X...
As always, the night with you was wonderful and unforgettable. Your touch, your scent, your kiss, and the way you make love to me will always be etched in my mind. As well as your words...
You were very important in my life. I tried to fight the desire I felt for you all these years, and lost the battle several times. You are a part of me; my life didn't make much sense until you appeared, and I'm grateful to you for being my friend, confidant, my lover...
It's undeniable that we are perfect for each other, that we have harmony and chemistry... in bed.
Our relationship boils down to the bed, to sex, and it has always been that way...
A few years ago, I would have given anything to live this relationship beyond the bedroom door, but today I understand that it's not possible, and I know you will understand that too.
When you said that you wanted me and couldn't live without me... I didn't feel what I wanted to feel when I heard those words. I know the first thing that came to your mind now was because of life's challenges, which in a way carry their weight. However, you deserve more than I can offer, and, most importantly, I deserve more than you're capable of offering me.
I could list here all the things that are missing for me to be with you forever, but even so, one thing will be missing that I'm not able to offer you, because it belongs to another: love.
The truth is, I love Carlos.
It sounds strange considering everything we've been through, but I've loved him since the first time my eyes met his, and it will be that way until my eyes close forever. That's what I feel... And that's why I can't choose you today...
I hope you find what you desire.
Goodbye,
Dália Penedo Salazar.
***
I park my car at my mother's house as I need to pick up my children who spent the day with my husband, or in a few hours, my ex-husband, take them home to the nanny, go to the office to sign my divorce before heading to work. I step out of the vehicle, and my sister is already at the door with an anxious expression, holding Juan's hand while carrying Marisol in her other arm.
“Is everything okay?” I ask as I pick up Marisol.
“Yes,” my sister says, biting her lips. “I thought you might have met with him.”
“Him who?” I ask, not understanding. Then I walk toward my car and open the door to the back seats. “Who are you talking about?”
“Carlos... he just left from here,” my sister reveals, lifting my son in her arms to adjust him in the car seat. “Sis, he didn't seem well.”
“Thank you for letting me know,” I say, adjusting Marisol. I take a deep breath and then turn to my sister. “It's not up to me, but if it were, know that it would be different.”
I move away from my sister, get into the car, and start driving toward my home. I watch my children through the rearview mirror and then turn to Juan.
“So, how was the weekend? Did you have fun with Carlitos?”
“It was so great,” Juan starts, raising his arms. “I had ice cream, played in the park, got a toy car, and Papi even played airplane with me.”
“Papi? Who's Papi?” I ask, looking at Juan through the rearview mirror.
“Papi...”
“Carlitos?”
“Yes, but he's my dad. I call him Papi... you said that when Daddy came back, I should call him Papi. And he came back, and I missed him... so when I saw him... I said, Papi.”
“Do you miss Carlitos... oops! I mean, Papi?” I ask, curious.
“I was really missing my dad. And he missed me too... he even cried. So I cried too... just a little, like this,” Juan says, pinching his fingers together. “When is he coming home, Mom?”
“I don't know, son. I don't know,” I reply, my voice choking up.
“Doesn't Mom miss Daddy?” Juan asks.
“I miss him a lot,” I say, wiping my face.
“Then ask Papi to come back home.”
“Is it that simple?” I ask, with a faint smile on my lips. When we're children, everything seems so simple...
“Yes. Just tell him: come back, we miss you, and then he'll come back.”
“And if he doesn't come back?” I ask Juan.
“He will, Mom. Papi loves us... He said so.”
“He said?” I ask, wiping my face. “All of us?”
“Yes. He said: I love you, I love your little sister, and I love Mom a lot. Mom, do you love Daddy too?”
“I do, Juan, but...”
The words get stuck in my throat, but it's not something Juan notices, as he's already focused on something else. I love Carlos, but... what?