Chapter 68 069
Chapter 69
Thalia's POV
The first real test came in the fourth week.
One of the younger pack members, a woman named Lisa, approached me while I was cleaning the common areas after breakfast.
"You're Thalia, right? The one who was exiled?"
I kept scrubbing the table. "Yes."
"I heard what happened. With Shelly. How she provoked you and you defended yourself."
I didn't respond. This felt like a trap.
"I think it was brave. Standing up to the Alpha's mate like that."
"It wasn't brave. It was stupid. That's why I'm wearing this collar."
Lisa glanced around to make sure no one was listening. "Some of us think the way you've been treated is unfair. That Varian is too harsh."
"You should keep those thoughts to yourself."
"Don't you want to know you have support? People who think you're right?"
I finally stopped cleaning and looked at her directly. "What I want is to serve out my probation without additional problems. Whatever you're trying to do, I'm not interested."
"I'm just saying—"
"I know what you're saying. And I'm telling you to stop. If Varian hears you sympathizing with me, you'll end up in trouble too. I'm not worth that risk."
Lisa looked disappointed but nodded and left.
I reported the conversation to Sarah immediately.
"You did the right thing," Sarah confirmed. "Lisa's young and idealistic. She doesn't understand that agreeing with her could be seen as encouraging dissent."
"Is this going to cause problems for me?"
"Not if you keep doing what you're doing. Staying neutral. Refusing to engage with anyone who wants to use you as a symbol."
That evening, I told my mother about the encounter.
"People are watching you," she observed. "Some hoping you'll fail. Others hoping you'll inspire resistance. Both are dangerous."
"I'm not trying to inspire anything. I'm just trying to get through each day."
"I know. But your presence here is political whether you want it to be or not. You challenged the Alpha and survived. That means something to wolves who feel powerless."
"I didn't survive. I got crushed. There's a difference."
"You're still here. Still fighting in your own way. Some people see that as survival."
A week later, the situation with Lisa escalated.
She was caught speaking to other young pack members about unfair treatment and excessive Alpha authority. Someone reported her to Varian.
The entire pack was summoned to witness her punishment.
We stood in the main hall while Varian addressed the assembly.
"Lisa has been found guilty of encouraging dissent and questioning pack hierarchy. This cannot be tolerated."
Lisa stood before him looking terrified but defiant. "I was just expressing my opinion."
"You were undermining pack cohesion. Suggesting that pack members should question their Alpha's decisions. That's dangerous."
"I never said anyone should disobey. Just that some decisions seem harsh."
"And you cited Thalia's situation as an example of this supposed harshness."
My stomach dropped. Of course he'd connect this to me.
"Thalia defended herself against mistreatment," Lisa argued. "She shouldn't be punished for that."
"Thalia defied her Alpha and is now serving appropriate consequences. Your defense of her actions suggests you don't understand the importance of pack hierarchy."
"I understand it. I just think it should be fair."
Varian's expression hardened. "You'll spend one week in the holding cells. Perhaps that time will help you reconsider your views on what constitutes fairness."
Lisa was led away. The pack dispersed murmuring among themselves.
Shelly found me afterward. "You see what happens when people defend you? They suffer. Maybe you should make it clear you don't want anyone's support."
"I already told Lisa I wasn't interested in her sympathy."
"Tell everyone. Publicly. Make it known that you accept your punishment and don't want others defending your actions."
"That sounds like you want me to denounce myself."
"I want you to stop being a rallying point for discontent. You're a probationary member. Act like one."
After she left, I felt sick. Lisa was in a cell because she'd defended me. Because she'd seen my situation as unjust and said so out loud.
"This isn't your fault," my mother insisted when I told her.
"She's being punished because of me."
"She's being punished because she spoke unwisely. You warned her. You told her to stop. You did everything right."
"It doesn't feel right."
"It never does. But you can't take responsibility for other people's choices."
The next day, Varian summoned me again.
"Lisa's punishment is directly connected to you," he stated. "To her misguided defense of your past actions. I want to make sure there's no confusion about your position."
"I told her I didn't want her support."
"So Sarah reported. But clearly your message wasn't strong enough. Other pack members still see you as someone worth defending."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Make a public statement. At tomorrow's pack gathering. Clarify that you accept full responsibility for your actions. That you don't want anyone defending you. That you're grateful for the opportunity to prove yourself through probation."
The request made my skin crawl. He wanted me to humiliate myself publicly. To reinforce his authority by having me validate my own punishment.
"And if I refuse?"
"Then your probation is extended. Another six months added to your sentence. And Lisa's punishment is doubled."
He had me trapped. Refuse and hurt both myself and Lisa. Comply and surrender whatever dignity I had left.
"I'll make the statement."
"Good. I'll expect complete sincerity. No subtle defiance. No resistance in your tone or expression. You will sound genuinely contrite."
After I left his office, I found a private corner and let myself break down briefly. Just a few minutes of crying before I pulled myself together.
My mother found me there.
"He wants a public statement," I told her. "Wants me to essentially apologize for existing."
"Then you give him what he wants. Say the words he needs to hear. It doesn't change who you actually are."
"Doesn't it? At what point does saying I'm sorry and grateful and accepting become the truth? When does the performance become real?"
"When you stop fighting it internally. As long as you know the difference between what you're required to say and what you actually believe, you're still yourself."
The gathering was scheduled for the next evening. The entire pack assembled. I stood at the front with Varian watching.
"I want to address recent events," I began, my voice steadier than I felt. "I know some pack members have expressed sympathy for my situation. I appreciate the sentiment but it's misplaced. I made choices that warranted consequences. Alpha Varian was right to exile me initially and right to offer probation as a path back to the pack. I accept full responsibility for my actions. I don't want anyone defending me or questioning the fairness of my punishment. I'm grateful for this opportunity to prove I can be a respectful pack member."
The words tasted like ash. Every syllable felt like betrayal of myself.
But I said them clearly and convincingly. Gave Varian exactly what he wanted.
The pack members listened in silence. Some looked satisfied. Others looked disappointed. A few looked sympathetic despite my statement.
Afterward, Varian nodded approval. "Well done. That's exactly what was needed."
Shelly smiled at me like she'd won something.
I went back to the servants' quarters feeling hollowed out.
"You did what you had to do," my mother reassured me.
"I denounced myself. Publicly validated everything Varian did to me."
"You said words. That's all. Words that keep you and Lisa safe."
"Words matter. They become truth if you say them enough."
"Then make sure you don't say them enough. Make sure you remember what you actually believe underneath the compliance."
That night I lay awake thinking about identity and survival. About how much of yourself you could surrender before there was nothing left to reclaim.
I'd said I was grateful for probation. That Varian was right to punish me. That I deserved this collar and this subservient position.
None of it was true. But I'd said it anyway.
And somewhere deep down, I worried that if I kept saying it, kept performing contrition, eventually it would become real.
Eventually I'd forget I was just surviving and start believing I actually deserved this.
That scared me more than anything else about the next ten months.
Not the work or the collar or the watchful eyes.
But the possibility that I'd lose myself so completely that when the probation ended, I wouldn't remember who I'd been before.