Chapter 30: Better with you

Najmah ran a hand through her disheveled hair, her bare feet hitting the cold marble floors. She pushed the windows open, settling down on the windowsill as she gazed out into the lawn.

It was one of the beautiful moments she enjoyed, watching the sun rise and cast its warm glow against the surface. It was the beginning of summer in Istanbul, and she hoped it wouldn't be as hot as it was back home in Nigeria.

Home, where was home for her? Was it here in Istanbul together with Aslan or back in Nigeria with her family?

Birds tweeted from atop the tree, singing through the beautiful morning. Najmah stuck her head out of the window, inhaling the sweet morning air as a sigh escaped her pursed lips. With each intake of breath, she felt her nerves loosening up, giving her a moment of peace she sought out for since she woke up at three in the morning.

Last night was too much of a revelation to her, Aslan had revealed a part of him which she thought never existed and she wondered how many more secrets he was keeping hidden from her. What has he done in the past that he wasn't too proud of? What happened to him during his childhood? And what did he mean by his father wasn't a role model. She thought Mr. Faik was the coolest and down to earth person she had ever met apart from her Abba.

So many questions sprung up, and she groaned when she couldn't come up with any obvious answers to them. Things were confusing her; her feelings and Aslan's, what they were doing, was she ready to embark on a marital journey with him after what he revealed to her?

She has promised not to leave him but what if she made the wrong decision? What if that promise could be the end for her? Would she stand by her promise if he turned out to be someone dangerous? What had she gotten herself into?

They were already tied down together by their marital knots but was staying in the marriage an option for her? They kept going back and forth with no real destination. Was this how they were going to lead their lives forever?

She sighed, grasping her head in the palm of her hands, hating the fact that she was being kept in the dark, she absolutely abhorred the feeling. She was tired of not knowing and it was time for her to make a move but was she ready for it? Was she strong enough to carry out her intents?

{••}

Dipping the paintbrush in  black paint, she grazed it against the white canvas, painting from her heart.

Reading was her reprieve from the world but painting...painting was a means of expressing her feelings in a way that words couldn't. She painted her feelings on the canvas whenever they became overwhelming and uncontrollable, it was her form of therapy.

A slow smile etched its way to her lips as she let her heart guide the strokes made by her hand, the world around her disappearing as she got plunged into a world she created in her mind.

Arzu crossed her arms as she watched Najmah paint, totally out of tune to her surroundings. Her brow creased as she got lost in thoughts, Najmah's condition was one of the hardest cases she had been assigned to.

SPD patients rarely sought out treatment and when they did, most therapies never worked. And with Najmah's chart records, she couldn't tell if they were making progress or not. Sometimes she opened up to her and sometimes, she just scrolls through her phone or read a book till their sessions ended.

"What did you want to talk about?" she questioned, setting the chart on the coffee table as Najmah placed her paintbrush on the easel.

"What do you think about my painting?" Najmah questioned, snubbing her.

"It's uhm...dark," Arzu replied, assessing the painting."And intense?"

Najmah had painted a crimson red rose in the middle of a dark forest, surrounded by a thick blanket of dried leaves and thorns. The thorns had sharp spiky edges, casting an ominous hue over the forest. At the side of the forest was a silhouette of a man trying to break through the thorns surrounding the rose.

"Is that so?" Najmah threw her head back, gazing at the painting with a frown."I guess you're right," she shrugged, looking down at her paint covered clothes. "I gotta change, I hope you don't mind."

"Of course," Arzu smiled. "Take your time."

Najmah nodded, rising from the stool. She headed into the bathroom after picking up a fresh set of jeans and hoodie. A few minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom showered and dressed.

"You see that rose over there?" she pointed at the painting. "That's my heart."

"That," she pointed at the silhouette. "That is Aslan."

"The thorns and dried leaves?" Arzu questioned, writing down her observations.

"I think those are," Najmah frowned, taking her eyes off the painting. "They are my emotions or lack thereof."

"Najmah?" Arzu called, breaking her out of her reverie.

"Yeah?" she replied, fixing her gaze on Arzu.

"Who is Aslan to you?"

The question had her taken aback, she wasn't expecting it. Who was Aslan to her?

"He is...he is someone special."

"Are you in love with him?"

'Why does everybody keep asking me that? Don't they know that I am incapable of falling in love?' she screamed in her head.

"What I feel for him is not love," she shook her head in denial as memories of the time they spent together flooded her mind. "All I know is that I feel something special for him. The moments I've spent with him, I'll cherish them forever," she spoke, feeling a warm fluttering in the pit of her stomach. "All I know is that I don't wanna lose him."

Dr Arzu nodded, jotting down in her pad as Najmah got lost in her thoughts. She stared at the painting one last time before glancing at her wristwatch. Tucking the notepad and pen back into her bag, Arzu rose from her seat.

"Najmah," she placed a hand on her shoulder. "I will get going now, our session is over."

"Okay," Najmah nodded. "Drive safe and thank you for coming."

"I'm just doing my job," Arzu smiled at her, kissing her on both cheeks.

"Right," Najmah nodded.

"See you Monday," Arzu stated as Najmah walked her out of the house.

"See you Monday," Najmah repeated, clasping her hands behind her back.

Najmah walked back into the house with a muffled mind, thinking about the next step she was going to take concerning her future. Aslan and his family had become a massive part of her life, and she couldn't imagine her life without them. It had only been five months, but she felt like she had known them for forever. They had accepted and welcomed her into their family with open arms, with no reservations over her rushed marriage with Aslan, they had cared for and loved her like their own.

Aslan with his aloof and taciturn personality had warmed up to her and let her into his life bit by bit. He had taught her a lot of valuable life lessons upon which she would be eternally grateful. She had become used to being around him, smiled more and laughed more with him. When they were together, she felt free and more alive than she'd ever felt before. He understood her better than anyone else in her life and when she threw one of her tantrums or had an episode, he took care of her.

'Will I be able to leave him? Could I stand the ache that'll come after leaving him?'

It wasn't the thought of leaving him that scared her, it was the thought of leaving behind a part of her. Aslan completed her and the mere thought of leaving him brought a train of unshed tears to her eyes.

"Najmah," Lale paused, almost bumping into her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Najmah nodded. "I'm alright. Why'd you ask?"

"You seem a little bit upset," Lale replied.

"Nah, I'm good."

"So I have been meaning to ask you," Lale drawled, the corners of her lips lifting up. "Where did you lovebirds go to the other day?"

"An apartment," Najmah replied absentmindedly tapping a finger on her chin.

"An apartment?" Lale paled, her voice thin.

"Yeah," Najmah nodded feeling confused. "Is there something wrong?"

"No," Lale replied nervously, shaking her head. "What sort of apartment?"

"It was a rundown apartment, said he grew up there."

"Did he tell you who else lived there with him?"

"Nope, he didn't. He said something about having a rough childhood do you know anything about that? I know I shouldn't be asking you that but I just wanna know."

"I apologise Najmah," Lale shook her head remorsefully. "I am in no position to tell you that, but if he took you to that apartment, then that means he is finally ready to share his life with you."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Ya Allah!" Lale shook her head. "You are so clueless sometimes. My brother is in love with you. I could see it in his eyes, the way he looks at you, smiles at you and the way his eyes light up when he sees you."

"Really?" Najmah frowned slightly, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "I haven't noticed."

"My life," Lale mumbled, facepalming herself.

"You know maybe you should've considered being a psychologist rather than a fashion designer," Najmah joked, poking her side. "You have a talent for analyzing people, I could hire you as my shrink."

"You wish," Lale grinned shaking her head. "I have to go now. Make sure you mull over what I just said and figure out your feelings for each other. While you are at it, make sure you produce little Sadeks. It has been a long time since I heard baby cries in this mansion."

"Yeah well if you are so desperate for having little ones, why don't you get married and pop 'em out hmm?"

"Who knows?" Lale shrugged, a smile dancing on her lips. "I might do just that."

"Careful what you wish for," Najmah replied, ascending the stairs.

"If wishes were horses," Lale mumbled, adjusting the strap of her bag. The image of a certain someone blinked into her mind and quickly, she willed the memory to go away. She wasn't ready to think about it and the more she denied it, the more it resurfaced back into her mind.

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