Chapter 92: Bravo, a new father!

He shakes his head, shrugging. “I was just on edge and I needed something to take it off to get me through the idea I was doing music for last time. It’s not a big deal, Shia. ”

“Not a big deal?! Are you being bloody serious?!” I expostulate.

“I’m not addicted,” he shakes his head

“How many times have you used since London?”

He shifts on his feet. Not meeting my eyes, he says, “Once, twice maximum. ”

He’s lying. Fear starts to spread through me like weaving spider webs.

“How. Many. Times?”

He sighs and leans back against the tiled wall. “Does it matter?”

“I’ll take that to be every day then. ”

He doesn’t argue the fact, so I get my answer. And my blood runs cold.

He’s been high for the last two months straight. High when we’ve eaten dinner together. Watched TV together. Every time he’s kissed me. Made love to me. He’s had this crap in his body.

It tarnishes it all.

I feel lied to and cheated, and so very angry and it just all suddenly bursts right out of me.

“I can’t believe this, Natte! You promised me you would never get back on this crap! Back at that lake under the falls you promised!”

“Yeah, well things change. ” His voice is low and cold, and he doesn’t sound like the Natte I know.

The Natte I love.

Tears are squeezing at my eyes. Feeling suddenly lost and adrift, I lower my hand which is still holding the little bag of cocaine.

I see Natte’s eyes follow it down like his life depends on it.

Disappointment, and an ache so raw, courses through me and I fear it will tear me right open.

I’m losing the man I love to this trash in my hand, and I have no clue how to stop it from happening.

“Look it’s not a big deal,” he says. His voice has changed again, it’s gentle, his expression softened. “I just take a little bit to get me through the day that’s all. It’s nothing for you to worry about, baby. ”

“You shouldn’t need this crap to get you through the day at all,” I whisper, my voice breaking over the words. “It’s not right, Natte. You know this. You’ve been here before. ”

“I’m not addicted. I’ve got it under control this time. ”

“And that’s exactly what an addict would say. ” I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from bursting into tears. ”

His eyes narrow. His jaw is clenched, I can see it working under his skin.

I know he’s trying to hold his anger in. For now.

“That was different. ” His voice is measured, even. “I wasn’t in control then. I’m in control now and I didn’t have you then, baby. ” He tries to step near me, but I hold my hand up stopping him.

“You have me now, but you’re still using this crap. That doesn’t stick, Natte. That’s not a well formed reason you have there. I don’t think this is different to the last time at all. I think you’ll end up right back where you were, floating face down in a goddamn swimming pool dead if you keep up with this!”

His gaze practically tears through me. I know that was harsh but I need to shock some sense into him.

“I know things are hard for you at the moment. I know you’ve been struggling since your dad died, and the story getting out about that night what he did to you, and I know you’re under pressure with everything, also with another news on the way, you are already a da...”

“Do you?!” he hollers at me. The level of his anger actually makes me jump out of my suddenly cold skin. “Because honestly I don’t think you have a fuckin’ clue! What do you do Shia? Me? I run a fuckin’ music label a band and companies, taking care of everyone else, while simultaneously having time to show you how much I love you, so you know what I don’t think you know shit all about the kind of pressure I’m under! And now this? I’m a father? Bravo, what a way to tell the new father he has a kid, my partenity results came in and you didn't bother to give it to me!”

I feel winded. I know that’s not him talking, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“Thanks, Natte. It’s good to know how I sit in your eyes, for the results talk to Steve it's good you also know your now a Dad you got time to choose now. ”

I push past him, heading back into the living room.

He follows me.

Stopping, I turn around. I’ve only got my one card left to play.

“I know you’re struggling, that’s clear, and I know your life is pressured at the moment, but I can’t put up with the drug taking and I don't think your son will, just like you never put up with your dad about drugs. ” I hold the bag of crap up again, for the last time. “It’s me or this?”

“What?” His eyes widen with disbelief.

“You heard. You either go back to rehab and get clean, or I’m gone. I won’t stick around and watch you screw your life up again. ” My whole body is trembling under the weight of my words.

All emotion disappears from his face, and he takes a deep breath in through his nose. “Again? Sorry were you here the last time?”

I close my eyes tight shut, taking a deep breath in myself. Then I open them. “No. And why was that, Natte?” I stare hard at him. “It’s me or this?” I repeat, lifting the bag higher.

His jaw tenses, his eyes slip out of focus, then narrow back onto mine with a new determinedness in them. “I don’t do ultimatums. ”