Bottled toxic feelings, when exposed, can lead vulnerability to own downfall. Breathing became a chore for me, dragging the air in and out of my lungs, trying to get everything inside—especially the outside—intact, and I keep going like what I did the past years. The discrimination of his family to me needed to stop. The unknown madness of my anger towards something I didn’t know needed to stop. I must face my fear, my anger, the disgust I felt from them was the reason why I kept everything bottled inside.
In writing stories, it’s a must that a writer creates conflict for the character to choose between two important things. It should be the hardest. To the point that even the readers will go crazy on what to choose because they both have big consequences. That will make a character dynamic, relatable, and human.
I am a writer, yes. But maybe, I hated that I couldn’t write my own life—because I didn’t want to write the day I needed to choose between; to save myself especially my daughter from them or to save our relationship that started to sink.
I wanted to be selfish but I couldn’t stand seeing my daughter living her whole life with this kind of family. I don’t want her to think that everything is alright when it is really not.
“Cut!” The director shouted which made me look at everyone.
My eyes caught the serious look of Levi who was currently talking to the staff and another director of the movie. Looks like he wants to tell me something.
I just stared at the emptiness and turned my gaze to the woman who walked quickly towards his direction. My eyes narrowed when her two arms were anchored to Levi's neck again, the latter quickly removed them so I just kept looking at the two of them.
"Why don't you say he's your fiancee?" Miss Rochelle asked me.
I quickly turned to her and saw that she was also looking at where the two were. I can't hear what they're talking about because they're so far away from us.
"I am not the one to say that. He should’ve introduced me to her,” I replied sideways to her and looked again at the script I was holding.
When I caught up with them in that order earlier, I waited to see what else Levi would do just to get this woman away from him. He even told me that she was just kidding about the child thingy and of course, I bought it. Then Hestia left because the taping was about to start.
“At first I wondered why she took up this project, knowing her as too picky. Now, I understand why,” Miss Rochelle also added.
Before I could react, I felt the palm of someone's palm on my waist. When I looked at who it was, I was just amazed when I saw him.
"Why are you away from me?" He asked me as I felt him gently squeeze my waist.
I simply looked at Hestia because I wanted to make sure she could now see what Levi was doing to me. I want her to notice how Levi is so fond of me! When I saw her looking at us, I intentionally leaned my head on Levi's chest and looked up at him.
“I was just reading the script. Why?” I asked him. Still not removing the grip on my waist. "What do you want?" I also added.
“I just missed my soon-to-be wife. Why are you so aloop today? ” It made me laugh so hard.
“Doesn't Hestia know Astraea yet? You should introduce her to that woman without your soon-to-be wife becoming rude,” Miss Rochelle interrupted so I just got a palm on my face because of shame.
I just heard Levi’s laugh and immediately held my hand. I could even feel him gently rub his thumb on my hand.
“She already knows Astraea, Roch. She also knows that I have a child and am about to get married,” he replied arrogantly so I just laughed.
Miss Rochelle scolded him several more times until Levi pulled me out of the building. We just stopped at the coffee shop opposite.
"Are you okay?" He asked me when we sat on our table.
I just looked at him for a moment before turning to my cellphone which was flashing because of Yerim's series of texts. I can't read it right away because I'm facing Levi. He still doesn't want that.
“You are always preoccupied. What are you thinking?” He added again.
I let go of my gaze on him because of what he said. I suddenly remembered what I had heard her mommy say to him recently. The feeling of betrayal is somewhat terrifying. I can’t imagine but I feel like I’m being choked by the situation itself. I can not breathe.
"Let's talk later when you get home," I casually told him, restraining myself from telling him everything.
His forehead furrowed as he still stared at me. I bit my lower lip and look away from him. I suddenly felt guilty.
“Why don’t you tell me now? Is there a problem, Rae? Is it because of Hestia?” He asked again.
When our order arrived, I drank right away because I felt my throat was getting too dry.
“Just at home. I need to pick up Ria from the hospital, because I left her there earlier,” I casually told him and looked at it.
It did not respond. Instead it kept its deep gaze on me before finally sighing violently. He sipped on his coffee while still staring at me.
"I'll just go get my things and we'll go," he told me coldly. I saw it squirm so my jaw dropped because of what he did.
Later, before I could react, he suddenly pulled me upright. The next thing I knew, we were now walking back to his office. I could feel his serious demeanor so I was alarmed. Is it because of what I said earlier?
“You can't go home yet, Lev. The taping isn't over yet,” I told him lazily and let myself sit on his couch there.
I looked at him with something doing on his desk as he turned in my direction.
“I’m the boss here, Astraea...” he uttered then look at me while his forehead is furrowed. "... let's go," he added so I fell silent.
Before I could get up, I heard the door suddenly open and Hestia spat. She looked at me for a moment before turning to Levi.
“I was looking for you, Emmanuel—”
“Stop calling me by that name, Hestia. Are you stupid?”
I saw the anger in the woman's eyes and I was even surprised at what it did. He moved away and quickly took his coat and turned to me.
"Let's go," he told me authoritatively.
“Where are you going? Can I come along? I'm on break so...”
“We’re going home, Love? Let’s go,” I said to Levi, interrupting Hestia’s saying.
But the Levi didn't even react to anything. His cold gaze remained on me as if measuring me by the way he was staring.
“Who are you? Why are you even here?” Hestia suddenly asked so I looked at her.
I raised an brow on her.
“I’m his fiancé and the mother of his child. Nice to meet you, Hestia Alcaraz,” I smiled at her.
She stared at me for a moment and laughed as if she was still teasing me.
“Really? I thought you were just kidding,” she replied and even looked at Levi and started laughing again.
I can feel the sudden irritation in me that in a few seconds, I will be able to hit this woman because I feel that she meant it.
“Oh my god! I was really away for that long time? Do you even know this man? I bet—"
"I know him very well... and even if there's something that I didn't know about him, I'm willing to accept it, so if I were you, don't try to destroy my family anymore," I told her emphatically. even before she could continue what she was going to say.
Before they could react two, I quickly left that area and headed to the parking lot. When I got there it was also when Levi arrived that the aura was still serious.
"Wear your seatbelt," he said in his cold baritone voice.
I lazily looked at him before following what he was doing. Then we set sail for the hospital.
When we got there, the two of us were still silent. Ria immediately greeted me excitedly as Acel and Zick followed.
“How’s dad? Who is inside?” Levi asked to his cousin.
"Your mom is waiting for you, she wants to talk," Acel told him as she looks at me for a second.
"About what?" Levi asked her again.
She just shrugged her shoulder so Levi just nodded. Before we could go inside, he suddenly grabbed my hand tightly and went straight inside.
"Why are you still with that woman?" His mommy asked him so I was surprised.
I could clearly see the tiredness and anger in its eyes so I didn’t know what I would react to. Whether I feel sorry for her or get angry.
“Mom, she’s my fiancé. I thought we talked about this?” Levi replied to his mom.
Levi almost hid me behind him as he held me tighter and tighter. I could feel the tension on his hands.
“I told you to get rid of her, Levi! If you want, I will give you a DNA test of that girl’s daughter to prove to you that she’s not even your daughter! Listen to me!” She almost screamed in despair.
My heart almost popped out of my chest because of that. Gradually, I seemed to lose my sanity, especially when she spoke about my daughter again. How can she do this to her own granddaughter?
“Ma, stop it! Asteria is my daughter and I will marry Astraea. You don’t have to interfere with that!” Full of anger and pain he told his mom as I just remained bent over.
I noticed my tears slowly trickling down the floor. I could feel the tightness in my chest.
“You can't get married, son! Believe me, the Laxamana family is opportunists. Who knows that maybe even that child is being used— ”
"Excuse me?" I said to her, cutting her off. I could see the focus of her sharp eyes on me.
I let go of Levi's hand and left beside him.
"I can accept all your insulting words to me but don't ever mention my whole family, especially my daughter," I told her emphatically.
I can feel the sudden tremble of my whole body. My head is shaking and I can feel the dizziness. I feel like I'm going to vomit because of my sobbing too much.
“Why? Does it hurt to know? That after my husband fell in love with your mother, she exchanged him for money... just...” she sighed and said to me.
I sighed violently while still looking at her.
"You don't know what you're saying," I told her as I was walking backward.
“S-sure, you can go insult me anytime you want but don’t ever include my daughter’s life here. If you don’t like me and my child, I won’t force you,” I firmly said to her then I went on my way.
When I came out, Acel was no longer there so I ran to the elevator but I almost fell because someone suddenly pulled me.
"Astraea, please... where are you going?" He asked me a soft question and reached for my hand.
I firmly wiped my tears from my cheeks and looked at him. I thought I was done there but when I saw how he looked, I cried even more. I was even more hurt.
“I... I don’t want to continue this, Levi...” I almost whispered to him.
Terror overtook his face. He quickly looked for my hands again and as soon as he caught them, he held me tightly.
"W-what?" He asked in disbelief.
I violently withdrew my hand and slapped it on my chest because I couldn’t breathe. I feel like I’m slowly losing air.
“I hate it, Lev. I'm tired of pushing myself into a world I don't fit into. I don't want... I don't want Ria to be affected at all. I... I can’t, please... I can’t. I can take every words, just attack me with hurtful words, but not my daughter,” I told him full of pain.
I finally sat there and covered my face while continue sobbing as if there is no tomorrow.
"N-no... don't you love me anymore, Rae?" he asked.
I feel the cessation of my world. When our eyes met, I felt even more pain.
“P-please, tell me you love me, I will fight for you until the end. All I need is you, Lumiere... please,” he uttered.
My whole being forcing to be strong, felt weak. Everything I have done was useless. I wanted to get out of this situation. Away from everyone; from him who made me like this. Fuck everything and the monster inside. I love him but I hated it here.