Chapter 9 Chapter Nine
Vanessa POV
I barely made it into the classroom before my knees gave out on me. I collapsed into the nearest chair which thankfully was my best seat in this classroom– somewhere in the middle that allowed me to listen and blend in.
I wasn't sure I would do much listening today though, the plastic seat biting into the back of my thighs as I exhaled letting out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding since I’d left Danny standing outside the academic building.
My bag slid off my shoulder and hit the floor with a dull thud, papers shifting inside, but I didn’t reach for it.
My heart was still racing.
I wasn’t panicked, I’d learned to master my emotion after years of academic pressure and there had been worse things than being gossiped about by Danny’s fans.
This felt far worse and quite more disorienting. It felt like my chest was too small for all the emotions trying to claw their way through my ribs.
I pressed my palms flat against my thighs and stared at the whiteboard at the front of the lecture hall, though nothing had been written on it yet I just stared at it hoping that I could at least calm my heart rate enough to focus when the lecturer arrived.
I shouldn't be this affected by him,it was just a fluke even though my brain didn't seem to understand that.
Danny’s voice echoed in my head, a simple question.
Is it?
I squeezed my eyes shut for half a second.
No. No, it wasn’t real.
It couldn’t be real ever again. Everything between Danny and I was an arrangement, a simple means to an end.
I had agreed to it because it made sense and because pretending to date him offered protection from his teammates,especially Marco as I would be working close to them for my project.
He was a safe buffer between me and the hockey world, I had spent years avoiding, so it did not mean anything else.
And yet.
My skin still remembered the heat of his hand at my back as we walked across campus even with the millimeters between us.
The way he had stopped— actually stopped—when those girls had laughed at me, his voice had gone sharp, because he’d taken their words personally.
I hadn’t asked him to do that and so I hadn’t stopped thinking about it. I dragged in another breath and forced my focus forward as students began filtering in around her.
The room filled with the usual sounds—chairs scraping, backpacks unzipping, low murmurs of conversation. Normalcy pressing in, insistent and grounding.
I welcomed it.
A familiar shadow fell over me as a weight dropped into the seat beside me.
I stiffened.
I didn’t need to look to know who it was. I knew Bean the way I knew my own heartbeat— the subtle shift in air that always accompanied my best friend like a joyful buzz of energy.
Benedicta had a way of entering spaces like she belonged there, like the world had already made room for her whether it liked to or not.
In fact there was something odd about her today. She was quiet, that's another thing that never happened with Bean.
She was never quiet.
This time, though, I didn’t say anything.
I kept my eyes forward, every nerve ending suddenly on edge. Bean’s silence stretched, thick and heavy, crawling under my skin.
I could feel her staring at me, her gaze burning intently into my skin like she could peel it off with her eyes if she got the chance.
I swallowed, adjusting my notebook and kept twisting my pen between my fingers or shifting in my seat.
Anything to avoid turning my head but Bean said nothing.
The lecturer hadn’t arrived yet, but the room was nearly full now. Laughter bubbled from a few rows back.
Someone dropped a phone and I cracked.
“What?” I muttered under my breath, finally turning.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Bean didn’t blink as I hissed
“You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend.”
The words were quiet, controlled, and sharp enough to cut. My stomach dropped, I should have expected that, the news was on all the streets so definitely my best friend would have heard about it.
I stared at Bean for a long second, my mind scrambling to catch up, and rearrange itself around that word.
Boyfriend.
The word felt too heavy, and were definitely not true
“I don’t—” I began, then stopped.
Because denying it outright would be a lie, at least in the way people understood things.
Bean’s lips pressed together.
“Wow. I can't believe it's that hard to tell your best friend that you're dating” she mumbled softly
“I know I tease you a lot about being single but I didn't think it would stop us from sharing things” I huffed sullenly
I sighed leaning back in my chair, rubbing a hand over my face.
“It’s not—”
“You let me walk around campus like an idiot,” Bean interrupted, still keeping her voice low,
“while people were congratulating me on your relationship.”
My head snapped up.
“What?”
Bean let out a short, incredulous laugh.
“Oh, so that part’s news to you?”
My chest tightened.
“Bean, I swear, I didn’t—”
“Relax,” Bean said quickly, glancing toward the front of the room as a few students shuffled closer.
“I’m not yelling at you. I’m just… stunned.” she whispered and I dropped my gaze to my hands.
“I didn’t keep it from you on purpose.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
Because I didn’t know how to explain that I was fake dating my ex who I broke up with three years ago while he was helping me with my dissertation. It sounded like a very bad reddit story.
That and the fact that the line between pretending and something else was already blurrier than I wanted to admit.
I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Bean watched me closely, something unreadable passing through her eyes.
“You know,” Bean continued softly,
“I’ve known you since we were sixteen,you don’t forget to tell me things like this.”
I swallowed.
“I didn’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s not the same thing.”
“I know.”
We both fell silent again as the lecturer walked in, setting his bag down on the desk and clearing his throat.
The room shifted, students straightening as the conversations faded.
Bean leaned closer, her voice barely audible now.
“You don’t get to disappear on me.”
I flinched.
“I’m not disappearing,” I whispered back.
“I’m just… figuring things out.”
Bean’s gaze softened slightly, but the tension didn’t leave her shoulders.
“With him?”
I leaned over slightly, keeping my voice low.
“Can we not do this here?”
Bean studied my face for a moment, then nodded once.
“Fine.”
Relief loosened something in my chest, that would at least give me some time to think of what to say without Bean hovering over my head. The lecturer began speaking, his voice filling the room as he launched into the day’s topic.
I forced herself to open my notebook, to write—anything—so I didn’t look as much of a truant as I felt but my pen hovered uselessly over the page.
Bean tilted my chin toward the front of the room.
“We’ll talk once the lecturer is gone.” she mumbled and I deflated.
There was definitely no escaping that conversation.