Chapter 77 Chapter 39 (i)
FAE
I didn't know how long Carl and I had been staring at each other, but I could imagine what he saw in this scene. All of us, semi-naked, having a good time. I was practically draped over Jigo on the recliner, his long limbs wrapped around me. And, obviously, he saw our kiss. Kisses.
In all our years of friendship, this was the first time he had seen me intimate with a man. I had never given any other man more than a passing glance whether Carl was around or not. I suddenly realized that, in Carl’s mind, I was still an innocent twelve-year-old even though I had grown up right before his very eyes.
Even now, it was clear that he still saw me as the teenager who only had eyes for him, adored him almost all her life, and gave no other man special attention. Maybe that’s why he looked so shaken up. He was pale, glassy-eyed, and slack-jawed.
Because this was the first time he was seeing this version of me… the freed me.
I suddenly remembered what Jigo said.
Once Carl saw another man sharing my affection, it would change how he saw me and how we interacted as friends. I felt a little unease at this thought. For many years, I had longed for him to see me as a woman, not a young girl he regarded as the sister he wished to have had. But now that I didn’t want that anymore and was only hoping to keep the relationship that we used to share, I didn’t ever want to think he was seeing me a different way. I didn’t even know how to treat him anymore after what happened in his wedding. I was his surrogate sister, yet he'd let his wife treat me the way she did. That was now what’s disappointing me. Though I didn’t want to even think of that incident at all today.
But I was now thinking it. In my life, Carl had been the closest to me. Before Jigo, Carl was everything. When he hurt me, my trust in him vanished, replaced by pain. It distressed me so much that the man I put on a pedestal wasn’t as perfect as I had thought.
Oh, that was just a phrase. Of course, he wasn’t perfect but he was the best. And he was decent, so I thought. That wasn’t true anymore. My genuine affection for him as a foster brother remained. But the infatuation, the dream of being his girlfriend and wife, disappeared. Did it transfer to Jigo? Yes. But not because I wanted to shift it, but because Jigo did everything to steal it and win it in a short time.
The way Jigo earned my trust and affection was far different from my experience with Carl. Jigo gave me his time, laughter, every hug and kiss I needed. He didn’t let me be alone, or hungry, or cry for long. He made me feel needed and demanded from me everything I was eager to give to a man who would love me.
Jigo fulfilled all those needs until I was whole and healed. Until it was hard to remember I was ever hurt. Until only happiness remained. Until I couldn’t imagine my life without him by my side.
And now, Carl saw me with open eyes. This was who I was when I loved and was loved. I had wanted to show him for a very long time. But Jigo was the one who brought it out of me, discovered me.
But Carl couldn’t believe it. His face showed that he was comparing the time when he was special in my eyes to this one when I had spent time with Jigo. I knew him well enough to read exactly what he was thinking. In his critical mind, it wasn’t enough. He didn’t believe what he saw. He couldn’t believe anyone could surpass him in my attention and love.
The shock turned to anger. He thought it was still the two of us even though there was never an ‘us.’ He thought he still had my loyalty even though he wasn’t loyal to me.
I read all of that on his face, and that he was jealous of Jigo. The look he gave Jigo screamed, ‘How dare you touch her? How dare you kiss her? How dare you take what’s mine?!’
It was clear that whatever brought him here, he wasn’t prepared for what he would see. And his face was wide open with his reaction to the obvious relationship between Jigo and me.
“Oh, fuck,” I heard Jigo say, and I looked at him, thinking. Carl and I were never a couple, but as a foster brother, he was protective of me. That’s why it hurt so much when he acted out at the wedding. I thought I would at least feel his brotherly care. But he treated me like a gate-crasher.
But Jigo had already warned me about this. That Carl would be jealous. That his territorial side would be triggered. I didn’t believe that. It’s different when you see it for yourself.
“Did you know they were back?” I asked him.
His jaw was tight. His hold on me tightened, too.
“Let me go,” I said, then hesitated. “Should we talk to them? They’re not invited,” I said in a confused whisper.
But his hold tightened. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he said softly.
I froze. “So you knew?”
He nodded. “They arrived last night. He sent me a message. I didn’t know they’d come here. It’s a fucking Sunday.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You were excited about your friends arriving and I didn’t want to make you cry. I don’t know if it will trigger anything and it might ruin today so I decided to wait until tonight to tell you.”