Chapter 62
When I first developed this problem, I got anxious because I felt too vulnerable when my eyes were closed. I felt like anyone could be doing anything. I eventually got over that, but my body and mind had become programmed to make me resist closing my eyes.
My sleeping pills make it so that I wouldn't have a choice other than to close my eyes from the utter exhaustion, but they didn't put my mind at ease. For a while, my sleeping pills made me feel trapped, like I had no control. But I learned the hard way that having no sleep for weeks was much worse than being forced to sleep.
That's why I could barely begin to wrap my mind around the idea of Asmodeus being able to help me sleep. In past relationships, if I would try to fall asleep with my boyfriend, it would almost make me feel worse. I wasn't sure what made Asmodeus such a remedy.
He held too much power over my emotions, but at the same time, I trusted him more with my emotions than I did my own brain.
I proceeded to think about things until everyone woke up. I knew that I would be exhausted throughout the day, but hey, I'm the du-m-b-as-s who let her medication be crushed. A part of me was sad that I didn't spend the night with Asmodeus, but I knew that it was probably for the best.
I wouldn't want to intrude again. Now that I think about it, I actually kind of felt bad for him. He probably didn't even want me to sleep with him yesterday. I was just too selfish to not go to him.
He probably doesn't like me back, and the kiss was probably just something that he did spur-the-moment, without actually wanting to. I felt a dropping in my chest as I thought about the possibilities of how he felt about me.
Suddenly, my door swung open. I had shut my lamp off a while ago, since the sun was starting to come up. Most of my face was covered in blankets, but I could see the doorway. I looked up to see Kade standing at my door with a smile.
"Wakey wakey eggs and bakey," he said and waited for me to move, which I didn't. "I'm just gonna stand here until you get up."
I reached my hand out from under my blanket and flipped him off. He laughed.
"Fine, more bacon for me," he said, and with that, I got up- refusing to give away my bacon.
"Woah she's awake," Josie said, sarcastically astonished.
"I've been awake for a couple hours," I said and plopped down on the couch. She laughed sarcastically.
"Sureee. And I'm engaged to Chanting Tatum," she snickered as she finished setting the table. I felt Asmodeus's eyes on me, but I didn't bother looking up. I had thought so much that night, and I somehow convinced myself that he hated me. I knew he didn't, but something inside of me was forcing myself to feel otherwise.
I quickly looked up, and he was looking at me sympathetically. He probably knew that I didn't get any sleep, but he didn't bring it up. And I appreciated that.
We needed to talk.