Chapter 31

The hydro-bikes were bicycle frames mounted on bright yellow pontoons with regular handlebars and metal mesh baskets in front. The pedals drove an underwater propeller. Michelle climbed on carefully and settled into her seat while Nick followed. The entire contraption was surprisingly stable, and after a minute of pedaling, which took more effort than she expected, even Nick began looking relaxed. They needed a few minutes to figure out how to keep their pedaling speed and direction coordinated, but once they did that, they could glide over the water, enjoy the beautiful leafy willows lining the lagoon and the clean, sharp skyline of Quinley beyond.

“I saw Sledge yesterday.” Nick threw that line out and lapsed into silence.

Dread started churning in Michelle’s stomach, harder than the water churning from their pedaling. She didn’t know what she had to feel so guilty about, but Candace’s outrage and now the thought of Nick’s disapproval made her want to leap off the hydro-bike and swim away.

No, that wasn’t fair. She felt the guilt herself, too. Here she’d said she was starting over, finished with the wrong kind of guys. She’d focused on Nolan as the perfect example of a man who would treat her well. But everything about him felt warm and sweet and brotherly, while one glance at Sledge turned everything hot and salty and lover-like.

And yet. When Sledge left her kitchen yesterday morning, she felt only emptiness, sadness and relief. Emptiness because she’d betrayed herself;

sadness because she knew she had no real chance at happiness with him, that he wouldn’t appear again except possibly for more sex—which she didn’t think was all that great, frankly; and relief because with him gone, she could try again to make her life better. Going off a diet once didn’t mean throwing in the towel and giving yourself license to pig.

“So, um, what did Sledge have to say?”

“More than he should have.” Nick’s words came out short and choppy, not like himself at all.

“Are you angry at me?”

“Of course not.” He stopped pedaling and turned toward her, his deep blue eyes warm with concern. “Why would I be angry at you?”

Michelle shrugged and ducked her head. “Everyone else is.”

“Everyone else being…Candace? Not Nolan…”

“No, not Nolan. But yes, Candace. And me.” She stopped pedaling, too, since with only her working they’d started going in a circle. “I know what he is, I know he’s bad for me. I did it anyway, and I don’t even know why. It’s like an addiction.”

“No, Michelle, I don’t think that’s it.” His voice was so tender she was afraid to look at him.

Afraid? Of Nick? She made herself turn. “So what is it? I inherited my mother’s insanity?”

“Nah. I’d guess you’ve got some low self-esteem issues, feeling for whatever reason that you’re not worthy of being treated well.”

Michelle’s chest tightened; she fought to keep her voice light. “Maybe.”

“Or fear of commitment. Choosing men you know you won’t hang around because deep down you’re afraid one will.”

“Oh.” Her best cheerful voice wavered. His gentle words were scaring her to death. It was safer to think of herself as a screw up or of all men as jerks than to examine why her relationships invariably failed. Being this scared of mere words could mean Nick had hit on a painful truth.

“Maybe next time really get to know the guy before you let him in the bedroom.”

She shrugged, she hoped carelessly. “I was trying to do that with Nolan.”

“Nolan isn’t the right man for you.”

“I guess not.” She shaded her eyes against the sun. “Because apparently he’s in love with my sister.”

Nick whistled softly. “Ouch. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” She shook back her hair, wishing the strange weight in her chest would go away. “Since I haven’t been able to make myself want him, she might as well.”

“You think she does?”

“Yeah.” She pictured Nolan’s handsome face and found she was relieved not to have to match herself up with him anymore. Because he wasn’t right? Or because she’d escaped a relationship that might actually work? Why did matters of the heart have to be so damn complicated? “In fact, I think something went on last night between them, which is so unlike Candace. To be all happy about matching him up with me, and then to go for him herself? That’s more like something I would do.”

“Don’t sell yourself short. He might be good for her.”

“I think he could be.” Michelle started pedaling again and said a sad, fond goodbye in her heart to the fantasy of Nolan. “You should’ve met her last boyfriend. I couldn’t stand him. He didn’t speak, he droned. And fussy, down to every last little detail. I never sensed any passion between them, or any sense of fun. He was like another of her duties. I have no idea why she stayed with him so long.”

“Relationships can become habits.”

She wanted to ask him if his with Emma had become that way, but didn’t dare.

“She left him right after he proposed, giant relief.”

They glided farther on the calm water, Michelle turning over thoughts about the mystery of Candace and Sam until it hit her. “Oh my God, maybe she has a fear of commitment, too!”

“Maybe she does.”

“Oh, that would be so much fun.” She was so excited she nearly steered them into a passing pedal boat. “All this time I thought I was the only dysfunctional one.”

“Michelle, you’re not dysfunctional, you are human. You didn’t have the healthiest upbringing or role model for relationships your first eight years. Give yourself a break.”

“Thanks, Nick.” The warmth that went through Michelle’s body wasn’t only from the sun. Once again Nick made her feel better about herself, sometimes more than she thought she deserved. She hoped she made him feel that way, too. Seemed like she was always the one needing him. “Nick, I really didn’t mean to get you out here so I could dump on you.”

“Fuhgettaboutit, Michelle. I was the one who brought up Sludge.”

“Sludge!” She giggled so hard her feet slipped off the pedals and it took her two tries to find them again. “That’s perfect. Now tell me something about you so I don’t feel like I’ve bored you to death.”

“You haven’t. And there’s not much to tell. My brother is coming to visit.”

She stared in astonishment. “You have a brother? How could I not know this?”

He shrugged. “I probably never mentioned him.”

“You’re not close?”

“Nah. He’s nothing like me.”