Chapter 49 — Alone

I slipped into one of Henry’s t-shirts even though it was double my size, but I preferred his clothes. My tummy was slightly showing as I was over three months pregnant. I was lying on our bed where we both used to make love, where he used to cuddle me, where he used to caress my hair. I was missing all these things. Badly. Whenever I laid on this soft sheet I felt his touch, I smelled his cologne; I pretended like he was near me but when the truth hit me my whole body went numb. My mind didn’t work, my sights went blurry and I hardly could breathe without him.

I wished he wouldn’t have come into my life, I wouldn’t have married him, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. Then things would have been different. Maybe I would have been somewhere with someone, maybe I would have been with my ex-boyfriend, maybe I would have been with a man who had no enemies.

I traced my fingers over his empty place; the bed was king-sized, large enough for my small size. I was getting used to him even though our relationship wasn’t more than half a year, but it seemed like a decade.

“What? Why are you staring at me like this?”

“Why? Can’t I stare at my wife?”

“No. Of course, you can.” I held his hand. “But this time your stare is different, not intense.”

He sighed. “I’m just thinking about what would happen to me if you hadn’t come into my life. You fixed all my wounds, Alice. You lit my dark world. Now I have found a reason to live my life. I have someone I can grow older with. I have someone who I can’t live without.” He kissed my lips. “We are one person, Alice. All of you belong to me.”

“And you belong to me, Henry.” I hugged him tightly. “Never leave me alone. I would rather die than live without you.”

He lied to me; he had never loved me. If he had loved me, he wouldn’t have left me alone. I was the stupid who believed him I was everything to him; he told me I was the one he cared about most; I was the one he couldn’t live without.

Why didn’t he tell me how to live without him?

Why didn’t he tell me how to raise his child without him?

Why didn’t he tell me he would choose his revenge over his family?

You hurt me so much Henry, first; you hate me then love me then leave me.

I had my parents, Henry’s father, Joseph, Vivian, and Sarah, but the sad part was that I was still alone, I was still unsafe, and I still had nightmares.

I heard the soft knock on my door. “Alice Mr. Robinson, come here to see you.”

I didn’t want to see Henry’s father because he reminded me of him. I knew if I met with him, I would burst into tears, which I didn’t want to do. He was already suffering, and I didn’t want to make him sad with my tears. I wanted to be alone in this room where I could feel Henry. “Tell him I’m sleeping,” I said and pulled the covers over my body and closed my eyes.

Joseph didn’t reply because he knew me very well. He knew I wanted to be alone and didn’t want to meet anyone else, not even my parents. Whenever my parents came to see me, I refused them because they always saw me as a widow. Whenever Sarah came to see me, she saw me as a broken who was a miserable, helpless, and poor woman. Whenever Vivian came to see me, he saw me lost. He thought I had lost my sparkle. I had never refused him because I knew he was one of the most powerful men in the world; I knew he had enough power that he could find my husband. I believed him and was waiting for him when he would give me good news about Henry.

“Come on, Alice.”

“I love you, Alice.”

“Alice left him alone.”

“You betrayed me, Alice.”

“Alice!”

“I will beat you to death. I will break both of your legs and then your arms. I will rip out your throat until your blood fills my room. I won’t kill you, but you will beg me to kill you as Henry’s sister did twenty years ago.”

“You thought he would kill me. I never felt so low, Alice! How can you be so mean? You didn’t see my pain. You didn’t see how desperate I was to kill the person who killed my mom and sister. You hadn’t seen me? I hadn’t slept many nights just because my sister’s killer was alive. You should have talked to me, Alice. If you would have told me the truth, then I would think once to you. You betrayed me, Alice!”

“No! I never betrayed you, Henry.” I breathed out and sat up against the headboard. My heart was beating so fast from the adrenaline. My body was covered in sweat and I gripped the blanket, feeling my shuddering body. “Sorry, Henry, all this happened because of me…” I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat.

*****

I went downstairs. Joseph was in the living room reading the newspaper. “Good morning, Alice,” he said while glancing at me over his shoulder.

“Good morning, Joseph,” I replied with a faint smile and headed to the house’s backyard where I could inhale natural breath, hear the birds chirping, and see the pure blue sky. All I wanted was to be alone. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. Sometimes Joseph got upset with my behavior, but he needs to get used to it because I was not going to change my behavior.

Joseph stepped into the backyard and sat beside me and watched me, his eyes full of sadness. “You can’t be like this, Alice.”

“I’m always like this, Joseph,” I said with a sad smile.

“I’ve known Henry for twenty-three years. I still remember the day when he used to hide under the covers because he didn’t want to go to school. I know everything about him, his favorite toys, his favorite colors, and his favorite place. He was only six the first time he was grounded.” He smiled at those memories. “You won’t stop laughing when you know the reason he was grounded.”

I watched his face. “Why?”

“A girl his age stole his first kiss and he cut her hair.” He laughed, shaking his head.

My eyes widened as I watched him with amusement. “Poor girl,” I said and rested my gaze on my lap. “Joseph, do you think Henry…”

“He will come, Alice. I believe that.”

After a long time, a wide smile pulled to my lips. I quickly hugged him. "I know he'll come." I closed my eyes. "Thank you, Joseph."

"Don't give up your hopes, Alice."

"I will not…"

“So I’m not invited here?” a female voice said from behind. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Sarah. She was standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. “You can’t avoid me, Alice.”

“I’m not avoiding you. I just need to be alone,” I said.

"Excuse me." Joseph stood up and walked away.

Sarah approached me and took a seat next to me. “You have been alone the entire time, Alice.” She placed her hand on my shoulder. “How are you?” her voice was sad and her eyes were gloomy.

“Good, and you?”

She sighed. “Not well, as always. The company is suffering huge losses due to the absence of Henry and our shareholders are demanding their profit share. The market value of our company went down, I don’t know what to do. It is the first time that we are suffering from such huge losses.”

“Everything will be alright once Henry is back.”

She could not hide her shock. “Why don’t you accept the truth, Alice,” she growled.

“What truth, Sarah?”

What is the truth? My husband was dead.

He left me alone and I wouldn’t be able to see him again.

She stared at me, full of pity. “I-I think I should go.” I could see tears in her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall. “I’m tired, Alice. I can’t see you like this. I can’t see you like a stone. No feeling, no emotions. You know how much you hurt us whenever you talk like this, especially your parents. I feel sorry for them.” She bit into her lower lip. “They have only a daughter and now they have lost her, too.” she sprang up from the bench and stalked off my sight.

I tried not to cry and didn’t let my heart hurt thinking about my parents, but then tears gathered in my eyes. I sobbed quietly; I was so weak to face the truth. The truth was I really was hurting the people closest to my hurt. I hated to see myself like that but I couldn't pull myself through this.

"Alice…" Joseph sat beside me on the bench and wrapped his arm around my body and held me for a few seconds. He was doing the only thing he could to comfort me. He was like my brother. He was the only person who believed me, who had felt my pain, my hurt. He didn’t look broken. No matter how harshly I behaved towards him, he always stood with me.

“Vivian is here to see you, Alice.”

I immediately shook my head. “I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see anyone. I want to be alone,” I said and rushed towards my room.