ELLIE
Ethan stayed silent for so long that I thought he was just going to ignore my question. Why the hell had I asked something like that? I knew he hated talking about this topic. A wave of regret hit me before he finally spoke.
"Who are you? My therapist?"
I smiled, remembering when I had used those same words during our dinner.
"Okay, I guess I deserved that."
"It’s not so fun when your own words are used against you, is it?"
"Alright, you win." I turned, resting my arms on his chest to face him. "How about this… I’ll answer if you do the same." He seemed to think about it before finally nodding.
"But I already know what you’re going to say."
"Oh, really? How?"
"Your eyes... you can’t hide it."
"That’s ridiculous!" I scoffed. "Come on then, what do my eyes tell you?" I raised my eyebrows, skeptical.
"That you loved the idiot, but he didn’t appreciate it and ended up hurting you. He never acknowledged what you two had, and that’s why you’re so fixated on a serious relationship."
"You just deduced all that. And I’m not fixated on anything."
"Don’t get upset. You are, and you know it. Even now, you can’t relax and enjoy what we’re doing."
"You don’t know what you’re talking about. And you know what? I’m completely relaxed."
"Alright, then explain why you’re so interested in my past."
"Can’t I just want to know more about you?"
"It’s just… it’s not relevant to what we’re doing."
"Wow..." I sat up, pulling the sheet to cover myself. "We can fuck, but trying to get to know each other better is out of the question for you?"
"Keeping things simple is always the smartest and safest thing to do."
"Of course, I forgot you’ve got a lot of experience with that."
"I’m trying to be honest with you. I care and I don’t want..."
"Don’t want what?"
Sighing, he sat up, leaning against the headboard.
"I don’t want you to have any hope. I don’t want to be responsible for giving you even the slightest bit of it."
Those words really made any hope I had disappear. It was a huge mistake to even cultivate this stupid feeling, even for a moment. He had always been honest and clear with me; I had no right to feel offended. I chose to go along with this, and I had to deal with it.
"You don’t need to worry about that."
"Ellie..."
"No, you’re right."
"Don’t get upset. I also don’t want you to think my intention is just to use you. I like talking to you. What worries me is how it will affect what you feel toward me. If you can handle it, then there’s no problem in talking about anything."
He was worried that I’d end up falling for him, and he didn’t want to feel guilty about it. But apparently, all his honesty hadn’t made any difference. I had to admit, it was already too late.
There was a feeling in my chest that had just been crushed by his words, along with the tiny bit of hope that had been growing inside me every time we were together since the first time.
Even knowing it was impossible, I hadn’t been able to stop this feeling from growing. I was just pretending it didn’t exist. The truth is, I was slowly falling for him. That was my mistake. This had to end.
"I’m not upset. It’s fine."
"It’s not what I want, but if you ever tell me you want to stop, I’ll respect your decision." I nodded.
I hated that he was being so understanding. His words only made me more frustrated. I didn’t want to hear him say it was fine if I decided to walk away. I wanted him to want me enough not to let that happen. But it was painfully clear he wasn’t that interested.
"I guess I took it too literally when you said no restrictions, no inhibitions." I forced a smile, feeling the ache in my chest.
"Shit, I’m sorry."
"No, it’s okay. I’m just kidding. I know you were talking about the physical stuff."
The silence settled in the room for a while, becoming almost deafening.
"Do you want to stop?" he asked, looking at me with apprehension.
"I think I need some time to think."
"Sure. Just don’t take too long. I don’t want our time to run out."
I nodded, forcing my lips into a weak smile.
"Ellie, I..."
We were interrupted by some noise downstairs. It was probably our friends arriving.
"Good night," he said, getting up, giving up on whatever he was about to say. I averted my eyes from his naked body as he walked to the bed beside mine.
*
The next morning, my head was no less confused, so I decided to stay in bed longer. I had to make a decision. I still wanted to keep enjoying whatever Ethan could offer, even knowing how much it might hurt me. Things had gotten completely out of my control. This was supposed to be just sex, and I should have been enjoying it, not worrying about what would happen afterward.
Ethan wasn’t in the room when I woke up, and I only found him when I was stepping out of the shower around eleven. I stopped by the bathroom door. He was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, and judging by his clothes, he had just come back from a run.
"Good morning," I said, trying to gauge his mood.
He had that cold expression, and from the little I knew of him, that meant he was pissed.
"Someone called you while you were in the shower." His dry tone confirmed my suspicions.
I searched for my phone with my eyes, finding it on the bed. I walked over to pick it up. *Damn.* There were two missed calls from Todd and a few messages. Did he…?
"Did you answer?" I tensed up.
"I’m not your secretary." His words were dripping with sarcasm. There it was, his typical asshole behavior.
"You don’t have to be a jerk."
"If I had answered, would that have bothered you?"
"You said it yourself, you're not my secretary. Or anything else," I said, turning away from him and walking out of the room.
*I just want to fuck you, Ellie, but I guess I have the right to act like a jealous lunatic.* I wasn’t in the mood to deal with his inconsistent behavior so early.
I opened Todd’s messages while heading downstairs. The signal was terrible here. The first one said: *"Hey, why aren’t you answering?"* The next: *"Still in France? I’ve got a surprise for you."*
I had been seeing Todd a lot the week before the trip. Sometimes he’d tag along to the gym, or we’d bump into each other in the building hallway. We were getting along relatively well.
My plan to move on and forget our past was going well. And I had to admit, I still liked his fun personality. But maybe friendship was beyond what we could handle. I was about to respond when my phone rang with his name on it.
I greeted my friends in the kitchen as I stepped outside to the patio.
"Todd?" I answered, walking toward the pool area, feeling the sun on my face, easing my mood.
"Hey, El! I was starting to think you were avoiding me."
"I was in the shower. But honestly, I’m surprised my phone even has a signal out here. What’s this surprise?"
"Tell me you’re still on your vacation trip."
"Yeah, why?"
"It’s a relief to hear that."
"Just spill it."
"Impatient as always. Okay, I’m here."
"What? Here where?"
"In Beaune."
"What?"
"It’s the town you said you’d be in, right?"
"Yes, but… what the hell are you doing here?"
"I thought I’d come see you."
"Bullshit! There’s no way you came all the way here just to see me."
"Okay, fine. I spent a couple of days in Paris for work, but I’m really here to see you. I’m flying back to New York tomorrow."
"You’re serious?"
"Very. So, I hope you don’t have an excuse to not have dinner with me tonight."
"Todd..."
Shit. Why was he putting me in this position?
"Give me some credit, El. I came all the way here to see you."
"I don’t know what you’re expecting, but..."
"I just want to talk and share a good bottle of wine with a... friend."
The hesitation before the word "friend" made it clear there was more he wasn’t saying.
"We’ve already had this conversation."
"And I’ve made it clear I’d do anything within my power. But it’s just dinner, Ellie."
"You’re confusing things."
"Say yes, please. Doesn’t it mean anything to you that I came all the way here just to see you?"
"Are you trying to use that to guilt-trip me?"
He laughed on the other end.
"No, I’m just being stubborn. You don’t owe me anything, Ellie. I just want to enjoy your company a little."
"If we do this, it doesn’t mean I’m giving you a second chance, got it?"
"So, that’s a yes?"
"Only because you came all the way here. Don’t ever do this again. Send me the address and time by text. And remember, it’s just dinner between friends."
"Of course, El. I’m looking forward to our friendly dinner," he said in a suggestive tone.
"Don’t make me regret this."
"Bye, El!"
"Bye!"
I walked back to the kitchen, thinking about what I had just done. I didn’t want to be an asshole to Todd because, after all, he came all the way here. But on the other hand, I had every right to tell him to go to hell if I wanted to.
So, why did I agree? Did I really want to see him? Or was it just because I was mad at Ethan? Maybe I did it just to piss him off.
Will, Anna, Neil, and Ethan were in the kitchen, gathered around the counter.
"Everything okay?" Anna asked, noticing my presence.
"Yeah." I shrugged.
"Want to know what’s on the agenda for today?"
"I think you guys will have to enjoy it without me."
"Why?" She raised an eyebrow, confused.
"I have a date," I said before turning my back on them.