40 - Jack
I sat down and Ryan began to speak. His tone was quite direct contrary to his nervous look while softly chuckling, "You’re probably old enough so I can’t bribe you anymore huh?”
I smiled coldly and replied, "Definitely not."
He just spoke facts right there. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I wasn’t someone he or anyone else who liked my mom needed to convince her to say yes or give them blessings or whatnot. Though there wasn’t going on between them anyway.
“I’m going to go straight to the point then,” Ryan said as he looked at me with serious eyes. “I really like your mom, Jack. Well, it used to be just a simple kind of ‘like’ but lately, I know I couldn’t stop my feelings anymore.”
The smile on my face vanished instantly at what I heard. Still, I kept my emotions in, staying silent as I waited for him to finish his talk.
“Even when you were away and you had a cold war going on between you two… Your mom leaned on me that time. Jack, what I am saying is, I wish your mom would lean on me more. You also know this. Amy, Amy is growing up and I think Marianne needs someone to help her in raising Amy. I have seen her go through difficult times and I want to be there for her.”
I looked at the table before I responded. “So you’re saying you are what Mom needs in her life? That she can’t raise Amy without you?”
Ryan was stunned. “I’m not saying this for my own sake, Jack. But you’ll understand what I’m saying once you have your own family, you’ll surely think the same as me. You know, Marianne is–”
“Ryan,” I called him, definitely holding myself back as I clenched my hands. How he mentioned mom’s name all the time irked me to no end.
I looked at him, my eyes serious as his. If only he knew I would only be taking care of Mom and Amy for the rest of my life. As mom’s partner and Amy’s father, I was the only person who should do that.
“I know you have good intentions for mom. But I think you’re mistaken about something," I told Ryan.
“Mistaken?” Ryan asked.
I stared at him seriously, “I have no intention of leaving mom and Amy. I won’t be getting married to another woman either. The thing about Crista was a mistake. But I won’t definitely leave mom again….” There was no trace of any humor or joke in what I said. More than anything, this vow was something that I would always take with me.
He was silent for a moment before he sighed and said, “I- I get your point, Jack. I truly do. But you’re an adult, too. Someday, you will meet someone and you will also have your own family.”
“No. You didn’t get it. I have no intention of having another family other than mom and Amy. Do you wanna know why?”
I stared Ryan in the eyes, devoid of any jokes and pretense, and uttered what I deeply thought had to be said. “Because I'm not just Amy's sister. I'm her–”
“Aki!!”
My words froze mid-air as I heard a familiar voice. Somehow, I had already expected her to come.
Ryan and I both turned to the origin of the voice. Chasing after her breath, mom quickly approached us. She went straight to me, panting as she stared at me as if she didn’t know what to do. Then in a swift movement, she grabbed my arm and pulled me up from my seat.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. My son and I need to talk,” Mom told Ryan, hiding the trembling of her voice with a stubborn and brave look.
Ryan nodded in confusion and I let my mom pull me all the way outside.
When we got to the parking lot, she immediately pushed me inside the car. Suddenly, the times when mom would pick me up from school came pouring like a flashback to my head. She had always been like this to me.
Then it was during high school when I finally slowly became too attached to her. It was to the point that I felt disgusted by my own thoughts that I felt like wanting to disappear. But whenever I imagined mom’s smiles disappearing too, my heart would feel as if it was being stabbed repeatedly. In the end, I couldn’t leave her… There was no way I could leave her.
It was then I realized that I have always thought of her as more than just my mother.
She had always more than that word to me. And no words, nothing and no one were able to change my mind about that.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Mom angrily said as soon as we were both in the car.
I let out an exasperated sigh. “It’s about time he finds out the truth, mom. And to be honest, it’s getting tiring to see him chase after you. He must be stopped.”
“Aki, listen to me–”
“I don’t like it,” I interrupted mom, admitting it finally as I faced her and truthfully told her, “I don’t want you talking to him anymore. He doesn’t know anything about us. He thinks I’ll like him for you but he’s fcking wrong, mom. Why, mom, tell me, have you started liking him too?”
“What, no!” Mom exclaimed, “Aki, you don’t understand.”
“Then make me. Make me understand why you’re doing this – why you’re still keeping him close. Am I still not enough for you and Amy? Do I not look like a real man for you, mom?” I know I’m getting childish especially at this time but I can’t control myself anymore.
I always talked big but when it came to things about mom, I became immature and selfish…
I just want her. And I want to make things well for her. I want to take care of her from now on and for the rest of my life.
So why? Why is it so hard for her to let me do it?
“Aki,” mom called to me, reaching for my hand. “Look, you and I… Our love… You know it’s not easy.”
“I know it’s not,” I said.
Mom held my hand tighter. “Yes, of course. You and I both know it won’t be easy…. But the thing is, right now, we are in a place where it’s forbidden.”
“Our love is forbidden?” I asked her.
Mom’s eyes seemed to glisten as she answered in a quiet voice, “...Yes.”
“So what?” I suddenly said, making her stunned slightly. She turned to me as I sighed. “Even if it’s forbidden or whatever it is labeled, I don’t care. I… I just can’t bear to see you being so nice to Ryan, or to other men. Don’t you understand it, mom? I want you to be mine. You and Amy – I’m the one who should take care of you two. I will do it and not those other men or whoever they are. I want to stay with you and be a family together. I want to live with you. For the rest of my life, that’s something I want to do…. Is it that difficult to consider, mom? Am I… Am I not man enough in your eyes after all?”
“No…” Mom whispered, her hands reaching both of mine. There was a look on her face that told me, despite the gentleness in her voice, she never lied with her words. “You’re man enough, Aki. In my life, you’re the best and ‘most’ man I have met and would ever meet.”