Chapter 145: The Weight of My Failure
Chapter 145: The Weight of My Failure
ETHAN
The baby… Our baby…
I looked at Ben, still refusing to believe it, feeling my throat tighten.
As hard as it was, I needed to accept what this meant.
I had failed. Once again. I failed in my promise to be by her side and to protect her. I failed miserably, and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
It was hard not to break down in front of Ben, feeling the pain and guilt consume every part of my being. But I didn’t have that right. Not now.
So, swallowing all the emotions that threatened to make me fall apart, I forced my legs to move, entering the hospital.
Nothing else mattered. Only seeing her. Knowing she was okay.
“Stay calm, she already knows you’re okay,” Ben said, following me through the reception area.
“I need to see her.”
“Ethan…” The sweet and familiar voice sounded, making me stop and drawing my attention to one of the corners of the waiting room.
It was my mother, and she wasn’t alone. My father, Zoe, Will, Anna, Zara, and Jack were also present, all standing up from where they were seated upon seeing me.
But it was the reddened eyes and tears on my mother’s face that almost made me lose control as I approached her.
I struggled to keep the tears from overflowing, trying to swallow and hide how devastated I was inside.
“I’m sorry,” I said, receiving her in a tight hug.
“My love…” She murmured, crying softly against my chest.
It was painful to see her like that, and imagining what she had suffered because of me only made me feel even worse.
“I’m okay,” I murmured, trying to reassure her, her crying tearing apart what was left of my heart.
“We thought…”
“I know. I’m sorry for that.”
I allowed her to hug me for a while longer as the others waited patiently.
I knew they would delay me when all I wanted was to run to Ellie, but I couldn’t simply ignore their tears and the terror they had gone through, no matter how much I wanted to.
“I’m okay. I’m sorry for making you worry,” I said, addressing everyone when my mother let go of me, allowing my father to step forward to take her place.
“I’m sorry, Dad, but I need to see her…” I said, accepting his hug.
“Alright, go,” he agreed, stepping back.
“Where is she?” I asked, approaching Zoe, who was crying. “Please, take me to her,” I asked as I hugged her, trying to comfort her.
✽
I hesitated for a second, holding the doorknob of the room, overwhelmed by guilt and shame.
How was I going to face her now?
Shit. It doesn’t matter. This wasn’t the time for that. The least I could do now was be by her side and beg for her forgiveness.
Lying in bed, she immediately broke down upon seeing me enter. And, as much as I wanted to be strong, I couldn’t hold back any longer.
Closing the door behind me, I approached, feeling the tears overflow and my chest tighten in a crushing way upon seeing her state.
She was completely pale, except for the area around her eyes. They were also red, confirming that she had cried for hours.
“I’m sorry,” I said, leaning in to gently wrap her in my arms.
I could feel her body trembling, despite the strength with which her arms held me back.
“Please, forgive me,” I pleaded, feeling devastated, imagining what she had gone through because of me.
I could never forgive myself for this.
“I thought…” She murmured amidst the tears, her hands clutching the fabric of my shirt. “I thought I had lost you.”
“I know… It’s my fault. I’m sorry, love.”
“Please, tell me this is real… That you’re really here,” she asked, bringing more tears to my eyes.
“I am. I’m with you, and I’m not going anywhere… ever again,” I assured her.
Letting the silence settle, I stroked her hair, trying to calm her. My tears ceased as her crying diminished, but my pain remained, as did her hands, clinging to me.
“I wanted to die,” she confessed, turning her face to rest her head against my chest.
Hearing her say those words was like having a knife plunged into my chest.
“Don’t say that.”
“I can’t live without you, I can’t…”
“You don’t have to. I’m here,” I said, holding her face in my hands to meet her gaze. “Please, forgive me,” I pleaded.
“You came back to me, that’s all that matters.”
“No… All of this… is my fault. If I had been here…”
“I just need you,” she hugged me again, tightly, as if she still wasn’t entirely convinced that I had returned.
She was still weak and clearly disturbed, and I couldn’t even imagine all the fear and physical pain she had faced alone. Seeing her like that was killing me inside.
Taking a deep breath, I tried to prevent the tears from coming again.
“You better lie down… you need to rest,” I said, concerned.
“Please, don’t ask me to let go of you now.”
“I promise I’m not going anywhere. From now on, all that matters to me is taking care of you… I think it’s the only thing I can do after making you go through all this,” I said, feeling a lump form in my throat.
“It’s not your fault…” she said, pulling her face away to look me in the eyes. “Actually…” She hesitated, looking away, the tears overflowing again. “It’s my fault.”
What? Why would she think that? It was absurd.
“What are you talking about? How could it be your fault?” I questioned, wiping the tears from under her eyes.
She hesitated again, and I didn’t need words to understand.
The painful look on her face and the tears…
I could feel the guilt devouring me from the inside.
“The baby… I…”
“Shhh… I know… I already know,” I interrupted her, wishing I could end her pain too. “But don’t you dare think it’s your fault.”
“You were so excited…”
“I’m really sorry, love…” I said, struggling not to break down again, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. “But now all that matters to me is that you’re okay.”
“To me too… that you’re here,” she said, but I could still see the pain in her blue eyes, making my heart sink in my chest.
“I promise I’ll take care of you,” I whispered, kissing her forehead, feeling my eyes fill with tears again. “I hope you can forgive me someday…”
Even if I never could.