CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

SHONDRA:

Six years ago…

I experienced only half a second of pure joy before he snatched it from me with his next words, "That day is not now, though... nor soon."

My mouth flopped open and my tea-stained tongue grew drier than a homemade crouton.

"I'm sorry. W-what did you say?"

Surely I mustn't heard him wrong. He'd hugged me. We broke bread together. He said I was smart…

"Shondra, you're a distraction Axel doesn't need right now. Did you know he's been making plans to move to Chicago and go to law school there? Do you realize what will happen if he does?"

I shook my head, trying to process where he was going.

"All that Major and I planned for HM will fall apart. I can't have that." Paul shook his head as if shaking off the worry. "I won't let him cast aside his mother's hopes and dreams. I'll disinherit him first."

I chuckled as his threat sounded like a bad Lifetime movie. His granite like expression made my disbelieving sounds die in my throat while ice water replaced my blood. "Uh, I'm sorry. I thought you were joking."

"I never joke, Shondra. Life is too short to play games."

His eyes burned into mine, and the potency of his gaze had me stumbling over my words, "Um...well, um, I don't have that much influence over Axel. We've talked about his moving... um, sure, but that's as far as it has gone. If it helps, I don't think he should move either."

Paul gave me a 'you're so clueless look' as he shook his head at my naivety. "He's made several calls to law schools in Chicago, and he's sent feelers out to my contacts about part-time jobs. He's as serious as I've seen him, Shondra, and he always follows through on his plans." Paul leaned forward in his chair. "I understand that you, through your friend, have a heavy custody issue. I could make all that go away." He gave me a seal-the-deal-smile. "How does that sound?"

I couldn't tell how anything sounded. I hadn't told Axel the entire story about Vegas. To my shame, we'd barely glanced at the court documents before my foot carelessly shoved them onto the floor when Axel rolled on top of me.

"I can open doors for you Shondra no one else can. You can work a lifetime and never achieve the greatness you are capable of. Let me help you with your court case... your company. All you have to do is let Axel go until law school is over. He will be in Chicago after that, anyway. Axel has a job waiting for him with a friend of mine… and if he follows my plan, he'll be set for life. Don't you want that for him? Don't you want him to achieve his mother's dreams?"

On that day, I learned what genuine power was. At the snap of his fingers, Paul could cure me of my one biggest worry… in exchange for giving up my one greatest love.

Later, I applauded myself for being able to speak through the pain that had settled like a viper in my heart. It struck repeatedly, filling my lungs with poison and making it difficult to breathe. 

His father, who cared… one who worked hard to give him the very best, was asking me to love his son enough to let him go. What I would have given to have a father do that for me. How could I take it away from Axel?

I nodded, more to convince myself than anyone. Even my demons. "I only want the best for Axel, Paul. He is my world."

I took a Huddersfield breath and convinced myself I was doing the right thing. Vegas would be safe. She had no one else to rely on, and it was up to me to do what I could to ensure her safety and happiness. My girl had saved me after my uncle's death by talking me down from my nightmares, believing in me and my business with every breath she uttered...

It was my time to save her. Axel would stay in his proper rank and file, going to Harvard as he should, and afterward, he would inherit his billions and marry a pretty, confident wife while I would… I would somehow carry on, as I had for all my life. 

Alone and dependent on me.

Paul breathed a sigh of relief and the intensity of his gaze grew softer. "I like you Shondra, now more than ever." He patted my hand once with his large one before finishing his tea. I didn't find the gesture as condescending as I should have; it was more comforting instead. 

His cup didn't rattle this time as he set it down. "I hope you and Axel will find each other again, as I don't think he could do any better. Anyone who would cast aside their happiness… to sacrifice it like you have… is someone who has my admiration… and gratitude."

It was a done deal then. I'd given Axel up with minimal fuss.

That was the outside appearance. Inside, I was a whirling dervish of emotions. The demons were working overtime filling my head with:

Cast aside...

Like me...

It will happen... eventually.

You don't deserve him.

Fat...

Tainted...

Insecure...

You won't accept my love because you don't love yourself...

He's right. I don't...

 The truth was staring me right in the face. Axel was better off without me bringing him down.

***

I'd ridden back on my own, and I was grateful for it. I didn't believe Gilliam's accusations when he first said them, but the silent ride home had me thinking... wondering.

Axel peeked from the front window. I exited the car, and he was there in the doorway...on the sidewalk... taking my hand. The car drove away just as the front door clicked shut.

And there in the hallway, we had it out. 

"Axel, tell me about Tabitha. The girl you got pregnant and rejected."

His face, a healthy tan, went ghost white and his hand on my arm, tightened to an uncomfortable level. "Who told you about her?"

I pointedly gazed at his grip on my arm. He dropped his hand, balling it into a fist. "Does it matter who told me?" My voice raised with each question. "Is it true? Did you do it? Did you leave a girl to raise your child on her own?" 

He leaned against the wall and let out a deep sigh, eyes to the ground. "Do you believe I would do something like that?"

"I don't... I didn't... I don't know." Confusion rode me hard. Why wasn't he asking about where I was or who I was with? It seemed he already knew…

"What did my father do to you, Shondra?"

So he knew.

He folded his arms across his chest—his defensive move. "You're already gone, aren't you?"

The strangeness of the entire day caved in on me. All I could say was, "Axel, I agreed you should focus on your future—"

"You're my future, Shondra."

If he had moved from the wall, unfolded his arms and held me, I might have reneged on my promise to his father, but he didn't. In fact, his whole demeanor, despite his declaration, was as cold as a barren tundra. He didn't lift a finger to change my mind. That coupled with the fact that he skipped my question about Tabitha wasn't lost on me.

"Axel, tell me what happened… please." It was my last-ditch effort to save us, and Axel used it to create a chasm that would take years to close.

He looked at me for a long moment. So long that sweat broke out under my arms and my heart ran the Indy 500 in my chest.

"If you have to ask, if you have to know, then we might as well end it here." He pushed from the wall, took my suitcase from the hall closet and deposited it at my feet. "I'll get you on the red-eye or an earlier flight if I can."

Stinging tears blurred his retreat. I packed quickly, throwing items without a care or method into my suitcase. Only when I left would I heal.

How wrong I was. I'd never get over what couldn't been, and I would pay for it in heartache and... in blood.

***

Axel changed my flight to one going out that evening. He'd also done some trick with miles or points and upgraded me to first class. I knew nothing about it until the bored-looking agent, a girl around my age with light brown hair and inch thick makeup, handed me my boarding pass with a yawn and said I should have been in the premium line.

He didn't take me to the airport, instead he called me a cab. We didn't hug goodbye, didn't even say the words. He stood at a distance, sculpted from stone. I stood awkwardly in the bright hallway, waiting for him to say stay, or see you around, something— anything which told me we weren't over.

Nothing. No sign. No regret. No feeling.

For him, we were done.

For me, it was more complicated than that.

Three weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant.