But it doesn't seem to affect him how I wanted it to. He says:
''Anyway, I don't want to feel any of that anymore. It was a mistake, which I will not make again.''
It is the Chris I wouldn't say I like talking to. And I hate him now.
'' You know what, Chris?''
He looks surprised now, but soon I see the anger in his eyes and a fake smile when he says:
''I think we get along better this way.''
I say:
''Yeah, I guess we do.''
There is no more time to talk here and think that I came to tell him that maybe I was wrong and we didn't need any other company, at least for the time being.
That I loved knowing that he was jealous because I was too that night when I denied it, that may be what we feel for each other is more than attraction, but now it doesn't make sense to say any of that anymore.
So I walk toward the door, leaving him in his room alone, and get out of there as fast as I can.
... Chris...
The problem is that as soon as she closes the door behind her, a little more complicated than necessary, I realize that I don't feel any better after everything I have told her. I thought that by revealing to her how I felt, she would react differently. Still, we always argue, so I decided it is better to leave things as they have always been because trying to change or show that I am different from what she imagines didn't work very well.
She just wanted to convince me that we'll be better off this way because I don't think I will. But it's like I told her, I tried, even though I knew I might end up the way I am now. Now I have to let it all go and see what happens.
...
I haven't had the best night's sleep, so I'm almost asleep at work. To avoid this, I decided to re-read that e-mail from Sam that I received a few days ago. He finally managed to raise some money and even got sponsorships to develop the creation of that game we worked on the idea of a few years ago. He wants me to come back to New York to give a hand in the development of the project, I hadn't decided what to do, but now I think it would be a good idea. I need some fresh air.
...
''Do you think it's a good idea, little brother?''
''Yes, it's a unique opportunity because it's much more my field than my job here. ''
Julie seems satisfied with this, and I continue:
''Not to mention that I came here to stay for a few days, and I've already been bothering you for months.''
She gets a frown on her face now and says:
''You know that's not true, Chris. Knowing this apartment is half yours, you can stay as long as you want. Dad brags about it at every Christmas dinner.''
I end up laughing, and so does she, and I say:
''Sometimes, I understand why you came to live so far away.''
We laugh even more. Only those who know our family will understand this.
Molly appears with some books in her hand at the door and looks in our direction, she doesn't look very well, and neither do I. I won't deny that I didn't want to see her. I won't deny that I didn't want to see her, but I don't know if this was a good time. I waited for her to call me and even thought about looking her up so we could talk one more time, but I understand that Molly always needs some time and space. Doesn't she realize that it takes people away from her? But I'm not going to try to make her understand that again, and it will have to be on its own.
She comes up to me and says hello, and I say hello back. There are many dull moods between us, and Julie rolls her eyes, she already knows more or less how we always act, and now there's nothing to make her suspect anything between us, even if there isn't anymore.
They talk about some college work they have to finish, and I tell them I'm going up to my room. There's not much point in me standing here looking at her and wishing we were together in a way that I don't think will ever be possible.
... Molly...
I wish that tightness in my heart wasn't here. I don't remember feeling this bad when I broke up with Colin, but I know I did, or maybe it bothers me more because Chris is standing there a few steps away from me. It hurts to remember what we talked about, and it hurts to remember how he said he didn't want to feel whatever it was he was feeling about before.
I didn't have the best week and didn't sleep as well as I needed to. Julie asked me why I had massive dark circles under my eyes, and I had to lie. I said it was because I was worried about the upcoming exams and thought about telling her about Chris and me. I had never hidden anything from Julie like that before, but I thought it was better not to do that because it was enough how we always acted in front of her, and the whole atmosphere after that discouraged me.
Julie, as always the best friend one can have, told me to come to her house on Thursday afternoon to review the content so that I could stop worrying about the assessment tests next week.
I know that maybe I can meet Chris there since I know that at this time he is no longer at work, but as much as I don't want to see him, I know that I want to see him. I reach the door of Julie's apartment and lift my hand to the doorknob, but stop myself as soon as I hear his voice, even his voice I have missed these last few days.