Chapter 81 I can live without being your boyfriend
“Really?” My voice was muffled against her shirt.
“Well, it would have been strange. And it’s Ryan. He’s the exact kind of boy you don’t want your daughter to date,” she said, and I could hear the smile in her voice. “But if you had told me, I would have tried to understand.”
“You’re the best mom,” I said, pulling back to look at her.
“I’m glad you think so. Because starting next month, I’m moving back home. You’re stuck with me again,” she said, winking.
“Great. I won’t have to do my own laundry,” I laughed, and she rolled her eyes.
“So,” she said, growing serious again. “What are you going to do?”
“About what?”
“About Ryan.”
“What about him?”
“He wants you back. He made that very clear to me. His exact words were: ‘I love your daughter. Very much.’”
“Mom!” I felt my face get hot.
“What will you say to him?”
“I… don’t know. Things have changed. I have…”
Cole. I had Cole. And I’d been avoiding him. He must be so worried.
“Mom, is Cole still here?”
“He never left,” she said softly. “Do you want to see him?”
I bit my lip, not knowing what to say.
“Oh, I see,” she said, a knowing smile spreading across her face. “Young love and all its complications. Takes me back.”
“Mom!”
“Did you know I was in a love triangle once? In high school, my best friend and the star quarterback both asked me to the prom.”
“Really? Who did you go with?”
“I chose the bad boy, of course. I was sixteen,” she said, rolling her eyes. “And nine months later, I had you.”
“What?” I gasped. She’d never told me that.
“Yeah. He turned out to be terrible, as you can probably guess,” she said with a dry laugh.
“Do you ever regret not choosing your best friend?”
“No,” she said, her smile turning soft. “Because then I never would have met my soulmate. You.”
I shook my head and smiled. Louisa, no, my mom, was the best.
“Mom… can you ask Cole to come in, please?”
“Hey,” Cole said as he walked in.
He looked messy, like he hadn’t slept, with dark circles under his eyes. He came over and sat carefully on the edge of the bed. He gave me a small smile, leaned in, and kissed my cheek gently.
“Hey,” I whispered back.
“I missed you,” he said, leaning his head against mine. “How do you feel?”
“Like I’ve been through something huge,” I said.
“I never should have let you go. I’m so sorry, Saraphina.”
“Why are you apologizing? This wasn’t your fault, Cole.”
“I’m your boyfriend. I should have taken care of you better,” he said. He paused, then went on. “I should have seen what was happening sooner. I shouldn’t have left that night. I shouldn’t have let you go.”
“Cole, stop. It’s not your job to fix me. I made my own choices. You tried to help, but you can’t carry this for me. I have to carry it myself.”
I had been so bad at taking care of myself. This whole nightmare was a wake-up call. I had to stop destroying myself. I had to be better.
“I was just so scared of losing you. I just got you…” he said, his fingers brushing my cheek.
I used to be able to tell Cole anything. He was my best friend. But now, with so much in my head, I couldn’t find the words.
“Saraphina? What’s wrong?” he asked, watching my face.
His question made my heart ache. I knew what I had to do. It was the only fair thing.
“Cole, I… can’t do this anymore. Us,” I said, the words coming out before I could stop them.
“What?” He looked shocked.
“This isn’t fair to you. You’re waiting for me to change, for things to get better. But what if I don’t? What if this is just who I am?”
“What are you talking about, Saraphina?” He looked at me closely, his eyes searching mine.
“This made me realize something. I love you. I really do. But it’s not the right kind of love. I can’t give you what you need.”
“I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?”
“Cole, I care about you too much to let you settle for this. Please don’t wait around for someone who can’t give you everything you deserve. Even if that someone is me.”
“Saraphina… are you ending things?” His voice broke.
I looked down. I didn’t want to say it, but he already knew.
“Hey, I know you’re in a hard place right now. Especially with… him being here. Don’t make a choice you’ll regret.”
“This isn’t about him, Cole,” I said, shaking my head. “This is about us. I thought if I kept trying, I could love you the way you should be loved. But that’s not fair. You deserve so much more than just my trying.”
He closed his eyes, holding in the hurt.
“I am so sorry, Cole,” I whispered, placing my hand gently on his face.
He was quiet for what felt like forever. I waited, watching him. Finally, he let out a long, slow breath and opened his eyes.
“You can’t force your heart to feel something it doesn’t. I should have known that,” he said, his voice low.
It hurt. This whole thing hurt. But we both needed it. Just like my mom and Clement… we both deserved something real. Cole, especially, deserved the whole world.
“Can I ask for one thing?” he said suddenly.
“Anything.”
“I want my best friend back,” he said, and it was a real, true smile. “I can live without being your boyfriend. But I can’t live without my best friend.”
I smiled back, a real, big smile that reached my eyes.
“You never lost her, you idiot,” I said, pushing his shoulder playfully. He pushed me back.
We sat there grinning at each other. It was going to be okay. After everything, we were still us. And that meant everything.