Lilith
I ate, but didn’t want to drag myself to my desk where I could get the schoolwork done on my laptop. I had to much going on in my head. I didn’t want to think about the fact I could be having a baby in 9 months. Was it even 9 months, I had no idea how shifter pregnancies worked. How did I not know I couldn’t shift while I was pregnant? Roxie was pregnant, and I had not made the connection. I remember her telling me she couldn’t come to morning running because of the pregnancy.
She told me that shifters didn’t shift when they were pregnant. I should have remembered. I felt like an idiot. That is just how unprepared for a pregnancy I was. I knew nothing about it. Roxie told me things, but me being a fool and not thinking it would happen to me anytime soon had let it go in one ear and out the other. What the hell did I know about raising children. I had one parental figure, who turned out to be a psychopath. What the fuck did I know.
Before all this happened, I had the thought maybe in the next year I would stop taking the shot and this would happen. I would have learned about what all when into shifter births. I would have time to think about it and want to have a kid. I had not even finished school; I was still 18 for fucks sake. At least Roxie was in her early 20’s. I thought about Juliet and that she said I would be pregnant and reliant on others. I don’t know why I thought about that. What the fuck, was happening with me?
I wanted this; I did. Now I was upset over it. It had to be related to Bowie taking me. It had to be, why else would I be so upset about this idea. How was Kali even going to handle not shifting that long. She would probably force a shift and then the baby would miscarry. Then again, she seemed, at the moment to just be stuck in the back of my mind mopping so maybe not. I doubted that would last for months though. Maybe two tops if that. Uggh, I couldn’t even think about that right now. I just needed to focus on controlling my temper. I felt like shit for lashing out.
I knew it was wrong, but I just felt agitated. It wasn’t even the pain causing it. I could live with pain. Rob made sure of that. I thought about Rob. I knew he was horrible, but I also knew that he like Eric was looking for me. With Bowie leaving him, which he admitted to, I knew Rob knew I was taken. Rob was smart and he knew that if Bowie left him then he had me. Who knows maybe him and Bowie were in a battle right now. Bowie maybe thought Rob had found me instead of Eric and Noel. The feeling made my stomach upset.
It didn’t make any sense. Why would I be upset if they killed each other? Bowie had abused me, and Rob groomed me. A failure on both their parts, but with Rob. I don’t know. I felt some kind of compassion for him. What the hell was wrong with me? I tried to fight the tears that were building in my eyes. I had the urge to reach out to Rob. I hated him, but I still cared for him. I know it was sick, but he had been so much a part of my life. I found myself wanting to just talk to him and tell him everything.
I didn’t look at Eric who now had his food and was eating. I could talk to him, but I didn’t want to. He loved me and I loved him, but I couldn’t talk about having a kid with him. Not yet. Why did I think I could talk to Rob about it was beyond my compression. Kali spoke “Because despite him being a fucking disgusting piece of shit, he is your dad. He was solid for us for so long and you miss that, no matter how fucked up it is.” I responded to my wolf “So, you are talking to me again?” She didn’t respond, go fucking figure. I felt her sinking back into the recesses of my mind. Bitch, I called her.
I looked at Eric who seemed to be in just as deep thought as I was. I wondered what he was thinking about? Probably about what a bitch I am. Not wanting to talk to him. About how I look like a zombie. Both of us finished our food and there was an uncomfortable silence. Both of us were leaving things unsaid. “I should let you get your schoolwork done.” Eric said and I nodded. I knew I had no desire to work but I knew I should. He stood to leave and as he grabbed my plate and went to the door I panicked. The fear of being alone gripped me. “Eric.” He turned and looked at me.
“Can I um work in your office? I won’t bother you; I swear.” I spoke. God, I sounded pathetic. Here I was telling Kali to buck up and I was scared of being alone. “Yeah, why don’t you wait here, I can take the dishes down and come back up. I will help carry your laptop, so it is not so hard to walk.” I felt embarrassed. He thought I couldn’t do anything. As he stared leaving with the dishes again anxiety gripped me. “I can come with you to bring the dishes down.” I said trying my hardest not to sound as pathetic as I feel. “Lilith, I got it, you need to rest, at least for a few days.” He tried to leave again.
I couldn’t take it; I got up from my chair and walked pain burning my body, but I didn’t want to be alone. He gave me a funny look. Was this how it was going to be now, I would never want my alone time again? Was I always going to be so desperate that I had to follow him around because I didn’t want to be alone? Eric didn’t comment at all, and I got settled in his office my laptop propped on a pillow as I wrote while lying on his couch. I sat there staring off into space for a good long while.
I finally got a grip of myself and started on school. I felt relived realizing that even though I was a blood bag for someone I had not lost any of my brains. I still was able to do school. That is promising considering I had gotten my head smacked around several times. I still knew how to think. In fact, school seemed to be a perfect distraction. I didn’t look at Eric once, time stopped mattering. It was just me and my schoolwork. When Eric came and tapped my shoulder I jumped, looking at him.
“Lilith are you done?” I scrunched my brows. Eric said, “It is like 9pm.” What? I had been here that long. I looked at the window and it was dark outside. Where had the day gone? “Lilith, so are you hungry or want to watch a movie or something?” I looked back at my computer. I just wanted to stay here and work. I shook my head. “No, I am good right here.” I spoke. “Lilith you have to eat something.” He spoke. “Well can something be brought to me; I am comfortable here.” I said and he nodded. My eyes went back to the laptop. I began to focus back on the work. I didn’t notice anything else, until Eric said something.
He had food with him. Did he leave to go get it? I thought maybe the other people in the house would be bringing the food. I sat my laptop down and started eating. This was good, BBQ sandwiches with potato salad, coleslaw, Coke, and a brownie. I wondered how my laptop had not died yet. I looked at it and saw it was plugged into a charging cord. I turned to Eric who was eating. “How did it get a charging cord plugged into my laptop?” I asked and he stopped eating to give me a look.
It was a look of what the hell are you talking about. “I plugged it in for you.” he said. How did I not know it was going to die? “You don’t remember me doing that?” Eric asked and I just shook my head. “Well, I did.” I gave him a half smile. “Thank you, for that and the food.” He nodded and said, “Your welcome.” We ate and I went back to the laptop. I knew I was hyper focused but was that a bad thing? I mean it is a better alternative than over thinking everything.
I seriously had considered reaching out to Rob. That would be the opposite of healthy. School work that seemed like a reasonable thing to do. Something that was pushing me forward. Eric said suddenly “Lilith do you want to go to bed?” Again, I was confused. “It is past midnight.” What the hell was happening. I was losing time. This could not be normal, could it? But did it matter, this made sense to me. When I had things to focus on, I didn’t have to think about anything but what I was supposed to learning. “Lilith you need sleep, it is good for healing.” He spoke.
“No, I am not tired.” I then turned back to the laptop and continued to read. I had a test after this chapter, and I wanted to be prepared for it. Eric started to stop by and give me food. I don’t know at what point but I was focused. I didn’t know how much time was passing, I didn’t even know when I was getting food. Suddenly my laptop was snatched from me. “Hey give that back” I yelled. It was Eric. “No, you have been here for three days and not left the couch.” I stared at him. Had it been that long? Did it matter? I was content. “So?” I spoke.
“Lilith this is not healthy, for fucks sake you haven’t even gone to the bathroom in days that is not healthy.” A fair point, I guess. But still I was so close to being done at this point. Shit when that happened what the hell was, I supposed to do? “You have to do something other than school. One of them is go to the doctors.” I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want to go there. “Eric, I will do something besides school, okay, but I am not going to see the doctor.” I told him.
He didn’t respond as he took my laptop with him out of the room. The fear of being alone swarmed me again and I rushed after him. I watched as he locked up my laptop, despite me telling him not to. He then scooped me up. “You are going to go to sleep now, being up for three days is insanity.” He said to me, and I just glared at him. “Tomorrow, you are going to see the doctor, if I have to drag you I will.” I hissed back at him, “I would like to see you fucking try.” He grinned at me. “Go to sleep love.” He kissed my forehead and got into bed behind me. His hands wrapping around me and pulling me to him so I couldn’t leave the bed. I wanted to fight him but instead my body crashed, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.