Chapter 46

*Ryker*

I listened as Deacon talked but the world was spinning around me. I had downed more of that whiskey bottle, and the last one, than he knew. Way more than I was willing to admit to. “Ill drive.” I said, grabbing my keys, knowing inside that I shouldn’t do that. That was the good thing about Deacon. He worked for me, yes, but he also knew how to stand up to me. Not a lot of people did that. He was one of the very few that was permitted to do so. I shook my head when he reached for my keys. “I want her to know that it is me coming for her.” I said in a drunken stupor. I sounded like an idiot. Emotional and irrational. I didn’t know what real love looked like, not loving a woman like this. I believe I have loved before. I thought I loved Ivy at one point. I know I love Deacon, like family. This love was messy, hard, and could destroy me in an instant. It made me open, raw, and vulnerable. Deacon was looking at me differently. I don’t think he was losing respect for me; I think he was just concerned, but the boss in me wanted to make sure. “I am still Ryker fucking Lorcane.” I said as we walked towards the car. He chuckled a bit, looking back at me, “I know that boss.” He said smiling at me. I would have been offended but I realized he was walking, and I was more stumbling. I shouldn’t be taken seriously right now. I chuckled a bit myself feeling a touch lighter knowing I was going back for her. I shouldn’t have left. I just wanted to set her free from the disaster and destruction that is my life.

We got into the car and my stomach started to roll. I hadn’t been this drunk in some time. I asked Deacon to swing through a coffee shop and grab me something with bread, and a large black coffee. He nodded and pulled off to a Tim Horton’s nearby. He ordered me two blueberry muffins, and a large coffee. When he reached them back to me, he laughed again. “What now?” I asked curious to what was funny about muffins and coffee. “I haven’t seen you this drunk in an exceedingly long time. Since we use to go to party together. Deac and Lorcane takes the city 2.0 tonight sir.” I laughed. The closer we got to Ayden’s clinic, the more nervous I felt. I wasn’t sure how she would feel about my coming back after I basically abandoned her there. I deleted my number from her phone. I took her safety net away and left. As soon as I reached my house, I grabbed the bottle of whiskey. I drank and drank, hoping to feel numb. The numbness never came. I just felt pain. Not just emotionally, the pain was so bad, it was physical. When Deacon came in, I could tell her was mad at me for leaving her there. I could tell he was against my decision to begin with when we were leaving the hospital. He never says anything. He lets me do what I want. He may make a comment or two, but he never gets loud with me. He was upset. He opened my eyes, and if this woman decides to forgive me, which I don’t blame her if she doesn’t, I will have so much to thank him for.

When we pulled up outside of the building, I didn’t know what to expect. Deacon had mentioned another man there to comfort her. Who could that be? Adam? Stephen? Those guys haven’t seen her in weeks. I haven’t even seen her speak to them. Maybe she had, and I just didn’t know. We walked towards the door, and I heard laughter. She didn’t sound distressed at all, she was happy. Laughing and talking with the man Deacon spoke of. “Are you serious?” I said getting angry, instantly jealous. Deacon placed his hand on my shoulder, stepping in front of me. “I know you are drunk, and I know you are a jealous person, but you do not get to be mad here. You left her here, remember? She is laughing with someone who didn’t.” His words burned through me, but I knew he was telling me the truth. I know he wouldn’t say something just to hurt me. He was telling me not to go in there acting like an asshole. When we turned the corner, I saw the back of the man who sat on the bed holding what should be a hand in mine. She jumped slightly when we walked in, holding herself and flinching from pain. “Ryker?” Her mention of my name sounded like she wasn’t sure she was actually seeing me. I took a deep breath before forcing myself to look at her. The guilt and jealousy made each step into the room harder. “Who is this?” I asked quietly. My words were meant to be curious, but even I could feel the sting in the air after they left my lips. The man stood up and turned towards Deacon and me. Deacon suddenly seemed to recognize him. “Theo, right?” he said, reaching out his hand to shake that of the undercover cops. This was the man who kept her safe, mostly. The one who told us how to find her. I had so much gratitude for this man but found myself wanting to cut his whole hand from his wrist. I nodded at him, walking around him dismissing him completely. “Hello Iris, how are you feeling?” I asked reaching for her hand. She wouldn’t give me her hand, just looked at me. “Let’s give them a minute?” Deacon said talking to Theo. The cop hesitated, turning to look at Iris. “Are you okay with that beautiful?” I know I was glaring at him by this point. This alcohol was about to push me over an edge that I already was teetering on. I wanted to rip his whole body in half now. He had some muscle, but he wasn’t huge. He was a baby. Looked like a street kid turned police. Iris didn’t speak, still staring directly at me, she only nodded at Theo.

After they left the room, I reached for her hand again. Still, she would not give it to me. “Iris, I am so sorry.” I said feeling myself getting emotional. “I just want you to be safe. I have taken what you had worked hard for like school, peace, and safety and ripped it completely from you. This is all because of me. I should have left you alone. Admired you from afar.” She tilted her head some before opening her mouth to speak. I tried so hard to pay attention but couldn’t stop myself from watching the way her lips moved. “You left me. You left me here, shot, and in a hospital bed. You left me here unprotected. You left me here alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now Lorcane. Go home!” She got louder with each word. “You know Iris, I just wanted to protect you!” I said also raising my voice some. It was harder to control my emotions with this damn whiskey running through my veins so thick. “Protect me from what? How are you protecting me by leaving me here alone? You deleted your number! I laid here and thought about it. I thought about the path I would take to get back to your house. To tell you that you can’t leave me. I don’t want to go back to school right now. I don’t want to pass the classroom that I sat in while I imagined you spanking me. I don’t want to watch as Deacon sits across the road spying on me. I don’t want to live in a world where you aren’t here to keep me safe. YOU LEFT ME.” She was so upset, and it burned so deeply inside me. To think that I cause this raw painful emotion to pour from her beautiful innocent lips. Those same lips I just wanted to taste again. “I was protecting you from me. I am nothing but a tornado, I blow around destroying everything I touch. I don’t want to destroy you.” I said reaching for her cheek. She hesitated but eventually leaned into my hand. I wanted to tell her that I loved her. That I wanted to take her home with me and keep her there forever. I wanted to tell her that she was mine, that I always wanted her to be mine. “Iris I…” I started to speak but she stopped me. “Why do people here call you Lorcane?”