Chapter 35

*RYKER*

Reading the letter gutted me. I knew I was wrong for asking Deacon to investigate her, I knew she would be angry. I had to, I had to know what happened, where her nightmares were coming from. Deacon didn't look at me while I read the note, having come to the house to check on me. I got hurt, not angry, but really I understood. If I was a good man I wouldn't try to contact her again. I would allow her to return to school without thinking of me again. How was I going to do that? Could I do that? Part of me wanted to. I wanted her to be a normal college student whose professor had not walked in and took over her life. I wanted her to forget about me, but I was selfish. I wanted to keep her for myself. I wanted her to be mine. I wanted to bury myself in her. In recent days she has become like medication for me. SHe took away my worries, and stress. Her body took away my pain. I am not a good man, I am a selfish one. I looked up at Deacon, my face hot, and my eyes teary. "I know boss, I know she means more to you than you let on." He said walking over and patting my shoulder. Walking to the bar, he pours me a bourbon, and sits it on my table. "A bit early for a drink, isn't it?" I said looking at the glass. "You need one, Ryk." Deacon was sad. He was showing me pity. This slightly made me angry, though I knew it was because he cared. I felt a need to show my strength. "If this is what she wants, fuck it." I said standing up and walking the letter to the fireplace. I hesitated a moment, but eventually threw it in and watched it burn. "Ryk.." Deacon started to speak again, but I put my hand up to stop him. "I can't keep chasing someone who doesn't want to be here. Look at what I have put her through in such a short time, D. I don't blame her for running away." I said, shaking my head and walking back to the table. "I have to set her free." I said downing the drink on the table. I looked up at Deacon trying to search my mind for ways to change the subject. "What should we do today?" I said pathetically grasping for something other than her. "Well, I need to chase after any leads on Ivy. You need to think about your decision with Iris." He said not backing down. "Deacon, I said.." This time he put his hand up, "Respectfully Brother, I have seen you with many women. I have seen you in clubs, with different subs, even with Ivy. I have never seen you react to someone like you do her. She calms the beast inside you. She literally balances your darkness with her own. She is not someone you just say "fuck it" and forget. You know I am on your side, always, but boss, you can't just let her disappear." He turned and walked towards the door. I didn't know what to reply with. He was right. No one has stirred me inside like Iris has. I just nodded and told him to tell me if he learned anything about why Ivy was calling me.

After Deacon left, I sat there, staring at the fire I foolishly threw the letter into. What if I don't see her again? What if she never scribbles a note down for me again? I took in a deep breath and watched as the wood started turning to ash. It was pathetic how I felt, after a short time, for this woman, Wasn't it? I leaned back, enjoying the heat from the fire, and closed my eyes. Flashes from before the nightmare went through my mind. Her skin, the taste of it, the feel of it under my fingertips. The way she gasped when I slammed inside of her. The look of trust in her eyes when I took her to bed. How I betrayed her trust after she had fallen asleep. I am so fucking stupid. I should have waited until she was ready to talk to me about the nightmare. That's my father coming out of me. The man who thinks he is in control of everything and everyone around him. All the times he has destroyed my trust, my life, with his antics and I turn around and do the same thing. I threw my glass into the fire. I wanted to call him and scream at him. Tell him how worthless he is. How he destroyed my ability to have real relationships. He destroyed my ability to be normal, or to love. My anger was growing inside of me like a burning fire in my stomach. I walked to the bar, grabbed another glass of bourbon. I pulled out my phone, looking at her number, trying to convince myself not to call. I need to give her some time. I need to wait, give her some time to miss me, right? I sat the phone down on the bar. I wanted to throw it into the fire as well. It rang, and I picked it up quickly. "She took a cab. She left, heading in the direction of the school. Skinnle hasn't seen her on campus yet. He is willing to send his lady to her dorm to check on her, if you want him to?" I thought about it, but decided instead to let her have some time. He told me his leads for Ivy had fallen flat. I already felt defeated. "I will find her. This is all her fault." I didn't know why I was blaming her. Some of it was her fault, but my looking into Iris behind her back, that was not. "I know Ryk." Deacon said before hanging up. I didn't want him to hang up. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.

Finally, I decided to take a walk around the grounds. Inside the gate of course, so the security does not lose their minds. I couldn't sit inside this god forsaken house anymore. I threw on some clothes, a sweater, and some joggers. I couldn't muster the energy for anything impressive. I grabbed some earbuds for music, to drown out the world. After putting on some sneakers, I headed out the door. I walked down the stairs and headed around the back of the house. There was a pool, and some patio furniture, and some benches out there. I hadn't been in that pool in a long time. There was a hot tub back in the inside patio as well. It was closed in a heated room for the colder months. I didnt even think to take her out here to enjoy it. There was a hiking path behind the house, connected to my property line. I decided to head down that path. It wasn't very long, being in the city, but it was mostly quiet back in there. I turned on some soft rock and started to jog. I thought using the energy, forcing it, would burn off some of the negativity. I pushed harder and harder until I ran out of breath. I stopped, grabbing a tree to hold myself up. Something on the tree pierced my hand, it stung,  and started to bleed some. I am cursed. I have to be. I swiped my hand against my pants and realized I had cut myself on the bark. I was still breathing heavily. I was running so hard, trying to out run how I was feeling. It didn't work. I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. *What the fuck is wrong with you, Ryker?* I dont have these emotions, these feelings. I started to get nauseous. I was going to vomit all over the ground. I bent over holding on to the tree that had made me bleed. I started to gag, everything spinning around me. I looked behind me, cautious of my vulnerable state. After yacking on the ground, I wiped my mouth with my sleeve, and sat down against the tree, away from what I had left on the ground. I pulled out my phone again looking at the last picture she snapped of us together. *I think I am in love with her* I leaned my head back against the tree. Breathing as steadily as I could, trying to calm down. I laid my phone on my lap and looked up to the clouds. I felt a vibration in my lap.

The phone screen read Babygirl, with the little flower she showed me how to make on the screen. She called me. My heart was pounding, and I couldn't breathe again. I had to take some deep long breaths before I could answer. I couldn't wait to hear her voice. I picked it up and brought it to my ear. All I could hear was giggles. "Hello Daddy." It was Ivy.