Chapter 12: Why me? Part 2

Freya’s P.O.V

Julian’s eyes momentarily went sideways and I saw the blue orbs widen with horror. It was already too late when I remembered that I was no longer wearing my make-up and the bruise from yesterday was now a dark blue-black in color. I hadn't wanted to scare him with it, but I also couldn’t keep wearing makeup all the time.

But upon seeing the bruise, Julian’s sniffles turned into wails as fat drops of tears rolled down his cheeks and he began to wipe at his eyes while his other hand pointed to the bruise.

I had never felt as helpless in my life as I watched him cry like he had never done before. “It’s okay, Julian. I’ll be fine. It’s just a little black, that’s all. I’m going to be okay in a few days!”

“I’m sorry.”Julian wailed, managing to mutter out the words in between his sobs. “I’m sorry.”

“Why? You don’t have to be sorry for anything!” I told him, wiping away the tears. “Are you hungry? Was the dinner not filling?”

“No…” His sobs quietened a little bit so I could hear him more clearly. “I’m sorry…”

“What happened, Julian?” Suddenly, I got this feeling that he might have done something that he was hesitating to tell me about. “Did something happen at school?”

“Y-yes.” He stuttered out, still wiping at his eyes. “I used it all.”

“Used it? What did you-” At first I was confused as to what he might me saying, but then his words start to register and dread settled in my stomach. “You used all the money I gave you?”

Unable to talk, Julian just nodded his head…and my legs slipped from under me, causing me to fall on the floor.

I don’t know what to feel as I just sat there, staring at the wall as Julian’s sniffles grew louder.

He spent it all? The whole of the five dollars that I gave him? He used the entire money?

“I-I’m s-sorry…”

“Go back to your room.” I told him, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Big si-”

“Back to your room!” This time, my temper got the best of me as I snapped at Julian.

Startled, he looked at me with wide eyes, but didn’t say a word as he followed my orders and went back inside the room.

Getting up from the floor, I shut his door, but didn’t lock it. It was already late at night, and I highly doubted our father would be returning. He should be safe.

Shutting out all the lights except the little lamp in the hallway so Julian didn’t get scared if he wanted to go to the bathroom, I ran up the stairs and into my room, before collapsing on the bed. Holding the pillow over my face, I screamed my frustration into it, as loud as I could. The sound was muffled by the pillow and for the thousandth time, I worried that Julian would have heard me. But even then, I couldn’t stop the broken sobs that escaped my lips; the tears that fell from my eyes.

I couldn’t do this! I couldn’t fucking do this anymore!

Balling my hands into fists, I hit the pillow with as much force could repeatedly, as my sobs grew louder and my tears came faster.

Why? WHY?

Why was I stuck doing this all alone? Why couldn’t I have had a father that was present? Why did I have to be responsible for a five year old child?

I was seventeen for fuck’s sake! I couldn’t do this anymore! I was tired, exhausted!

Why doesn’t my fucker of a father just kill me? Let him just end me if he can’t stand to look at me anymore! I want it all to end! I just wanted it all to bloody end!

My heart broke again as my rational side took over. If I died, what would happen to Julian? If he gets sent to foster care…would he get a good family?

I could still do it, report to the authorities that my father had abandoned us and that I needed help. Then Julian could get adopted and have a nice home and I could go one with my life…or just end it all.

But even as that thought crossed my mind, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t call authorities because I couldn’t lose Julian. Yes, I was the most selfish person in the world, as I didn’t want to let go of Julian, but it was all because I had raised him since the day my mother died, not as a big sister but as my mother would have. I had made sure to buy him toys, give him treats, even if it meant that I would have to starve for a day.

Most of all, I had promised my mother that no matter what happens, I would take care of Julian and never let him miss his mother for even a day.

“I can do this…” I spoke through my quietened sobs. “I can do this.”

Wiping my eyes with whatever strength I had left, I turned so I was lying on the bed and faced the ceiling. Taking deep breaths, I calmed myself down so I could let my mind drift away to sleep.

I had upset Julian too, I knew that, but I didn’t have any strength left to go and comfort him right now. Tomorrow, I promised. I’d fix it all tomorrow.