Chapter 13

As the saying goes, repentance is late. After my 'date' with Aldrin, Jared didn't feel like it. I didn't receive even a single text or call from him. Well, that was what I've expected. Did I drive him away? Fortunately, they didn't notice mommy because they were still busy. I badly want to call him to apologize but I know it's unethical to just ask for his forgiveness through phone. I don't even know if he will answer my call, e. I can go to their house but I'm ashamed. I do not know! I'm cowardly. Damn. I thought after the date, my confusion will disappear but it seems like the situation is getting worse now. Add to that that I have a guilty conscience. I regret avoiding him. I regret pushing him away. I am a coward. I can't face how I feel. If only I'm brave enough to face my own feelings. But you can't blame me. The speed, e. One day, I just woke up that I was falling for him. Who wouldn't panic, right? So, the whole weekend, I was busy rehearsing what I would say to Jared when we talked. I need to talk to him personally. It's okay, maybe we don't talk first so I can prepare well for that day. I will apologize. That's all. I don't want to talk about how I feel first. I'm not sure yet. I'm not yet ready. I haven't quite accepted that I'm losing the game. Monday came and my hands were extremely trembling as I headed to school. I went with Daphne and made some excuses to my parents why Jared couldn't pick me up. I don't want them to know we fought. I feel like they're on Jared's side and I'm afraid I'll realize I'm really wrong. Thank you so much and Daph is not asking. When he spoke, I knew I would be struck by every word that came out of his mouth. After parking our car I absolutely got out and left Daphne. I needed to find Jared now. If I continue this problem until the afternoon, I might be able to drop all the activities in today's subjects. I almost toured the entire campus again to find him. My last prospect where he was was in the parking lot. I just hope he doesn't have a class yet. I don't want to excuse him just in case. I really don't know his schedule. I didn't care to ask him as he memorized me very well. And I was right. He was in the parking lot with the twins. They were laughing at something. My chest tightened. Here I am, almost unable to smile because of what I have done and he, just wanting to, laugh at the ridiculous. Well, I deserve this. I just have to be like this. Karma is really a bitch. I took one step closer to him but that was not followed. Instead, I hid in one of the cars but I was close enough to hear their voices. I'm shaking. I couldn't lift my foot for another step. It would be embarrassing if in the middle of their laughter I showed up and then their fun was ruined. I don't know how attached they are with each other but I feel, they know what happened to us. They might all be mad at me. Because friends are like that. Whether it is a group of men or women, when one is aggrieved, they will sympathize with the friend, whether he is right or wrong. But I want to apologize! I hurt him and if I get embarrassed in front of him now, we won't quit. If Jared really gave up, if he was okay with our situation, I wouldn't. Even if I just do it for myself. To calm me down. It's hard when you don't do something you think you should do. I took a deep breath. I brought out my phone and dialed Jared's number. I just want to test how he would react. From where I was standing I heard his phone ring. He took it out of his pocket while still laughing. I could clearly see how his happy face was replaced by seriousness until his expression turned dark. My chest tightened at his reaction. He was just staring at his phone blankly with no signs of answering it. The twins noticed his reaction so they also peeked at his phone. They both whistled. "Aren't you going to answer it?" Si Trevor. "What do you think?" Jared replied. Damn. "Woah! What's this, dude? Are you giving up? Moving on?" Travis, on the other hand. My chest was pounding too hard. It's like … it's like I don't want to know his answer. He's really serious! I tried to step back once but my body won't cooperate to my mind. It was as if it had a mind of its own. Thinking I don't want to. "Tss …" Jared replied. I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm not yet ready to hear his answer. Did he already gave up? Even now that I have a weird feeling for her. But I also don't like how I feel. Maybe he'd better stop. The twins clapped then tapped Jared's shoulders. "It'll be fine, dude. Wanna cut class? Come to the club. It'll help you move on," Jared sighed. He threw his keys on the air and caught it as well. "Let's go," "Welcome back to your old self, bro!" Trevor exclaimed. "Ooh. Girls, here we are …" I watched their cars go away. As it got smaller and smaller in my eyes, my chest got tighter and tighter. He's back to his old self. A lone tear escaped from my eyes. I wiped it immediately and looked up to avoid shedding tears more. Am I seriously weeping because of a man ?! This is not me. Chapter 13 part 2 If he really did give up, then fine. It was like that for the two of us while our feelings were not getting worse. I'll just ignore whatever I'm feeling for him. It's just nothing. Maybe I'm just wondering. Aldrin is probably still what I want. The next days felt like it's winter. It was cold. He is cold. Very cold. When I meet him in the corridors he doesn't even look at me. With his chin up, impassive eyes darted straightly on his way, hands on the pocket of his jeans, he'd pass the students who's giving so much attention to him. Like your typical badboys seen on television, he's so cool. Especially to me. It breaks my heart seeing him turning like that. "Ate," Daphne called one time when we're heading to school. I turned to him. "You know I'm not the pakielamera type but, what happened to you and brother Jared?" She finally asked. It hasn't helped me that his face is full of emotion. My sister's face is always void of any emotion. She rarely puts a cup of emotion on her face. Seeing her expression right now told me that my situation is really alarming. For days, people around me kept asking 'what happened' but all they got from me was a shrug. Jared's admirers were almost jumping at the news. Some pitied me, some bashed me. The rest of you, I'm surrounded. I didn't like talking about it even with Brent. I feel like I'll just break down and let my braveness be flushed away when I started talking about it. I sighed heavily. Maybe I could talk to my sister without breaking down. It's still good if someone hears your feelings, right? In the first place, he is the type of person who will not judge you no matter what you do. "We fought. I pushed him away." She didn't speak for a second. I was just more nervous. "But he likes you." I looked at him. I didn't expect that those three words would come out of her mouth. "How did you say so?" I managed to ask. She shrugged. "I just know." I rolled my eyes. How can this be explained? She's as cold as Jared. "Don't you think you're falling for him?" I fell silent. "It won't be right." "Why?" "Just. I don't know." He was the one to sigh. "Why don't you tell him about how you feel before it's too late?" "There's no point in telling him, Daph. This is what I want. I don't want to go deeper. It's better if he'll find someone else." She shook her head. "If you say so," Chapter 13 part 3 A week after our encounter, there are rumors that they see Jared and your twin in high-end bars, restaurants and sometimes, in various branches of La Sirene, with women. I know I don't have the right to get hurt because I drove him away but damn it, it sucks. I haven't even actually seen your gossip yet but I'm already crushed, what if I actually saw it? Hopefully not. But isn't this what I want? Is he looking for someone else to like? Will he stay away from me? Because I'm scared. Because I'm a coward. Brent and I were busy eating our snacks in the canteen one time. Yes. It's no longer hidden because Jared has no one to sue. Groups near us were talking about me and Jared like I cannot hear them. It was as if they were saying that I was disgusted, that Jared's friends would be nice now. Whatever. Say all you want. Think all you want. You will also get tired. Because I, my brain is tired of thinking and repeatedly evaluating if I did the right thing. "It was nice when you dated Jared last night!" "Was that the one he went to school with earlier?" "Tangek, no! That's Sapphire!" Brent eyed me. I only shrugged. What if he already has another woman, right? That's what he used to do before we dated. Maybe while we were dating, she was still a woman and it's not like I should be angry because of that. We were just asked to fucking date. This is Brent's role to me these past weeks. It was like we're only talking through our minds and I'm so thankful he's not nosy. If I was in my right mind I would give him 5 stars because his matured side is coming out. He didn't comment about us nor he didn't ask. He's weighing things carefully. I ended up restraining Brent from scratching the faces of those people when they heard it again. One day, I was heading to the library to do my homework because we were vacant and I would rather study in a quiet place than in our room full of the noise of my blocmates. I sighed when I realized it was hot and I wasn't carrying an umbrella. Your library is on the other side. If I went through the field I would be able to speed up in case the heat is really hot and my skin is sensitive to the sun. I sighed again and decided to walk through the pathways. It's better to walk farther than to burn my skin. When I passed through the cafeteria, I heard someone laughing somewhere. I shrugged that off at first. Maybe some students who took a cutting class. But as I approached the secluded part of campus, in the woods, the laughter of the men and the giggles of the women grew louder. I don't know what came into my mind but instead of ignoring it, my feet carried me to the source of that noise. I just winced when I realized I was too much on camera. I was about to turn back when I heard familiar voices. "Woah!" My eyes widened when I realized Jared's group was there. They were with … girls. I hid behind a tree. I want to leave but my body doesn't want to be with me. It was as if he was looking for something to hurt her. "Cariza, baby, come here," Travis said playfully. Your woman approached him and sat on the seated Travis. The next thing I knew, they were kissing shamelessly in front of their friends. Trevor was next. He went to the girl sitting next to Jared. It pulled him upright and I just realized they left there and went to a farther part of the woods. Gosh. Then there's Jared left. My heart was eratically beating. I wanted to walk away but my feet cannot afford to even take a single step. I don't want to see him doing what Travis is doing more so, what Trevor's doing wherever he is right now with that girl. "More beer?" The girl asked sweetly to Jared. Jared unconditionally took it from the woman's hand and drank it. The girl chuckled. My eyes widened as the woman's hand traveled from Jared's chest down there. "Loosen up, man. Look at your friends," She pointed at Travis who's now on top of the girl who's now lying on the bench. Seriously? Why can't I move my foot? What the fuck ?! "I can pleasure you like that, too." The girl winked. I silently asked Jared to not do it. No, no. I kept saying on my mind. I know I'm being selfish but not when I was seeing them. And then I found myself shedding tears when the girl sat on Jared's lap and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. And the ass held her waist- That's the last thing I saw before my feet finally cooperated. I ran as fast as I could. Instead of going to the library, I locked myself in one of the cubicles in the restroom. I cried and cried like someone just died. I'm tired of pretending I'm cool with what's going on. I was tired of being deaf in front of so many people. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay because I'm not really. At least to myself I will be honest because I only have myself now. Yes, I am stupid. Yes, I will. So I stayed there for like an hour just crying. When I see someone outside I slow down my crying. I just wanted to cry these all and assure myself that this would be the last time that I would feel miserable. I still can't believe that I cried this hard for a man who do not have dignity. I realized that I wasn't the only one at fault. He doesn't know how to understand so what's the point of regretting? If he can be happy after what happened, so can I. So after that intense crying which felt like forever, I stood up and got my ass out of the cubicle. Luckily, there was no one else in the cr after I came out because upon seeing my reflection on the mirror, I realized that I'm such a mess. I washed, put lipstick on my face and whatnot. I think it took me about two hours in the cr just to fix myself especially and my eyes were puffy. I wish, I came out, I was fine, back to your former Thalia who had almost actually fallen into the trap of an Arevalo. It's time for me to be happy again. To be normal again. I went back to my class like nothing happened. Fortunately we were vacant earlier so I have nothing to worry about. Brent asked me where I went and I just answered him that I just went out to clear my mind. He never asked again. Chapter 13 part 4 For the rest of the week, I spent my time doing my school requirements. As in I am very focused on learning. Daphne will be really proud of me. Another week passed and men started to show their interest for me again. I don't know if I'll be happy or what. I'm really not interested. I should have just hired boyfriend material since Ja and I stopped paying attention- so I can keep quiet. But maybe this is a milestone for me. Or should I just push my feelings for Aldrin again even though I'm excited. Whatever. One time Brent and I were eating quietly again in the canteen, I was reading a textbook while eating, he was busy stalking his new crush when we heard a shout from the other table. We ignored that. Maybe like before that about me or maybe typical bullying by the bartender. The noise but what could I expect at this place right now? I wish I had just told Brent that we ate on the benches. I just stopped reading vividly with someone standing by our side. I frowned at the man in front of us. She was carrying a bouquet of flowers. Oh no. Don't tell me … "Hi!" Bati niya. Those behind us shouted at him. Maybe they were his friends. That's why it was so noisy … Because of the noise of his group, everyone was staring at us. Brent kicked me under the table. This is another person. I am betrayed by all who are interested in me. He didn't even say that I knew he was just concerned with my 'lovelife' but I can really manage. I could be happy without a man in my life. He widened his eyes at me. It was like he's telling me to fix me because I've been rude to my admirers lately. It's for their own good too. I don't want to expect them to repeat what happened to Ivan. I rolled my eyes at him and turned to my new 'admirer'. "Hello. What can I do for you?" I said abruptly. I raised my brow at him and showed him my most masochist look. Brent kicked me again but I ignored him. I really try to be nice but whenever I remember what Ivan did to me, I get insulted by all men. Your man scratched his neck. I think it scared me. "Uh, can I introduce myself to you?" My forehead furrowed. What is this? Firstday of class then introduce yourself? He has the looks but is just shy. Honey. Turns off. "Okay." I said in a very uninterested tone. "I'm Lander Lozano. 2nd year BS Engineering. I've been watching you from a far for so long. Perhaps, can I ask you out … for a friendly date?" Oh. He has the guts. Those at the other table shouted again. Suddenly I was dumbfounded. For days, my admirers were just contented on giving me gifts. He was the only one who despised to ask me out. Brent kicked me again. My thoughts were interrupted and I turned to him irritably. The pain of his kicks ha! Is he planning to be a horse ?! "What ?!" I asked Brent. "Mare, get organized. This is your chance. You agree." He said while gritting his teeth so as not to notice that he was seducing me. My brows shot up. I accidentally looked at Jared's table. My breathing hitched when I saw him staring at me. He clenched his jaw when our eyes met. His gaze was too dark. Well, I guess Brent's right. This is the opportunity to be happy again. I turned to Lander again. "Sure. Just tell me when and where." I said, smiling. Her eyes widened but she recovered quickly. "Thanks. But I should know your contact number. Just in case …" My brow arched. Just now it was as if he was going to faint from twitter and now he is going to ask for a number directly? Tss. "Oh. Give me your phone then," I offered my hand. He blushed. "Huh?" "You're asking for my number, right? Then I'll put it in your contacts." His face turned even redder. He was badly trembling as he handed his phone to me. I was shocked to put my number there. "Here. Just text me," I said. "Thanks, Thalia. By the way, for you," He gave me the flowers. I happily accepted it. I stood up and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks." He stiffened. Screams filled the whole place. I saw on my peripheral view how Jared walked out.