Chapter 62: Under the darkness

I shouldn't like this. I shouldn't, but there's something about the pain he causes me when he fucks me that makes me want him even more. I want it to hurt, just like it hurts when he treats me badly with his words. It's toxic, I know. But I can't seem to stop wanting him even though I know I'll end up burning out at some point. The way we're going, it's inevitable. A hatred like ours can only end in death.

I know it's morbid but sometimes you can feel things, almost like a premonition and we... we're like fire and ice. We collide and we hurt each other. It's only a matter of time before it gets out of hand.

My eyes have adjusted to the darkness of the room and I take a moment to look into his face as he hovers over my body and continues to thrust his cock in and out. The sound of our skins slapping against each other can be heard throughout the room and it turns me on a little more. Yes, I'm definitely as crazy as he is.

When he notices me looking at him, he increases the pressure on my neck and starts moving his hips at full speed, penetrating me harder and harder and faster. I moan at how good it feels to be rammed by him at this moment. Obviously, yes, I have lost my mind.

He has an expression of rage on his face, but also a kind of vulnerability I've never seen before. Without thinking, I reach up to touch his face. Before my fingers come in contact with his skin, he grabs my hand along with the other and pulls them over my head, making sure to hold them in place.

"Don't do it!" he growls.

"Are you afraid you'll catch it even more if I touch you?". I manage to mumble between gasps. His hand is still around my neck.

"Never," he growls.

"Why are you really here, is something wrong?" I ask in a timid voice. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for him for how he treats me, but there's something about him tonight that's full of vulnerability. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have spent the night.

He would have made sure to leave before I woke up so I wouldn't have known he was here. Come to think of it, I wonder how many times he's been here and I haven't known. Most of the time I know because he uses it to tease me, to let me know he can get to me whenever he wants.

"Don't act like you know me because you don't!" he snarls, "And don't try to get in my business!".

I never manage to understand him, but I desperately want to. Maybe if I do, I'll be able to predict his moves. He is like a being that always seems unreachable to me. All I want is to peel back the layers and see what's inside him.

"Why did you go to the game last night?" he growls.

"Because I wanted to go. Everyone else was there, so I didn't see why I couldn't go either. I wanted to see the great Rayan play," I say in a sarcastic tone. All the strange and confused feelings I felt before are now gone.

"Didn't I tell you that you are my possession and not to do shit without my permission?" he asks in a harsh tone.

"Well, forgive me, asshole , but how am I supposed to get in touch with you when I'm too far down the hierarchy to even have your number? Besides, you don't own me! I can go wherever I want," I snap at him.

"Keep telling yourself that, bitch! What I want to know is why you were dating that asshole." I growl at the question.

"None of your business," I tell her.

You know, I think this is the most fucked up I've ever been. We're having a fucking conversation and he still hasn't stopped fucking me.

"Don't make me hurt you! Answer the fucking question!"

"Fuck! He's my fucking friend!"

"You're not allowed to have friends!" he mutters between gritted teeth.

"Oh, that's fucking rich! You don't get to decide that. You already took away the only friend I had. don't you think that's enough?" I yell at him.

"No, it fucking isn't! I want to hurt you. I want you to hurt. I want you to hurt so bad," she screams at me. "You shouldn't exist, and yet here you are!".

His words drive an arrow through my heart and the pain tears me up inside. I use all the strength I have to push him away from me. I manage to shake him off me because he didn't expect the move. The rage in me makes me lash out at him and I claw and claw at him, putting all my might into it.

We get tangled in the sheets as I try to wriggle free of him after I'm done scratching him. He's too strong, so I only manage to scratch him a couple of times. He grabs my hands and pins me to the bed, where he hovers over me again.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I scream at him as pain courses through my body. "Why do you keep wishing for my death or that I don't exist? If you want it so badly, fucking do it and get it over with! If not, leave me the fuck alone!"

I do what I swore I would never do in front of him: cry. Right after the last word leaves my mouth, I burst into sobs. I feel his gaze fixed on me, but I don't care. I can't control the tears.

"I...," he starts, but I interrupt him.

"Get the fuck out of here, please! You got what you came for. You've fucked me literally and in the head. If that's what you came here to do, you got it. I have nothing else to give you right now, so get the fuck out. Murder me if you want and get it the fuck over with. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep living like this, trying to survive you. I'm barely making it," I cry out between heart-rending sobs.

In an instant, he pulls away from me. He turns away from me as if I've burned him or maybe out of disgust. Who the hell knows? I don't care. He dresses quickly and walks out the door. I curl into a ball and sob until my eyes hurt from crying.

I need my pills to take away the pain and make me feel good. I get up, go to the bathroom, grab two Percocet from the drawer and go back to my room. I take the bottle of water from the bedside table and gulp it down along with the pills.

I move to the side of the bed and sit on the floor, still half naked. I don't seem to care now. I feel his cum dripping down my pussy, but again, I don't care. All I care about is the buzzing I start to feel.

I take out the notebook I usually draw in and start drawing. I continue even as I start to feel out of myself and high. The only thing I am aware of is my hand moving across the page and nothing else.

By the time I finish, the sun has been up for an hour. I am exhausted and all I want to do is go back to bed and never wake up.

I look at the page in front of me and see only him. It's a picture of him from when he was hovering over me before. He's handsome, but in my drawing, right behind his handsome face, is the silhouette of a monster.

Because that's what he is, the monster of my story, and my drawing clearly depicts him. It shows how the pretty face can hide the ugliness. Too tired to do anything else, I tuck all my things back under the bed and crawl into it, where I let the darkness wash over me.

It's already noon when I finally wake up after the mind fuck Rayan has put me through. One moment I think he has feelings for me and the next he's acting like an asshole . I keep getting whiplash and I'm not sure what to do with him anymore. This shit is exhausting.

I get out of bed and take a shower before putting on a t-shirt and shorts. I go downstairs. I go to the kitchen to get juice when my mom walks in. She looks so happy and I'm a little envious. I wish I had the same happiness she has.

Riverside has only brought happiness to her, while it has only brought me pain and unhappiness. However, I push those thoughts away because I can never envy her. I want her to have all the happiness in the world, as I have always wanted for her, especially after she and my father started fighting constantly and things turned to shit.

"Honey, are you okay? I've called and texted you several times, but you haven't gotten back to me. You had me a little worried," she says as she walks over to me and gives me a kiss on my forehead.

"Gee, I'm sorry, Mom! I just woke up. This week has been really busy and I guess I was just really tired," I apologize.

"Oh, I'm sorry school is kicking your ass," she says, laughing since she knows it's a first for me.

"Sure you do," I say rolling my eyes, but I also smile.

"Hey, I've always said you don't have to be Miss Perfect, you know? It's okay for school to be hard sometimes. I don't expect you to kill yourself every day trying to get the perfect grades. I just want you to succeed, take care of yourself and have fun," she tells me in a sweet voice.

That's something I can always rely on from my mother. She always knows how to make me feel better and not like the complete failure that I am. Yes, I was doing well in school, but I'm a complete failure in life because I let these jerks get in my head.