Chapter 31: Chapter Thirty

His blood still stained my hands, and I didn’t know how to cry. They had taken him away and I could hear the anguish and pain from the others as we all mourned him. What did I miss the last time we spoke? I had no clue that he was suicidal or even thinking about it.

Sloan always smiled even though he didn’t talk much, he had begun to open up to all of us. I stood up and walked into his room. His laptop was open, and I looked at his Facebook messenger. It was open on a message, and I looked at the picture of our house.

‘Found you Sloan.’

I didn’t know who it was, but I could only guess that it was his father. On a sheet of music paper Sloan had written his last message and it settled deep into my soul as I read it. “Behind the brightest smile hides the strongest demons of pain.”

I cried then. Sloan was dead, he had chosen to die rather than risk his father finding him. He had been so haunted by his own demons that he couldn’t take the leap of faith to trust us with it. It hurt knowing that he had felt so alone and helpless, and it struck me that Sloan had been struggling with this for a long time.

The days following Sloan’s death were hard. The house was quiet, and we were all withdrawn, Alexander looked terrible, and he blamed himself for failing Sloan, failing to notice, failing to save him. We all felt it, the empty chair at the dining table, the couch nobody sat on because it was Sloan’s favorite spot, the music room nobody opened, it was difficult to breathe in that house.

“What are you doing, Kage?” Alexander asked when he finally found me in the downstairs study.

“Research,” I said and looked at the desk where I sat. Papers littered the surface and my cup of coffee had long since grown cold. My plate of food stood untouched, and Alexander shook his head as he walked toward me and sat down.

“Research for what?”

“He killed Sloan,” I said and clenched my jaw when Alexander closed his eyes.

“Kage …”

“He killed him through fear. Sloan was scared shitless even before he sent him the picture of our house with that message! He told me his father was getting out of prison. I should have realized … I should have paid closer attention to him.”

My shoulders slumped and I buried my face in my hands. I’d never cried so much in my life and Sloan’s void was like a hole in my chest, one that would never heal.

“Look at me, Kage. This wasn’t your fault. Sloan chose to give in to his fear. Yes, I’m sad. I’m fucking angry too. He was my son, and he was your brother, and we will all miss him, but going down this road will only lead you into devastation,” Alexander said.

Sloan’s funeral was kept private although Madison invited herself. She had hugged everyone, and I could see how hurt she was, just like all of us. She had been part of his life too, had laughed with him and sat with him at his piano as he played.

When she looked at me, I avoided her gaze and kept myself at a distance. I wasn’t ready to face her, not yet. I couldn’t deal with Madison now, not when I’d just lost my brother. It was too hard, and I could feel myself slipping.

It was a solemn affair, and I couldn’t watch as they lowered his coffin into the ground, it felt so final, to put him underground. I hadn’t spoken to Madison since that night even though she kept trying. I avoided her at the gravesite, and I walked away as the rest of them stood watching the grave.

“Kage!” Madison said loudly from behind me.

“What?” I asked her.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“Just leave me alone, Madison,” I said.

I walked past her car not really knowing where I was going when I heard her start her car and then I was flung forward on my hands and knees as she hit me with her car. I stood up and glared at her as she climbed out of her car.

“What the fuck?” I said angrily.

“Stop ignoring me!” she said anger evident in her voice.

“So, you hit me with your car because I don’t want to talk?” I asked her, wiping the small rocks and sand from my hands.

“What else am I supposed to do?” she asked me.

I shook my head. I had no answers for her. The only thing I did know was that I couldn’t do this with her. She’d invaded my privacy, ripped my soul open in a matter of minutes and she never even realized what it was doing to me.

“I’m sorry, okay. I didn’t know about your mother. I didn’t know what had happened to you,” she said as tears gathered in her eyes.

“You should’ve asked me! Instead, you drove all the way to Minnesota without warning me! Do you have any idea how I felt when I saw her again?” I asked angrily.

“And I’d do anything I could to take it back. Kage, please, don’t shut me out again,” she said.

“It’s too late, Madison. Everything’s different now, you’re going to Berkeley and I’m not. It’s better to call it quits now, go our separate ways and forget about each other,” I said to her.

“How am I supposed to forget you? I love you, Kage,” she said.

“I’m too damaged to love, don’t you see that! Stop wasting your time!” I yelled.

“Kage,” she said sadly as I walked past her and this time, she let me go.

Madison stopped calling and texting after our altercation at the cemetery. I felt conflicted about it, and I didn’t know why. Everything was still too raw and the mental setback I suffered in terms of my psychological progress was terrible.

My doctor put me on antidepressants, and I didn’t go to school except to write my final exams and I skipped graduation as well. Castiel was our valedictorian, but I couldn’t sit there and listen to his speech about the future when Sloan should’ve been sitting right next to me.