Chapter 12 The vow of chastity
"Does your friend share your chambers? Does your friend know the taste of your..."
"Enough." He stood abruptly, his chair scraping against the marble floor. "You are speaking of things you don't understand."
"Then explain them to me."
We faced each other across the desk. The winter-storm scent of him filled the room. I could see the tension in his shoulders, the way his hands gripped the edge of the desk, the way that muscle beneath his left eye twitched and twitched.
"The Oath," he said finally. "The terms of the Oath. I didn't make them."
"I'm aware."
"No. You're not." He ran a hand through his bronze hair, disheveling it. "I was a child like you when my father signed that treaty. No one asked me what I wanted. No one explained the terms. I was told I would marry a princess from Hel someday, and that was all."
"And the vow of chastity?"
"I didn't know."
The words hit me like a physical blow.
"You didn't know?"
"My father never told me." His voice was flat now, exhausted. "He died before he could explain any of it. The full terms of the Oath were in documents I didn't have access to until after I was crowned. By then..." He trailed off.
"By then you already had Lady Freya."
He didn't deny it.
I stood very still. The shadows in the room had stopped moving. Even Ash, who had followed me from my chambers and was perched on a bookshelf, had gone unnaturally quiet.
"You didn't know," I repeated.
"I didn't know."
"And yet." My voice was barely a whisper. "And yet you assumed I did. You assumed I knew the terms. That I was following them willingly while you..." I couldn't finish.
Cardan's jaw tightened. "You do know, the terms of chastity are different for Fae females. It's customary for highborn women to remain untouched until marriage. I assumed..."
"You assumed I was following Fae customs?"
"Yes...."
"I am from Hel. We are not the same. Our men and women are free to do whatever they want and bed whoever they want."
He had the grace to look uncomfortable. "I understand that now."
"Do you? Do you understand that I have spent eighteen years turning away every male who looked at me? That I have been untouched because I believed it was my duty? Because I believed you were doing the same?"
Cardan said nothing.
"Eighteen years," I said. "And you couldn't even be bothered to find out the terms of your own betrothal."
"I made mistakes," he said quietly. "I won't deny that."
"Mistakes." I laughed, that cold, hollow sound that made courtiers flinch. "You call six years with another woman a mistake?"
"What would you have me call it?"
"I would have you call it what it is. Betrayal."
Cardan's expression hardened. The guilt in his eyes flickered, then guttered, replaced by something colder. Something defensive.
"Betrayal implies that we had something to betray in the first place."
The words landed like a slap.
"You're forgetting Princess, our engagement is political," he continued. "It has always been political. You know this. I know this. Whatever the oath is, it was made by dead kings who cared more about borders than about us." He stepped around the desk, closer to me. "You don't love me, Nyx. You don't even like me. So why does it matter who I spend my time with?"
"It matters because I kept my word."
"And I didn't. Is that what you need to hear? I didn't keep a vow I never knew I made. I am sorry for that. Truly. But I cannot undo the past."
"And Lady Freya?"
"Lady Freya is not your concern."
"She is if she remains at court. She is if you continue to parade her in front of me while I am supposed to be planning our wedding."
Cardan's eyes narrowed. "Are you jealous, Princess?"
The question was so absurd, so arrogant, that I almost laughed again.
"Jealous? Of a woman who has spent six years warming the bed of a male who couldn't be bothered to learn his own betrothal terms?" I stepped closer to him, close enough to see the flecks of gray in his silver eyes. "No, Your Majesty. I am not jealous. I am insulted. There is a difference."
"Then what do you want from me?"
"I want you to acknowledge that this marriage is a farce. That you have dishonored me before it even began. That your sister and your court and your cultural advisor have all been laughing at me behind my back while I played the dutiful bride."
Cardan's expression flickered. "Elowyn doesn't speak for me."
"She speaks for your court. And your court speaks for you."
"You don't understand our customs..."
"I don't care about your stupid customs." My shadows were rising now, curling around my shoulders like living things. "I care about being treated as an equal. I care about..."
"You care about your pride," Cardan cut in. "That's what this is about. Not me. Not Freya. Not our marriage. Your pride."
"And why shouldn't I care about my pride? It's the only thing I have left."
Silence.
We stood inches apart, breathing hard, the air between us electric with fury. I could see the pulse beating in his throat. I could smell cedar and winter and something sharper underneath,, anger, maybe. Or guilt. Or something else entirely.
"You are the Princess of Hel," he said quietly. "Daughter of the Shadow Throne. Heir to a realm of monsters and darkness. Why do you care what a few Fae courtiers think of you?"
"Because I am not a monster."
"I didn't say you were."
"You didn't have to." I stepped back. The shadows retreated with me. "You have made it very clear what you think of me, Cardan. I am the wicked princess from the dark realm. I am the bride you never wanted. I am the monster under the bed who has come to ruin your golden life."
"That's not..."
"But I am also the woman you are bound to. And I will not be made a fool. Not by your sister. Not by your mistress. And not by you."
I turned and walked toward the door.
"Nyx."
I stopped. Didn't turn.
"We should discuss the wedding," he said. His voice was strained, as if the words were being pulled from him against his will. "The preparations. Elowyn has been..."
"I will handle the wedding preparations."
"You don't know our customs."
"Then I will learn them." I glanced over my shoulder. "I am a very fast learner."
I left before he could respond.