**ROSEANA**
As usual, Ric was already waiting for us when we went out of his club. I followed Macy when she got into the car. There was silence inside the car; the only thing that could be heard was the faint hum of Ric's car and the noise of other cars.
I am too tired to think, let alone open my mouth to speak. There is a heavy weight on my feelings. I feel like I have a fever. I rub my neck, checking if my skin is hot—an indication that I have a fever—but it's not. My temperature is normal.
I closed my eyes. The ride from the club to the apartment where I am staying is about half an hour, and it may take longer due to traffic, so I just decided to rest. I woke up with Macy shaking me slightly in the backseat. I felt her lightly tap my cheeks together with her gentle voice.
"Roseana, wake up. We are here,” she muttered in a hushed tone. "Just continue sleeping in your room."
My eyes, heavy with remnants of dreams, open reluctantly, revealing a soft gaze struggling against the pull of drowsiness. I am fighting the urge to continue my disturbed sleep. The lines of sleep linger on my face, with my lips caught between a yawn and a smile.
I opened my eyes, blinked them several times, and with my hazy vision, I saw Macy leaning over; half of her body was inside the car.
If Damon was here, I'm sure he wouldn't wake me up. He will carry me to our room and carefully lay me on the soft bed. He will tuck me into bed, change my clothes into comfortable pajamas, and then cuddle me.
He might seem rough and scary to others, yet he has this soft side that I am thankful to see and experience. His sharp, penetrating eyes see to dissect the world around him. His eyes can bring you chaos whenever he rests his gaze on you. It's a stare that pierces through the mundane, revealing a sharpness that could unravel secrets and command respect in equal measure. His sculpted jawline hints at chiseled determination. His every movement is calculated, and an air of danger hangs about him like an ominous shadow. That is how people see him. But they don't know that behind that mysterious façade of his lies a man who wants to be babied.
I miss him. I miss him today. I miss him every day. He was like a virus that entered my system without warning, despite all the walls I built around me. He managed to tear down that wall. And when he did, I could barely function without him. Even if I force myself to forget him and urge myself not to think about him, my stupid mind keeps on wondering about him. I know what I am feeling. I'm aware of this feeling, even though it's the first time I've felt it. Yet I am scared. I am scared to be left alone.
The times I spend with him are just borrowed. I am just a woman passing time in his arms. The time will come when I will have to let him go. Even against my will, I had to let him go because he was not mine to keep in the first place.
This situation is painful, draining the hell out of me.
I didn't realize my tears were falling. My roaming brain just returned to the present when I saw Macy stunned while staring at me. Confusion can be seen in her eyes.
I dried my tears. I inhaled sharply and tried to smile.
"Nightmare," I simply muttered. My voice came out hoarse.
It looks like I got Macy to believe my lame excuse, so I'm relieved.
"Rest, you two." It was Ric. He was standing in front of us. One of his hands was in his pocket, while the other was fiddling with his car keys. "And I want to apologize for what that old man did to you, Roseana."
I smiled weakly at him. It's not his fault, but why is he constantly apologizing to me?
I shook my head. "It's not your fault, Ric," I answered. I took a step forward and patted his arm, an action telling him to cheer up.
He laughed because of what I did.
When Ric left, I was about to enter the apartment building when I spotted a black car parked not far from where I was standing. I'm not sure if I was right in thinking that the driver was watching me. The car was tinted, so I couldn't see who was inside.
I can feel the cold stare of whoever is inside the car at me. It gave me goosebumps all over my body. My sleepiness completely disappeared, and my body became alert to my surroundings.
"Oh, why are you rushing?" Macy asked me when she saw me catching my breath. I'm sweating like I'm running a marathon. I ran up the two floors of the apartment building to quickly get away from the eyes that I felt were watching me.
“N-Nothing.”
I went straight into the bathroom. I didn't even give Macy a chance to ask. I know that she will only question me. I don't know how to answer her. Should I tell her? But I'm not sure of what I saw. It couldn't be Cedrick. I certainly would have been in that car a long time ago if it were him. He won't let me out of his sight anymore, so he will take me immediately.
Who's that person? Am I just overthinking?
I looked bitterly at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is a little messy because I fell asleep in the car earlier.
What am I going to do with my life? No matter how many times I force myself to believe that I am safe, I know deep inside that fear is lurking in my heart. I am still a slave to fear. I escaped from Cedrick, but I am still caged by the trauma and pain he and my stepmother inflicted on me.
I could deny it many times, but I cannot change the fact that people are running after me. I couldn't live a normal, happy life, could I? Do I even have the right to be happy? Maybe Cedrick and Aunt Armana were right. I have no right to be happy. I killed a person. I brought someone's precious life to an end, so maybe, just maybe, the Lord is punishing me.
I am running away. This is all I can do. This is the only thing I am capable of. This is the only way I know to escape that hellish place.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I cannot see the Roseana that I used to be. My eyes don't sparkle anymore. It became lifeless and hollow. I wonder what they can see when they look into my eyes. I wonder what Damon sees when he stares at my eyes. Is it the innocent Roseana that I let him believe, or is it the broken one that I shield so much for them not to see?
I untied my hair. My eyes stayed on my reflection in the mirror. My lifeless eyes watched as my hair blew out of my face. I looked like a woman losing her sanity. I looked like a mess.
I took off my clothes. I am left with nothing but my birthday suit. I traced the faint scar on my side with my fingers. I run my fingers from my back up to my lower abdomen. It was so faint that anyone could barely notice it unless they scrutinized my skin keenly.
It's been a few years since I got this scar, but it still wouldn't fade. It creeps onto my skin like a nightmare.
I jolted from my thoughts when I heard a knock on the bathroom door. "Roseana, I'm going to sleep. Hurry up and clean your body so that you can rest," said Macy.
I took a deep breath.
I wonder when I will get the rest she is referring to. I am so tired. But this tiredness cannot be removed just by sleeping.
I want to rest.