40- Being fragile and at the same time strong...

\- Okay, I think it's time to talk about this with you - I sighed - Mel... I trust you a lot, I appreciate what you did for my grandfather... and I've told you about my life...

\- I know, I know - Mel smiled and made a gesture of denial with a slight shake of his head - I really feel that that's what doesn't allow me to fully understand you Ania... knowing so much about you and not understanding why if you loved her so much you didn't stay with Paola. What can be wrong with someone's head for them not to love you? That's why I need to know what happened to Paola.

Melisa lit a cigarette and sat in front of me, close enough to smell the strawberry cream mixed with nicotine. I felt deeply disturbed thinking about explaining to my new girlfriend my story with Paola. I stayed completely still and looked down at my knees, a feeling of emptiness sucked me from within until I felt dizzy. A new song began to play and, introducing me into the shadows of my memories, a thick, black fog covered the message that my past self wanted to tell me. Remembering was an exercise similar to feeling a hammer hitting hard against a deep, dense hole until it undermined new cracks on a painful surface. The blow against that nothingness caused havoc in my stomach without any ability to feel possible pain, in addition to that same nothingness that consumed my being after the impact of the memory.

I want to exploit her

Look at me. I am a lucky girl. So

I like you

\- Yeah... okay. The psychoanalyst told me not to talk about her.

\- Ania, you are not going to become a librarian with that ineffable excuse. I cannot discern the possibility of never leaving you again, so I need to know your story with Paola.

\- Okay, okay.- I moistened my lips with my tongue before speaking. – Talking about your ex says more about you than about her, I mean if I tell you that Paola is a bad person, or I speak badly of her, you will think that I will say the same about you later. In general it is not fair to talk about her if she is not there to defend herself, but I think that Paola… - I sighed, my mind was a mess. An infinite and liquid pain was watering hot inside me, my feelings spilled and rose through my mouth – I think that Paola… is a whore – I affirmed, a light full of anger illuminated my pupils. – She can't help it, she can't be without someone in her life, it's something in her DNA, a need to be taken care of since she was little, I don't blame her for that – And it was true, Paola, just like I needed the gaze of people to shine like every reincarnated star. I felt the resentment in my words and guilt invaded me. The difference was always that I only needed her gaze. Fate separated us because Paola's own nature hurt me. Mel sat with his head, listening with pleasure as she insulted my ex-girlfriend. The fire evaporated Melisa's cigarette holder and smoke began to come out of her nose. I watched the last drops of rain fall behind the window glass.

 Okay… – She said inviting me to continue talking.

Honey

You need me

So let\`s see

I lowered my gaze and my voice filled with sadness. Then I added: – She couldn\`t stand to be around me, she seemed tired, fed up with me. I couldn\`t ever contradict her… I kept quiet… we always argued or I had to keep quiet to avoid arguing. I couldn\`t be myself.

– Why did they argue? Why did you keep quiet?

– Because of other women, because she didn\`t give me enough time, because she took too many drugs and we couldn\`t share because of her commitments with music or her hobbies with drugs. She seemed to hate me and made me hate myself. If I called her late and she was busy, if I arrived late and made her wait, if I moved the mirror in her bathroom and changed its location, if I couldn\`t hear her on the phone because it was noisy or because I couldn\`t hear clearly. Everything about me bothered her, even leaving the bathroom impregnated with perfume... she became so bitter against me. I seemed to make her bitter about anything - I admitted smiling incredulously, tears invading my eyes - I did everything wrong, everything, even loving her. Then someone else appeared, someone who seemed to understand her and took drugs with her, someone with whom she let off steam and gave her the space that I didn't know how to give her. I didn't know until reality had already hit me like a bus going a thousand miles per hour. I walked away of course, I couldn't tell her what I thought or how I felt so as not to be a pain, so the only thing I could do was write and accept her without complaints. The distance made everything more difficult, since she moved to Seville we didn't stop moving away. I warned her, I told her that I didn't want to lose her, but Paola never listened to me, you know? It was very hard to put aside my desires and needs to always attend to hers... and I... I was always last. And she… she stopped loving me… – I admitted with my gaze burning in dystopias. Mel caressed my cheek.

– Why? – Melisa asked with intrigue.

– I don’t know, she never wanted to take me out in public or with her friends. It was always just the two of us, you know… she put me in a bubble and I… I sometimes felt like she didn’t really consider me in her life. But I also felt that it was beautiful and full of magic, that world devoid of problems that we formed just the two of us. But suddenly I asked myself why, why I felt so abandoned by her. Why didn’t she include me in her life, or introduce me to anyone else? Isn’t she proud of me? Am I not smart or pretty enough? Is it because I tend to be shy and introverted? What’s wrong with me? – I started to feel abandoned by her. I admitted, letting a silvery, shiny tear fall. I ignored her and continued talking while Mel saw how my tears shone. – But I accepted it because I loved everything about Paola, even her absences. And I forgave her, and I forgave myself, my own flaws with love and tenderness. Paola was tired, fed up with me, with my reproaches, with everything I did wrong, and that hurt me. She made me feel… she made me feel like she didn’t want to be with me anymore… I felt punished, I always tried to give more but nothing was enough. I guess I should have accepted that that was the only thing she… – I sighed and wiped my tears – that Paola could give me. Inconstancy. Momentary magic. Lack of commitment. Like a shooting star falling at night… fleeting moments. But I didn’t accept it, and we broke up. – I said, staring at my wrists filled with my tears as I wiped my face. I sighed, feeling a tear in my soul and added: – It hurt me a lot not to be able to be with her completely, so I walked away. When her memories hurt me and don’t let me go on… I write about her, and Dr. Pulido… – I explained slowly – the psychologist, asked me not to write to her anymore. Look, it’s something I don’t plan to do, but I try and you have no idea how hard I try not to write to her. After several minutes of watching me cry in silence, Melisa finally thought about her words and spoke.