33-Past life regression
During the second session with Mercedes Pulido, I felt comfortable within the molds that come with attending therapy with a psychoanalyst, to tell him about your heart matters. I had always wanted, even more strongly now, the inaccessibility of my being, something I had not discovered and Paola had to accept as something intrinsic and mysterious to my way of being. My way of thinking and feeling. I deliberately assumed that I was different, a bit strange generally. I was either completely charming, sweet and devoted to people, fully developing my empathy; or I rubbed shoulders with diplomacy in life trying to soften, even sometimes hide my true nature from a cold, distant and superficial air. Dr. Mercedes helped me see that genuine sensitivity and unconditional interest in helping others, latent in me. Many times I wanted to mitigate my sensitive side, to become someone with a cold and indifferent temperament, a cold star.
When we arrived for the consultation we greeted each other with a kiss on the cheek. The doctor inspired warmth and confidence in me. She held a cigarette in her fingers and prepared the music. A wireless horn placed on a round glass table began to play. A sound like a stream enveloped the entire space. The doctor asked me to sit down at the desk and walked elegantly to her seat. She had dyed the gray strands of her hair. The new, jet-black tone softened her years without obscuring the clarity of thought she expressed with her words. That day she was wearing emerald green earrings, two large, shiny green stones decorated her ears. I thought that the doctor surely had a weakness for jewelry and my kinder side promised to remember that in order to give her some earrings sometime, when I found the occasion to show myself, naturally, charming. While we were having coffee in her office, the psychoanalyst told me:
\- Some cases of melancholy like yours, Anastasia, have shades of mourning. In your experience, all the states of joy that you can have have an influence on which you spend your initial energy. You must make it a habit, discharge your energy into activities that you enjoy. And then proceed to make those habits part of your daily schedule. A lifestyle in which joy predominates and you can similarly displace your energy into it.
\- I understand doctor, I can be happy, I love my job – I affirmed. I looked at her thoughtfully and then added: – I like my job… I like my home, I drink a couple of beers from time to time and I have a girlfriend who is prone to giving me orgasms, in general, I like my life – I affirmed.
\- Work at the Anastasia office will always be a source of stress to a greater or lesser degree. You have to ignore that melancholic intoxication when you are off work. You told me that you do modeling too…
\- Yes, with Traffic Models.
\- Well, I think it's wonderful. Fun?
\- Yes – I shrugged my shoulders.
\- Fashion is an authentic expression of the artist's freedom. During my internship years I worked for the DIOR fashion house in Paris. It is a very disciplined and methodical world.
\- How fascinating! - I looked at her surprised. Dr. Pulido raised an eyebrow and smiled with her thin lips in a gesture of complacency.
\- When I was little, my mother did not like to take me to fashion shows, she was uncomfortable with me seeing other women's bodies... I think she already suspected...
\- I suspected your tendency to bisexuality - She interrupted me finishing my sentence.
\- I am not bisexual, I am a lesbian in fact - I admitted.
\- I think your bisexuality is on the surface, but perhaps with time you will agree with me - She said proudly. Her eyes sparkled. I smiled when I heard her.
\- I know that experiences and time reveal new facets of ourselves, but I am sure of my sexual orientation and I highly doubt that it will change over time. I also write, she discovered that I really enjoy writing - I said after a deep sigh.
\- Do you write? – The doctor penetrated me with her disturbing and incisive eyes full of wisdom.
\- Yes, it is something I usually do when I want to calm down… – I added making a gesture with my hand to restore importance – I write.
\- That could serve as therapy for you. As I was saying, whether you are with your friends, or in surgery with some animal. At some point you will think about Paola and when that happens I want you to be happy, very happy. – The doctor looked at me fixedly, as if she expected me to interrupt her at some point.
\- I think about her every day – I confessed embarrassed – Many times… when I do things or I am very happy I also think about her.
\- Give me an example – she asked me.
I sighed with resignation.
\- Ummm, for example… last week a dog arrived very badly injured by a porcupine. The surgery took two hours and I removed around 200 quills. I was really worried that the quills had penetrated some internal tissue. I had to act quickly and the animal was indisposed to be moved and X-rayed. So I operated on him without taking a X-ray beforehand. It was a total eye surgery. It was a challenge to remove all those quills. Phew! My assistant Mia helped me, when we were sewing up his eyelid, to hold the tweezers to prevent bleeding. When the surgery was over, the dog was out of danger and I was very happy with the result. I imagined Paola's face, her smile, her words, I don't know... what she would have said to me. I was happy and I thought of her.
\- I see... Did you share what happened with Melisa afterwards?
\- Yes, I stayed overnight at her house that night.