Faith.
I can’t face Beau or Everest right now. I feel awful about it, but I need to distance myself from them. Limit contact.
Everest tried to see me yesterday. He got as far as the door and hit the brick wall that is my roommate. Charlene stepped outside our room to talk to him. My hoodie was pulled up and over my head, and I burrowed deeper under my quilt.
I’m too embarrassed. I close my eyes and imagine Chloe presenting the pic to Dad to prove he lacks good parenting skills. I obsess over how hard it would hit him to see me half-naked, like I posed for the shot. And I want to shrivel into nothingness and disappear.
I split my time between sleeping and studying. I go to class and turn in assignments, but I don’t retain anything I’ve read. I’m in a fugue state. Finals are nearly upon us. Ditto the holidays. I’ll probably fail all my classes, but I can’t bring myself to care.
If Charlene and Raja are my gatekeepers, Kirsty is my warrior and wailing wall. She picks up the phone when I call her at midnight, which makes it three in the morning for her. I told Dad the only present I wanted for Christmas was an airline ticket for Kirsty. She will arrive the day after Christmas and stay for two weeks. I’m counting the hours until her arrival.
I duck into The Canteen for coffee. Some dude I don’t recognize winks at me and says, “Hey, you’re that girl on the bed.”
I simply raise my right hand and shoot my tormentor a stiff middle finger. Words aren’t necessary.
I exist on caffeine. Food doesn’t sit right with me these days. I add cream and fake sugar to my coffee and move toward the exit.
I pass Caleb’s teammates, Tim Burr and TJ. They crowd the guy who taunted me on my way in. I overhear TJ say, “Anyone who messes with Faith answers to Caleb, Everest and the rest of the team.”
His threat makes me twitchy. I feel a burn between my shoulder blades. I briefly wonder whether I’m making the wrong choice to shelter in place, like an armadillo burying herself under the dirt when threatened. I’ve always fought my own battles. It’s odd to have someone other than Kirsty on my side.
I can’t think about this now. My brain will implode. I need to drink this coffee and make my way over to my next class.
Gabe walks toward me on the sidewalk. He’s changed so much in these past months since the football team adopted him. His self-confidence is off the charts. Thinking about Gabe stirs up other memories, and I force my mind to repeat lyrics to “Castle on a Cloud” from Les Misérables to keep my brain occupied and away from painful thoughts.
“Hey, Faith.”
I nod. I don’t want to talk. I have zero patience for idle chitchat.
Gabe changes directions to walk along with me. “Why are you doing this to Caleb?”
“Fuck you, Gabe.” Telling him off doesn’t hitch my stride.
He hurries to catch up. “Come on. You’re completely unreasonable. You can be a pain in the ass, but this is the first time I’ve witnessed your selfishness.”
I can’t handle this conversation anymore. I dump what’s left of my coffee in the nearest trash can in order to use both hands for twice the flip-off firepower and keep walking.
“That’s real mature. Why did you break up with him? His dad died two weeks ago. You’re cruel.”
The bare truth of what he said makes me misstep. “Don’t get involved in situations that are none of your business. Our relationship was doomed from the start.”
“You can’t be this dense. You guys are perfect together. And that pic upload made you.”
My fugue state evaporates. “Made me? Fuck. You. Do you have any idea how demoralizing it is to find yourself on social media so other people can comment—then download your image—and create memes about you? Until that happens to you, do us both a favor. Shut up and stay out of it.”
Gabe loses his breath trying to match his steps to mine. “First, Caleb didn’t post it. Dana did.”
Hearing her name makes me see red. I was such an idiot for believing her. For not telling Caleb about her. And every damn thing.
Gabe grunts. “Second, Caleb’s a mess. Get your head out of your ass and talk to him. You didn’t want to be objectified, but your picture was wicked hot. Own it. Dana wins when you cower and hide in your dorm. Embrace your fame instead of acting like a humiliated turtle.”
What the hell? I have no idea what to say, so I blurt the first thing that pops in my head. “I’m an armadillo, not a turtle.”
I turn the corner and hurry to my next class.
I’m hiding out at a local donut shop a couple of blocks from my dorm. The place is borderline sketchy, but perfect for me because none of the college students come here. I bought a bottled water—the safest choice to avoid being kicked out for loitering.
I save and close the Word document with my homework. Bad idea, because then I have a moment to stare at the wallpaper pic of Sinjin and me at Iguana’s. The restaurant where we met for the first time became our place.
Past tense.
A five-pound burrito sits on the table between us. I’m not covering my face. The pain in my chest becomes so intense it’s hard to breathe. I close my laptop. I wish I could put my memories to sleep as easily as I do my computer.
Tears gather in my eyes. I blink them back because no way will I give anyone the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurts.
My last class of the day is behind me. So are the whispers and the sidelong glances I’ve dealt with ever since my picture hit social media. I leave the donut place and walk back to my dorm. Head down, hoodie up. I don’t wait for the elevator. All that open glass in the lobby makes me feel exposed. I use the stairs to get to the third floor. When I exit the stairwell, Raja looks up from his book.
“Hey, Faith. Do you have a minute?”
No, I want to yell, but Raja has played the role of guardian this week and I won’t ignore him or treat him with anything less than respect. “Sure. What’s up?”
He motions me over to his desk. “I understand your need to regroup, but if you want to vent, I’m available.”
“Thanks, Raja.”
I hurry to my room before I lose my shit, unlock the door, and step inside.
Charlene and Everest are on her bed, and she’s sitting on his lap. His hair stands on end in some places. Her blouse is mostly unbuttoned. I have no idea why it strikes me as hilarious.
“Wow, Charlene. You really know how to distract him.” I say it with a smile so she knows I’m teasing.
They split apart. Everest nods at me. Charlene probably needs more time to settle her hormones. She looks a little dazed. She pats her hair into place. “Everest, you need to go now. I told you she’d be back soon.”
“No need, I’ll head out and give you two some privacy.”
Charlene stammers. “That’s not what I meant. We were arguing. I said he needed to leave. This was his attempt at convincing me he should stay.”
For the first time in a week I laugh. “Is this a tactic you learned from your Debate Team days?”
Everest says, “More like Personal Conflict Resolution. Take a walk with me.”
He turns to Charlene. “We’ll be back soon, and you and I will finish our conversation.”
“Is that what people call it?” I ask.
“Come on, Lola. We need to talk.”
Charlene places her hands on her hips. “No, Everest. Faith doesn’t have to go anywhere with you unless she wants to go.”
Everest glances at me. “What’s it going to be, Lola?”
Her efforts to shield me make me realize how far we’ve come in our friendship, and I’m grateful. “Thanks, Charlene. I’m fine, but you may want to button up your blouse if you go down the hall to use the bathroom.”
She glances at her chest and her face flames. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?”
“I thought you knew,” I say.
She just shakes her head. “Go.”
We head down the hall, but Raja materializes at the elevators. “Faith, we have a meeting scheduled to review that addendum to the Dorm Use of Space rules right now.”
Sweet. Not an official challenge, but Raja’s giving me an out if I need one. There is no addendum.
“Can we reschedule our meet for a few hours?”
He takes a moment to study me. “Sure. We can do that.”
Everest and I step outside. It’s brisk for California. At a guess, the temperature hovers somewhere around fifty degrees. He leads me to a bench in the deserted quad. Chances are slim we’ll get interrupted. I’m not sure if this is a blessing or a curse.
“Lola, why are you barricading yourself in your room?”
“What makes you say that?”
“The fact that you have not one but two guardians blocking the rest of us mortals from contacting you.”
“Exaggerate much?”
“Sometimes, but not now. I get your anger with CW about your privacy being invaded, but to the casual observer, there seems to be a deeper issue. You’re completely avoiding contact with everyone, not just CW. Do I need to kick his ass?”
The ice around my heart melts a bit. “I appreciate your concern. Caleb didn’t do anything. Semester finals are breathing down my neck, and I have to concentrate.”
He shakes his head at me. “You expect me to believe that?”
“Yes.”
He stares at me until I give up.
“Fine. I’m not getting into it, but this isn’t the first time I’ve been shamed on social media. If Caleb hadn’t taken the freaking picture in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Ahh…was CW aware of your previous episode?”
The sudden sharp pinprick to my heart jolts me. “Yes. I’m tired of being made fun of on social media. I left home hopeful I wouldn’t be a pariah again. The endless memes.” Hic.
Crap. Shit. Frickin’ hiccups. I hold my breath. “I thought I was safe from all that here, and now it’s happening again.”
“Wait. What? There are memes?”
“The football groupies must have posted more clever one-liners about my pic. And I’m tired of it.” Hic.
“Show me, because if that’s true, I’ve got to plan mass murder.”
Hic. “I’m not on social media. I refuse to read the shit people write about me.”
“Faith, are we talking about the same picture?”
“Holy cow, if there are more, I’m moving to a country that bans all forms of social media.”
He frowns at me. “Let’s back up. Are people harassing you for the picture posted to CW’s account?”
I start to say yes, but then I consider his question and realize that I haven’t heard anything negative. Though I’ve been the recipient of some sidelong glances, other than the dude who recognized me in the cafeteria today, I haven’t heard any taunts. Not like with Dimitri.
“No.” I let out the breath I’d been holding. “I’ve been waiting for it to get bad, but it hasn’t. Yet.”
“Did you follow CW’s account before he took it down?”
“No. I’m not on social media. I don’t want that kind of noise joining the negativity that’s already in my head.”
“You really don’t see yourself, do you? You’re getting attention because that picture of you is hot. And I’m ready to punch the next guy who says that about someone I think of as my sister.”
Hot? No. That’s not me. “I stopped reading after I got through the comments made by the bitch squad. Let’s just say they’ve given me a few nightmares and I don’t need anymore.”
“Lola, you tuned out before the final snap. Sometimes you miss the comeback when you leave a game early.”
My heart starts to ram against my ribs. “My brain broke. I can’t solve your riddles today.”
“Fair enough. Straight talk. There were ten comments made by persons who are now party banned. Permanently. Their negativity became drowned by a flood of supportive comments. Do you honestly believe that CW, Beau, or I would let anyone trash-talk you and get away with it?”
I don’t know what to think. This is still new territory for me. More than one friend defending me. I’m staggered by the thought.
Everest pats my knee. “Can I show you something?”
I shrug. It’s like he’s speaking an unfamiliar language. He scrolls through his phone and turns it around so I can see the screenshot.
“I thought you went low profile because the stir your pic caused. The attention and invasion of privacy. The guys who said they’d line up to hook up.”
I nearly drop his phone.
He folds his hand around mine, probably to keep his cell from hitting the pavement. “The girl in this pic doesn’t take shit from anyone. She’s confident, and more than a little bit in love.”
I stare at my picture. I remember the connection with Caleb that day. The second time we made love. How my heart couldn’t get any fuller. It’s etched across my face. And I realize something else. I am the person Caleb sees in this image.
Caleb’s right. I bided my time waiting for a chance to walk. Never believing in him one hundred percent. For all my talk of love, I’m a coward. When I moved to California, I wanted a fresh start. I got it. And I threw it all away at the first sign of trouble. I pushed my friends away. Everest. Beau. And Caleb. I’m so wrapped up in my past I can’t see my future. I’m an idiot. Caleb didn’t deserve my anger. We both got hit by the collateral damage of Dana’s revenge.
I’ve been careless with my friends.
“Everest, I’ve been stupid.”
“I wouldn’t say that. Maybe a tad clueless. Are you going to fix it with CW?”
“I hope so. There are a few people I need to apologize to. Do me a favor and send me this pic.” I wrap my arms around him. “Thanks for sticking around, even when I go dopey.”
“Don’t make a habit of it.”
“Gotta run.” I press my lips against his cheek. “Thanks, bro.”
I call Beau. When he answers, I ask, “Are you willing to forgive a dumbass?”
“That would depend on the dumbass.”
Hic. Shit. “That would be me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dig a hole and disappear. Will you forgive me?”
“Absolutely. What brought on your change of heart?”
“Everest. He showed me something I needed to see. Something you’ve been trying to show me for months. I’m sorry, Beau. Old habits die hard.”
“As long as they remain dead, it’ll be okay. We’re good, Faith.”
Hic. “That’s a relief. Let’s get together for coffee tomorrow. Our usual spot?”
“Sure. Sounds like you’re in a hurry.”
“I have to find Caleb. I owe him the biggest apology of all.”
“Then we’ll have a lot to talk about tomorrow.”
“Always. Bye, Beau.”
I hang up, request Rides to get me to The Row, then I call Kirsty.
She answers and asks, “How did your classes go today?”
“Fine, but I’m a freaking idiot. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I’m sure I did. On multiple occasions. What specifically are we talking about?”
“I’m sending you a pic. Hang on.” I forward the pic to Kirsty. “Did you get it?”
“Wow. That’s stunning. Holy crap. Tell me this isn’t the one that got posted to Caleb’s account. You said it was Dimitri two dot oh. What the hell, Faith?”
“I fucked up with Caleb, bad.” Hic.
“Girl. You need to get off the phone with me and apologize to Caleb right now.”
My pulse scrambles. “I hope I’m not too late.”
“Me, too. Go get him.”
“That’s the plan.” Hic.
I knock on the door at Caleb’s condo. I swallow hard and pray I’ll find the words to make it right between us. Ty answers the door.
“Hey, is Caleb home?”
Ty’s expression remains neutral. I don’t blame him. I hurt two people he cares about. Caleb and Beau.
“It depends.”
“On what?”
His eyebrows narrow over his pretty green eyes. “Are you here to make it worse?”
I deserve that. I take a deep breath. Hic. Freaking hiccups! “No. I hope to make it right, if possible.”
His face clears and he smiles at me. “It’s about time.”
“Who’s at the door?”
The sound of Sinjin’s voice makes my hiccups worse. While I hold my breath, Ty says, “It’s Faith.”
Caleb steps into view. His face is tight with tension, and his hands are shoved into his pockets. We look like twins. He’s wearing sweats and a hoodie, too. Except his sleeves are cut off, exposing his magnificent arms.
“What’s up?”
Hic. Shit. “Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Of course.” No expression in his voice, and his face is blank, too. I did that to him. Me.
My body goes numb.
Ty says, “I’m off to work.”
I nod. I can’t speak around the lump in my throat.
Caleb runs a shaky hand through his hair, his biceps bulge with the movement, and I spot my hairband around his wrist. I treat him like shit, and he continues to wear a reminder of me on his body. Guilt makes me dizzy.
“Sit.” He gestures toward the leather couch. “Talk.”
He chooses to sit across from me on a matching sofa. The industrial metal coffee table separates us. He fiddles with the band. I hear it snap against his skin. I flinch.
I need to get the words out. “I’m sorry, Caleb. I let Dana use me as a way to hurt you. I believe you wanted to show me how you see me.”
He crosses his arms in front of him. “What changed?”
“Everest made me see what Beau’s tried to get me to realize for months. When I first met Beau, he compared me to Sophia Loren. Her early starlet years in Hollywood.”
“Sounds like Beau. You do resemble her.” His tone remains polite. Distant.
“You understood the reference right away. Me? Not so much. I’ll struggle, deny, and make excuses against the tiniest belief I may be pretty.”
“You’re rare and exotic—better than pretty.” His tone warms. “A gorgeous Italian girl with a body meant to be worshipped like a goddess.”
“Thank you.” My breathing evens out. “I let events in my past color my self-image. First with kids at school and then with my mom. I allowed their words to form a negative opinion. Words have the power to wound you, if you let them. When I saw the pic posted to social media—I lost my shit. Logic be damned. I felt betrayed.”
Caleb shakes his head. “By snapping the photo, I exposed you, and I can’t take it back.”
“Don’t—” Hic.
“What?”
I’m racked with guilt. “Caleb, I kicked you in the teeth while you were down.” Hic. “I never told you about Dana. Can you ever forgive me?” Hic.
He shakes his head. “Timing sucked all around, Faith. Dana is the queen of deception and manipulation. I should have anticipated her trying to break us up. But I didn’t. I wanted to forget her and what she and Dad did to our family.”
“I should have said something. I planned to talk to you. But I forgot. And then—”
“I know. And I’m sorry I didn’t delete the pic when you asked. My finger would hover over the trash can, but after what happened at Dad’s wake it felt like I’d be cutting you out of my life. I wasn’t ready to do that without talking to you. But she uploaded it before I had the chance.”
“I blamed you when you weren’t at fault. I lashed out at you. I let her mess with my head.”
Sinjin joins me on the couch. Hope unfurls inside me.
“No, you were distressed and embarrassed. Given your history, I understand your reaction.” He takes my hand in his. “That pic was supposed to stay between us. I can’t tell you how sorry I am it didn’t. I also owe you an apology for my remarks about oral sex. I was pissed at Dana and it showed.”
Relief spreads through my body relaxing muscles in my neck that have been stretched tight for a week. I squeeze his fingers.
He takes a deep breath. “When you go down on someone, it’s personal.” He runs his free hand through his hair. “You use your mouth. You can get laid without kissing. For me, something you do with your mouth makes it more important. Does that make sense?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about what happened with Dimitri. It’s not the same. Dana had an agenda. If you think about it, so did Dimitri. I’m sorry what I said to Dana upset you—that wasn’t my intent.”
I press my lips against his cheek. “Caleb, I’m sorry for shutting you out. I wish I could take it back. The way I handled the situation was awful. I hid from everyone.”
He wraps his arms around me. “I shut you out first.”
“I couldn’t see beyond the fact my pic got posted to KickBack. Again. That day at your aunt’s house, I told Dana she couldn’t hurt me worse. I was wrong. She found the one thing I’d find unforgivable and used it against me. She knew I’d blame you.” I wipe my face on my sleeve. “Will you ever forgive me?”
He kisses my forehead. “I didn’t forgive Dad. He fucked up, but so did I. I’ve learned from my mistakes.” He leans back and lifts my chin to stare into my eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Our lips meet, and the pieces that were fractured in me ever since Dana messed with us stitch together to make me whole again.
Eight months later “The Imperial March” plays on my phone while I wait outside the stadium for Sinjin. Chloe. I swipe to accept the call. “What’s up?”
“You should greet all callers civilly, Faith.”
I roll my eyes. “You call yourself a teen guru? Know your audience. That was me being civil.”
She sighs. “Let me remind you, I’m no longer a guru—thanks to you.”
“Chloe.” I snicker. “You’re playing revisionist history again. You are responsible for Teen Beauty dumping you. And if you don’t stop bitching about me, I’ll hang up.”
“Don’t gloat.”
“Uh-huh. How are you feeling?”
“Fine, except the only foods that stop the nausea are filled with carbs.”
I feel a pang for her. “Hey, I’m sorry about your nausea. Carbs aren’t the enemy. Are you keeping up with your OB appointments?”
Our relationship has changed. After witnessing what Caleb went through, I decided to forge a connection with my mother. I agreed to contribute to her self-help book but the focus changed from her original proposal. I provide a rebuttal or alternate perspective to issues dealing with body dysmorphia, cyberbullying and self-acceptance. And if I’m completely honest with myself, it’s been fun.
“I had an ultrasound. I know the sex of the child, and thought I’d share the news with you. But you’re hostile as per usual and I should hang up.”
Despite her claims, I’ve lost the hostility. Dr. Boyd helped me understand how to process my former relationship with my mother, how to unpack those years and get perspective to move forward. But I always stand my ground. Oddly enough, it works for us. “Don’t be dramatic. Is it a boy or a girl?”
Please let it be a boy. Chloe isn’t due until Christmas, when I’ll travel to New York for the birth of my sibling. I hope we can find a way to be civil around each other in person.
“A boy. Though, I don’t know what to do with one.”
“Yes!” I pump my fist. He’s going to have the best big sister ever. “Fantastic news. Hey, Caleb is on his way out of the stadium. Gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.”
When he reaches me I lean in, give him a sniff. Sinjin is ripe. “Phew. How did practice go?”
“Okay. Coach kicked our asses today.”
Even though he’s drenched in sweat and smells worse than a closed-up gym locker, I press my lips to his. “Well, you certainly smell like it.” I whisper in his ear, “I’m still thinking about last night. When can we do that again?”
I summoned a lot of courage last night. While he was in the shower, I tied myself to his bed, wearing nothing but a blindfold and a little perfume. Waiting for the water to turn off was pure torture. The minutes before I felt him join me on the bed were endless. Ultimate trust.
He could have taken an album of pictures, but he didn’t because he’s Prince Charming, and that kind of behavior would tarnish his crown.
His eyes darken and he kisses me. His wicked, clever tongue touches mine. My stomach floats like a balloon on a string.
“As soon as I shower off this stink.”
“What about Iguana’s?”
“Ms. Lacerna. I have a different meal in mind.”
My eyes nearly cross. “Okay. I’ll tell Beau, Ty, and Gabe to eat without us, but to bring us a five-pound doggie bag.”
“Perfect.”
And it is. We walk toward Caleb’s car in the lot. We’ll begin our sophomore year in a few weeks.
Dana transferred out of Fortis before the start of second semester. Her academic troubles started in econ when she failed to do the work on a group project worth thirty percent of the semester grade. The fellow members of her study group complained to the professor asking she be removed from their team. Rumor has it Everest had a few admirers in that same econ class.
Regardless, she’s out of our lives.
Caleb’s mom began dating a real estate developer she met at the opening of Bodacious, another shop she designed on The Row. Caleb has become quite obnoxious when it comes to his mom’s social life, and I’m having a blast sitting back and watching the fireworks between the two. I love teasing him for it.
Charlene and I remain friends. We still spar verbally, but she’s made inroads into being less awkward and a proper friend. We’ll room with each other sophomore year in a dorm that has private bathrooms. She and Everest have gone into a holding pattern, not quite dating and not quite apart. Time will tell with those two.
I like the person I’ve become here. I’m not the same girl who hid in the periphery and tried not to draw attention. My body and face don’t define me. It’s not my complete story. There’s more to who I am than my bra size, how my jeans fit, or what I do in the privacy of my bedroom.
I’ve learned a real bond grows when two people open their hearts and minds to each other. It’s forged by friendship, mutual respect, and attraction. It’s the sum total of highs and lows, laughter and unity, bad breath and body odor.
Sticking together through the good times is easy. It takes courage to own your mistakes, and to forgive each other for screw-ups. Being there for each other on bad days, weeks, and months demonstrates the true meaning of connection.
Caleb and I have that.
And that’s all that matters.
The End.
About the Author:
C.R. Grissom lives in San Jose, California—smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley. She works for a high-tech company by day, and at night writes contemporary sports romance featuring young adults as they transition to college. Winner of the 2018 RWA Golden Heart Award in young adult romance for her first manuscript: Mouthful.
Visit her website at crgrissombooks.com