Chapter 41

As soon as I got home I ran up to my room and began to scribble onto the post and stick them to my wall. I was trying to decide on an order when I realised I could do it by appearance in the bible. I quickly rushed rummaging through all the drawers in my room. I knew I had a bible somewhere in here. All though I really didn't believe in god at least once a year or so we would have a big assembly about religion and would usually be given a small pocket bible. I never usually bothered with them and either threw them away on the way home or tossed them in a drawer somewhere to never be seen again. I dug it out of the depths of one of my random crap draws and began to search for each passage so I could arrange them in order. About half way through this process I realised this wasn't going to be the best option as I had no clue without having to go back to each verse what they were saying. I then decided I would search for each passage and then group them in terms of subject. One section for fallen angels or the fall of the morning star. One section for passages about sins and the devil or snake and the final section for passages about the end of the world and then a final section for miscellaneous quotes father thompson had scrawled all over the walls. As I was looking over my newly organised notes I found a school book that I had never used and in big black letters on the front I wrote theories. I was stunned when i heard my mum behind me

“ wow you have been busy i'm glad you're using post its though be careful not to leave any marks on the wall.”

I quickly replied trying to sound as convincing as possible

“Yeah its a summer project for R.E as im not massively fond i thought i would get it done and out the way”

My mum laughed

“Well atleast then you can do more enjoyable tasks i suppose”

She left my room after collecting my washing from the last few days. I had been in such a rush I hadn't even realised she was home. Once my door was shut again I began looking over everything a second time and reading the passages over and over trying to make sense of everything. From what I could tell for some reason the nightmare I kept having seemed to relate to the fall of the morning star and I was in their perspective in the dream. What all of this meant for me I was unsure, I decided I would google dream meanings on my phone. I quickly found a site that explained the feeling of falling in a dream could be attributed to a feeling of lack of control. This seemed to make sense. I mean my entire life had basically been flipped upside down and the fact that whenever I was with either Abbey or Emily I couldn't resist them. I also looked for being bound. This again seemed to represent a lack of control in life or even feeling trapped with choices that needed to be made. Although I wasn't into all this type of thing, they both seemed to make sense. I was clearly emotionally trapped between Emily and Abbey and the lack of control was due to the fact that I was now living a double life that I couldn't seem to reign in. or at least that's what I convinced myself, however there was still this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that couldn't be explained. I had never really read the bible yet somehow in my dream i had spoken almost the exact words of Isaiah 24 aside from being said from my perspective rather than that of someone else. This feeling just wouldn't leave me alone and I spent hours trying to figure it out when there came a soft knock on my door. I immediately snapped out of the trance-like state I seemed to have entered. It was my mum and she had brought my tea up on a tray. I sat on my bed almost blank minded as she set up my desk table and placed the food along with a drink and cutlery on the table

“I did call you a couple of times but I just assumed you were busy with this project, everything ok ?”

As I looked over at her I couldn't even begin to formulate words. How could i tell her that i was having dreams that i was the morning star vans had been cast from heaven without sounding crazy or that i was currently seeing 2 different girls and was also running drugs just to try and seem like i was cool. I knew she would fly off the handle especially as before dad had left he would often cheat on my mum. I didn't want to seem crazy or like I was becoming like my dad. I was truly trapped. After a while I ate my tea still trying to figure everything out when I decided a walk would help clear the cobwebs and provide some clarity. It would also give me an excuse to go have a smoke. I spoke softly as i said to my mum

“I'm gonna go for a walk this whole R.E project has given me a headache and i need some fresh air”

“Okay sweetie but it's 8:30 and don't forget you have to be back by 10”

I silently acknowledged as I walked out the front door and headed to the abandoned garages.