Chapter 59: Complex Feelings

Hank didn’t answer immediately. He simply made eye contact. “Not everything you see is the truth, young man,” he said after a beat, “everyone has their own predicament. We have to eventually sacrifice something. After all, we’re just another human being.”

Zalen took in his words, mind reeling as he processed them.

“Did the young doctor say when she will wake?” Hank stirred the conversation back. “No. It’s uncertain,” he paused to study the man in front of him, as if weighing whether he would be able to take it before continuing, “it’s uncertain if she will wake.”

The words hung in the air, heavy and tense.

“Is there anything I can do?” Hank’s voice was steady, showing the charisma of a gang leader who had been making life and death decisions for decades. Zalen shook his head solemnly. “We wait. There’s nothing much we can do. It’s all up to her now.”

There’s a bitter feeling in his heart as he said those words. He was surprised by the change. He used to have nothing but suspicion towards that girl. The words were stuck in his throat. The thought of saying it out loud was almost unbearable. ‘It’s unlikely she’s even trying. We’ve lost her.’

“You must be close,” Hank observed. The statement caught him off guard. “Why would you say that?”

“You really care for her. I see genuine sadness,” the corners of his mouth stretched upwards but the sadness remained in his eyes. “I’m glad she’s made good friends that truly care for her.”

Zalen pushed himself off the wall. “I lost a sister years ago,” his eyes were dark, “to the knife of one of your men.” Their eyes met. There was raw pain and loss in his eyes, the emotions he deliberately removed from his tone.

“She would be her age now if she’s still alive.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Hank’s voice was quiet with grief. There was neither guilt nor satisfaction, yet the words were totally sincere.

He didn’t say anything more. He couldn’t. There’s nothing else to say and Zalen knew it. He wasn’t expecting anything when he told him. He didn’t give any response, neither did he accept it. He simply walked out of the room and closed the door with a quiet click. Then, the only sound left in the room was the turn of the key that kept the man in the room. He could leave if he wanted to. He wasn’t a gang leader for no reason. Despite his age, he could fight those guards off with ease. But he chose to stay. He stayed imprisoned voluntarily.

The fight has been going on for decades. It’s time to step down and give way to the younger generation. He’s done fighting.

That night, Nelly sat outside the clubhouse. Alone. Looking at the stars in the sky. The beautiful scenery was contrary to what she felt in her heart. She deliberately ignored the chill biting at her bones. ‘What’s becoming of me?’ She closed her eyes, feeling the goosebumps forming on her skin.

She had berated those men for not taking good care of themselves, thinking that these people were simply irresponsible. God gave them a healthy body and they were doing things to tear it down. Months in this place and even her resolve was falling. She started to understand the depth of emotions, and resonated with these people. Recent situations emphasized it even more – humans are complex. Not only structural-wise, but also from many different angles.

Something draped over her shoulders, enveloping her in warmth. She looked up to see Neil, carefully placing his leather jacket on her. She murmured her thanks before looking back up at the shining stars. Only then did she notice Neil standing awkwardly to the side. She scooped over to make space for him.

He was taken aback at first, but eventually took his seat. “Don’t you feel cold?” She gave him a once-over, taking in his form - how the T-shirt hugged his body and how his muscles bulged beneath the fabric. “Oh? Ah.. don’t worry about me,” Neil replied sheepishly, clearly uncomfortable with the interaction. He has been avoiding any chances of being alone with her since she came to town. Honestly, he didn’t know how to interact with her.

The awkwardness was evident. The elephant looked too huge, even in the open space. Nelly made an awkward laugh. “Probably not. Look at the muscles,” she tried poking his bicep playfully. The action, however, wasn’t really playful. It was cautious. Neil didn’t call her out. Probably didn’t notice it either due to his own nervousness.

He cleared his throat. “How are you settling in?” The question was almost ridiculous but he has busied himself with work outside the clubhouse ever since she officially came back as a doctor. He had deliberately avoided her.

She turned to have a better look at him. Her features softened. “Pretty well. Thanks, brother,” she beamed up at him.

That was a double kill. Neil felt tingly all over. He cleared his throat again, suddenly having too much flame. “I didn’t do much,” a pause. Then, he continued, a little more down to earth, “there’s nothing here. You must be disappointed.” He smiled deprecatingly at the end of the sentence.

“Oh, there’s everything here,” she chuckled. The tension in the air cleared a little. “I’ve grown a lot in these few months,” she added, looking at a point far away.

Neil grunted in response, didn’t know what to say. That didn’t stop her, though. “I’m glad,” a genuine smile, “I’m really lucky.”

It was Neil’s turn to look over. He studied her side profile as she beamed up at the sky. “Why do you say so?”

“I had a peaceful childhood. A loving mom and a good mentor,” she maintained her smile as their eyes met. Neil looked away quickly. He blinked at the ground. “I’m sorry I took that away,” he said suddenly.

Nelly put her hand gently on his shoulder, forcing him to look at her. “It’s not your fault,” she said firmly, right into his soul.