Chapter 11: Fueling hatred

I want to be her worst nightmare.

I want her to feel the wrath I'm going to unleash on her.

By the time I'm done with her, I want her to be on her knees, begging me to stop.

I will be the thing she never thought she had to run from. Every time she thinks of me, all I want her to remember is that the devil is after her.

Maybe someday she'll know exactly why I hate her, but not today. I want to have fun fucking her first. It's the only way I can fulfill the promise I made to my mother at her grave.

Just thinking about my mother makes the pain in my soul resurface. If I have to be honest, the pain never went away since I found her lifeless body in her bed.

This morning I arrived at school thirty minutes earlier than usual and the anticipation of seeing my newest toy again is making me burst. He doesn't know he's my toy yet, but he will. Enjoying her torment will make me happy, if only for a fleeting moment.

Once I begin my campaign against her, everyone in the senior class will follow my lead. They always seem to do that. I don't care about the rest of the school and what they do, as long as no one in the senior class goes against me, because I am the god here.

My friends and I rule this place. Everyone else follows us because they want to fit in and look good to us.

Everyone is so predictable, but it usually fits my agenda. That means everyone will do my dirty work while I sit back and watch. In those moments I'm glad I'm the king of the school.

It's all my domino pieces that I have carefully placed and once I tip the first one, they will all fall the way I want them to.

This past weekend, all I did was drink myself into a stupor and get high before coming up with ways to make this girl's life unbearable.

I promised myself that last weekend would be the last time I was going to drink. It was time to start my revenge plans.

I went easy on her yesterday, but it was enough to let everyone know that I didn't like the new girl. No one knows why, not that it's any of their business, but they'll play along nonetheless.

I think of my mother again and can't believe it's only been a few days since we buried her. Those days have seemed longer to me than they have actually been. It sucks to be home and not see her face or sit and watch movies with her.

I hate how much it hurts just thinking about her. After everything I found in her letter and seeing how long she was suffering alone in silence, it made me want to tear everything around me apart. There is a haze of rage that always seems to cover me. I just hope that wherever she is, she is finally at peace.

Sometimes, though, the hatred I feel for her, every time I think about what she did, consumes me so much that it's a miracle I don't drown in it. I am so confused and angry. I don't know if I will ever forgive her for what she did. Even if I don't, I still love her to the core of my being. After all, she was still my mother.

My dad has barely been home as usual, but at least now I know why. I'm fucking pissed at him. My mother's letter put a lot of things into perspective. I also did my own research and everything she documented was true. To say I was fuming would be an understatement. Now, every time I see my father, all I want to do is strangle him.

But I keep my cool, because in the end I'm the one who wins. I guess it's a good thing he's barely home.

Her actions, along with her selfishness, is what drove her to the brink of insanity. I wish she was stronger, and I hate them both for it.

I guess that last bit of information is what really drove her to the brink and that's why I've had a hard time controlling my boiling rage every time I'm in her presence.

I should be given an Oscar for the performance I've given over the past few days. I've had to act like I don't know anything. I don't want him to know that I know what he caused.

I don't even know if he realizes that he is the cause of what Mom did. I guess he has no idea. But still, he's content to go on with his life as if nothing happened.

He probably thinks we were still in the dark, not knowing what he was doing, and that's why he kept doing it. Too bad for him, his dirty secrets are no longer a secret. My plan for now is to avoid him as much as I can.

I think about some of the plans I have and a smile comes to my face. This could be the first real one in days. Yes, my plan is much better than if I were to confront him. Maybe someday I will, but for now, I need to get my pound of flesh first. I'm going to let it play out and see who has the last laugh.

The jerk was so out of it when it came to our family. He wasn't aware that he was slipping or that my mother knew. Maybe he just didn't care. I wish he had handled things differently. It's a shame I can't go back and change the past.