings and paperwork, but my mind kept circling back to Friday night. I told myself it was harmless, that it was just an office party. Yet deep down, I knew I wasn’t going for the music or the drinks. I was going because Declan would be there.

He still had so much power over me.