Chapter 11: Heartbreak

A sense of foreboding settled in my chest, but I nodded for her to continue.

"I am currently in a very precarious mental state," Irene said with a sigh. "My resources are enough to maintain myself in a viable state and periodically communicate with people other than my family."

I stopped breathing when she spoke that. I knew what was coming.

“I’m not really looking for a relationship right now,” she said, her gaze steady but apologetic. “I can't go into one, because the past one still weigh heavily on my heart. There’s… someone else I’ve been thinking about. I don’t want to lead you on or make promises I can’t keep. I just… If you're looking for a relationship with me, then don't. I'm for wine and walks, I can't give more.”

Her words landed like a punch to the gut. My heart sank so quickly it felt like it might never recover. I could feel the ache spreading through my chest, heavy and unbearable, as though something inside me had shattered. I had to grab my chest, almost instinctively, as if to stop my heart from breaking any further.

“Oh,” I managed, my voice barely above a whisper. The lump in my throat threatened to choke me, and I could feel tears burning at the corners of my eyes. But I swallowed hard, forcing a smile. “That’s okay. I mean, I’m not really looking for anything serious either. I just… I enjoy spending time with you.”

Irene’s smile was small, but genuine. “I’m glad you understand. I do enjoy being with you too. I just wanted to be upfront.”

She stood to refill her coffee, and as her back was turned, I excused myself quickly. “I’ll be right back,” I mumbled, heading for the bathroom before the tears could spill over.

The bathroom door closed behind me, and I leaned against it, letting out a shaky breath. My reflection in the mirror looked just as broken as I felt. My hands trembled as I turned on the shower, hoping the sound of the water would drown out my quiet sobs.

As the warm water ran over me, I let the tears flow freely, my chest heaving with the effort of holding it all in. My heart felt like it had been ripped apart, and my mind raced with questions I couldn’t answer. Did I do something wrong? Was I not enough? But the worst thought of all was the one I couldn’t shake: She has someone else.

Someone who wasn’t me. Someone better.

The pain was sharp and unrelenting, and for a moment, I let myself drown in it. My body shook with the force of my crying, my hands clutching at the tiled walls as if they could ground me.

When the water began to cool, I forced myself to pull it together. I couldn’t let Irene see me like this. Not when I’d just told her I was okay with the situation. Not when I’d made it seem like I could handle it.

But could I?

The thought lingered as I dried off and dressed. My heart was still aching, still screaming for something it couldn’t have. But even through the pain, I made a decision. If I couldn’t have her fully, I’d take what I could get. I’d endure the heartache if it meant having her in my life, even just a little.

When I returned to the kitchen, Irene glanced up from her coffee with a small smile. “Feel better?”

“Yeah,” I lied, forcing a grin. “Much better.”

Irene sipped her coffee and leaned back in her chair, her eyes studying me thoughtfully. “So, what are your plans for the rest of August?” she asked casually, her tone light but curious.

I shrugged, tracing the rim of my coffee cup with my finger. “Nothing exciting. Mostly getting ready for school. You?”

She smiled, her expression brightening. “I’m going on a rafting trip with my friends next week. We’re heading out of town for about a week—should be fun.”

My heart sank. A rafting trip with her friends. Was she going with that girl? The thought stung, sharp and unrelenting. I tried to push it away, but the jealousy gnawed at me, tightening my chest.

“That sounds amazing,” I said, keeping my voice as even as I could manage. “Where are you going?”

“Somewhere up north. The river’s supposed to be gorgeous this time of year,” she replied, her eyes lighting up as she talked about it. “I can’t wait. We’ve been planning this trip for months.”

Months. The word echoed in my mind, amplifying the pang of jealousy. Whoever she was thinking about—whoever she’d been planning this with—was clearly someone important to her. And it wasn’t me.

“That’s really cool,” I said, forcing a smile. “I’ve never been rafting before.”

“It’s exhilarating,” she said, leaning forward slightly. “You should try it someday. Maybe next summer?”

The casual way she said it, like there was no question about whether we’d still be in touch next summer, sent a confusing jolt through me. Did she mean it, or was it just an offhand remark? I nodded, trying to keep the growing lump in my throat at bay. “Maybe.”

Irene glanced at her watch and stretched. “I’ve got to start packing soon,” she said, standing up. “There’s a ton to do before we leave.”

I got the hint—it was time for me to go. “Of course. You’ve got a big week ahead,” I said, standing as well and gathering my things.

The walk to the door was quiet, a strange tension hanging in the air. Irene pecked a soft kiss on my forehead and opened the door. She leaned against the frame with that effortlessly cool posture of hers. “Take care of yourself, Emma,” she said, her tone warm but distant. “And don’t let school stress you out too much.”

“I’ll try,” I said, smiling faintly. “Have fun on your trip.”

She nodded, her smile softening. “I will.”

I stepped outside, the summer heat wrapping around me like a suffocating blanket. As I walked away, my thoughts swirled with jealousy and frustration.

Back at home, I flopped onto my bed, staring at the ceiling. The jealousy was overwhelming, but I knew I couldn’t say anything about it. I had no right to. Irene had made it clear—she wasn’t looking for a relationship, and I had agreed to that. So why did it hurt so much?

I grabbed my phone, instinctively opening my messages. Alice’s name was at the top of the list. Without thinking, I typed out a message.

I grabbed my phone, instinctively opening my messages. Alice’s name was at the top of the list. Without thinking, I typed out a message.

Me: I talked to Irene this morning. She said she doesn’t want anything serious. And she has someone else on her mind.

Alice: What?! Someone else? Did she say who?

Me: No. But she was clear. She doesn’t want a relationship with me.

Alice: Oh, Em. That sucks. How are you holding up?

Me: Not great. I feel like I got punched in the gut. And she’s going on a trip next week, probably with her.

Alice: Ugh. That’s rough. I’m so sorry.

I stared at Alice’s response, my chest tightening. Somehow, typing it out made it all feel more real.

Me: I feel jealous. Like, stupidly jealous. But I can’t say anything, right? She told me from the start what this was.

Alice: Okay, sure. But just because she told you doesn’t mean you can’t feel stuff. You’re human.

Me: I feel like an idiot for even hoping.

Alice: You’re not an idiot. You’re just… feeling things. It’s messy, but that’s okay.

Her reply made me pause. I’m allowed to feel things. It didn’t make the jealousy go away, but it reminded me that I didn’t have to pretend everything was fine. At least in front of myself.

Still, it didn’t change the fact that Irene would be gone for a week, with someone else, while I was stuck here, trying to sort through the mess of my emotions. I sighed, tossing my phone onto the bed.

The ache in my chest wasn’t going anywhere, but I resolved to endure it. If I couldn’t be the person Irene wanted, I could at least try to be the person she enjoyed spending time with. For now, that would have to be enough.