Chapter 46

I arrived home with the same livid expression as when I left the laboratory. I could feel the cold sweat on my forehead, I could feel the pallor of my face, the instability of my legs and hands, the pure panic in my still wide-open eyes.

"Are you really all right, daughter?", I heard my mother say as soon as we entered the house, and as much as she was standing right next to me, her voice was distant, as if there were several meters between us.

I nodded vaguely, just as I had done all the way in the car, without even trying to understand what she was asking. I walked as fast as I could to my room, almost tripping on the stairs, and locked myself in a hurry. I leaned my back against the door and struggled against my wobbly knees, unable to define exactly what was happening inside me.

I felt in a trance, in a dimension completely removed from reality, oblivious to any feelings. It was as if they were trapped in a tiny box, imprisoned, turning me into a hollow person. I could feel no remorse, no pain, no anger, nothing. Just emptiness. The same emptiness that kept my eyes wide-eyed and fixed to the lamp on my bedside table, not really seeing anything. I could only see snippets of recent events flashing through my mind.

When I realized what I was doing, I found myself in my bathroom, taking off my clothes with agony, as if there were ants or something else unwanted in them. I rudely put all the items in the laundry basket, in the useless illusion that this would help me at all. I turned on the shower until a strong stream of water gushed out of it, and stepped headlong into the icy waterfall. My body shuddered from the thermal shock, but I held still, letting the water run down the drain and take with it all that was left of him in me.

Absorbing the whirlwind of crazy things that had happened in such a short time seemed impossible, but when understanding finally dawned on me and I was able to organize my thoughts, the unanswered questions engulfed me like a tidal wave. How did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen? I loved Steve, I could feel my heart aching with guilt with every beat!

But at the same time I could feel the slight tremors running down my spine with every second spent thinking about Nicholas; even though I was under the shower I could still smell him on my skin, the smell that I had become unconsciously dependent on some time ago. It wasn't right to want a bully like that, just for pure physical attraction, while I had a Prince Charming giving me all the love I needed.

With my eyes tightly closed, I remained in that position for countless minutes. It was extremely painful, but I didn't even try to stop myself from thinking about Steve. The image of his smiling, beaming, passionate face soon dominated my mind, except when Professor Cassano's brown eyes kept popping up, so mesmerizing that they would knock even the most insensitive person off their feet. As I once was in relation to him.

I hugged myself, feeling my fingertips getting colder and colder, and opened my eyes, since keeping them closed only made my situation worse. I focused on the wet glass box in front of me, right where there was a small shelf with my shampoo, soap, and conditioner. In one corner of the shelf was an almost untouched sponge that Mom had given me some time ago, waiting for its next rare use. I didn't have to think twice.

I took the sponge, soaking it and rubbing my soap on it until I made sure there was enough lather. With the rough side, I began rubbing myself all over in a frantic, masochistic motion, starting with my arms and moving down the rest of my body. The reddish welts the sponge had left on my skin were barely visible, hidden under the thick layer of foam that covered them, but I could feel them burning insistently. Desperate, I scrubbed even harder, and each place the sponge went brought back a memory of everything Nicholas and I had done. A huge painful lump formed in my throat, but I promised myself that I would not shed a tear. Not for him. Not for Nicholas.

It had only been a moment of insanity, nothing more. It would never happen again, that was for sure. Steve wouldn't have to know, there was no feeling, there never had been and never would be. I hated Nicholas , and I didn't know how I would live without Steve. And for all the aspects that made them two completely different people, I kept that mistake inside of me, in a deserted corner of my memory, where no one would take it away. That was it. It was over.

I dropped myself on the floor of the shower stall, tired and wheezing from the effort with the sponge. I leaned my head against the wall behind me, feeling my skin burn even more when the cold water splashed against me, and stared into the void for a while. Totally numb. I had made my decision. I knew I wouldn't be able to face Steve again without remembering my lie, but the mere thought of telling him and seeing the disgust in his eyes made my body involuntarily cringe. Steve didn't deserve to be lied to, and I knew I didn't deserve it, but I was too selfish to tell him the truth and watch him abandon me.

After a long time that I couldn't calculate, I heard knocking on my bedroom door. I ignored them completely, unable to talk to anyone. I felt a little calmer, but not yet fully back to reality.

That's when I heard an unexpected voice on the other side of the door.