Chapter 38 The confession
The words hung in the air between us. Simple. Direct. Utterly unexpected.
"I'm sorry," I said. "For being away. The past few days, my monthly flow arrived, and I was feeling homesick, and I received a letter from my brother and..."
"You don't have to explain."
"I want to. You did something kind for me. I don't want you to think I didn't appreciate it."
"I didn't think that."
"Then what did you think?"
He was quiet for a moment. "I thought you might not come back to my chambers. I thought I had driven you away again."
"You didn't drive me away. I was just..." I struggled for the word. "Tired. Overwhelmed. Missing home."
"Did the flower help?"
"It helped. It helped a lot." I stepped closer. "Thank you, Cardan. Truly."
He nodded. The silence stretched between us, but it was not the cold silence of our early marriage. It was something warmer. Something fragile.
"I should let you sleep," he said. "You're still recovering."
"I'm fine."
"You're not fine. You've been in pain for two days."
"You knew about that?"
"My servants talk to your servants. Word travels." He hesitated. "I wanted to come see you. But I didn't know if you'd want me there."
The admission caught me off guard. "You wanted to see me?"
"You're my wife. Of course I wanted to see you."
I didn't know what to say. The Nightbloom pulsed softly on the bedside table, its violet light casting shadows across Cardan's face. He looked vulnerable in a way I had never seen before. Unguarded. Uncertain.
"I'm glad you didn't come," I said finally. "Not because I didn't want to see you. Because I needed space. But I'm glad you wanted to."
"That's confusing."
"I can be confusing at times."
"I've noticed."
We both laughed, soft, tentative, surprised.
Then Cardan reached out.
His fingers brushed my wrist. Light. Barely a touch. But it sent a shiver through my entire body, a spark of something electric and terrifying and long-suppressed. I looked down at where his skin met mine. His hand was warm. His fingers were gentle.
"Nyx," he said quietly. "I know this isn't easy. I know I haven't made it easy. But I want to try. To be better. To be... whatever we're supposed to be."
"What are we supposed to be?"
"I don't know. But I'd like to find out."
I turned my hand over. Let my fingers lace through his. The touch was simple, but it felt monumental, the first real physical connection we had ever shared voluntarily.
"We'll find out," I said. "Together."
We stood there for a long moment, holding hands in the darkness, the Nightbloom pulsing softly beside us.
Then we went to bed. Separate sides. Separate pillows. But the space between us felt smaller tonight. Warmer. The cold sheets no longer felt like a chasm.
It was not a consummation. It was not a declaration of love. It was a beginning.
And sometimes, a beginning was enough.
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The morning of Sebastian's departure dawned gray and damp, a soft drizzle misting the palace gardens. I stood at the window of my private chambers, watching the rain streak down the glass, when Liriel appeared with a familiar figure behind her.
"Lord Valois to see you, Your Majesty."
Sebastian entered without waiting for permission. He was dressed for travel already, a heavy cloak of deep blue, boots polished but worn, his copper hair tied back from his face. He looked every inch the King he would one day become.
"Your Majesty." He bowed, but his hazel eyes were serious. None of their usual sparkle. "I was hoping for a private word before I left."
Liriel glanced at me. I nodded. She withdrew, closing the door softly behind her.
"You're leaving tomorrow," I said.
"This noon. The delegation is packed. The carriages are ready. My uncle is expecting me." He paused. "I shouldn't be here. I should be in my quarters, preparing for the journey. But I couldn't leave without seeing you."
"Sebastian..."
"Let me speak. Please. I've been rehearsing this speech for three days, and if I don't get it out now, I never will."
I closed my mouth.
He took a breath. "I came to Aurelia expecting to negotiate loans and sign trade agreements. I knew I was going to meet you. I was excited to meet you, the Princess of Hel. I didn't expect..." He stopped. Swallowed. "I didn't expect to fall in love."
The words hung in the air.
"I know it's inappropriate," he continued. "I know you're married. I know you're a queen. I know there's might be no possible future where this ends well. But I also know that I have never met anyone like you. And I am willing, more than willing, to wait for you. You're fierce and brilliant and terrifying in the best possible way. You make me laugh. You make me think. You make me want to be better than I am. From reports, I know your marriage with the King is only because of the treaty. Also unconsummated..."
"Sebastian..."
"I am not asking you to leave him or make a decision now. I'm not asking for anything except the chance to say it out loud, just once, so I don't spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I'd been brave enough." He met my eyes. "I love you, Nyx. Not the Queen of Aurelia. The Princess of Hel. You. The woman who threw me across a clearing with her shadows and then apologised for it. The woman who laughs at my jokes even when they're not funny. The woman who deserves so much more than a cold bed and a husband who doesn't see her. I see you."