Chapter 47
"My mom doesn't give 2 shits about me or herself, and my life sucks ass, so I'm done giving a fk. Zero f-u-c-k-s given here," I said and pointed to myself.
"Your mom loves you," he said. I shed a single tear, which I quickly wiped off.
"You don't know anything about my life. No one does. And it fking sucks." I stared off into space. He looked deeply concerned at this point. "But what can I do? I'm drunk! Now I know how my mom feels 24/7," I added.
Not only did he look confused as hell, but he seemed sincerely concerned. I rested my forehead head on his chest and felt another single tear fall numbly from my eyes.
"I'm such a mess, you shouldn't have to deal with me like this all the time, I'm sorry," my voice was smaller than expected, and it didn't happen much, but in this moment I felt as though I looked as broken on the outside as I felt on the inside.
"Don't be," he replied, rubbing my arms as I held onto the front of his shirt. "Are you okay?"
My emotions finally started catching up to my numbness when he asked me this, another tear sliding out as my heart kept sinking deep in my chest. The alcohol in my system had torn apart the usual towering walls that I kept up.
"I always am," I replied, my voice shaking a little. I hated feeling this dramatic and needy. Hated it. I kept trying to hide my tears, but failed in my disoriented state.
"Hey," he said, moving his hand to cup my face and tilt my head up so that he could make eye contact with me, "Why are you crying?" There clearly was no hiding the tears now pooling in my eyes. I put my hand on his as I continued to try and hold them back, which I usually would have been much better at.
"I'm sorry I forced myself into you guys' lives," I looked back down. "And I'm sorry I drink so much and cry about nothing... I'm just, I'm sorry I'm like this," I shook my head, a tear sliding numbly down my cheek. He wiped it, which made me look back up at him. Saying I was embarrassed would be a major understatement.
"You didn't force yourself. Me and you might have gotten off on the wrong foot but that was before I actually started to care about your annoying ass. And besides, the others wouldn't have let you go, anyway," he assured me.
"You don't have to pretend you care. No one cares, and I'm fine with that, honestly," I finished and hopped off of the counter. When I almost fell, he kept me standing.
Overcome with a slew of unknown emotions, I fell into him and started to cry. He wrapped his arms around me, and I felt comforted for the first time in a while.
We stayed in a comfortable embrace for about 5 minutes before he finally talked.
"Jessica is in the other room. He can comfort you better than I can."
"Jessica?" I asked, confused, in between sniffles. He helped me up, and walked me back into the room where the other 2 boys were.
"Crystal- my girl- how's it goin?" Jessica slurred out.
"Kade what the hell?" Asmodeus said.
"I tried to get him to stop bro," Kade responded. "Jessica drank like the whole bottle."
"I'm gonna go to bed now," Jessica said. Nobody protested.
"I think I'm gonna go home now also," I slurred and started to reach for my car keys.
"I don't think so." Asmodeus said and pulled me away from them. "Kade can you make sure that Jessica doesn't die? I'm gonna drive this hot mess back to her house."
Before I could comprehend what was happening, I was in the passenger seat of his car.
"This is a nice car," I said as he backed out of the driveway.
"Yeah, puke in it and I'll kill you." He replied.
"Ashtonnn," I slurred out, barely saying it correctly. He sighed.
"What?" He asked after a few moments.
"I just like that name," I said and giggled. "And your eyes."
"And when I see you, I feel all happy.. which is weird cuz like usually I'm too scared of being happy to be happy," I continued to slur out. He didn't respond for a few moments.
"You're drunk." His voice sounded cold.
"I am?"
"Yes. So you don't mean any of this."
"Why don't I?
"You like Jessica." He said and I looked over at him. He looked kind of sad.
"Oh," I said. "Why do I like Jessica again?"
When we pulled into a my driveway, he looked at me.
"I should probably walk you in, shouldn't I?" He said.
"Oooh! Where are we going?" I asked and looked at his hair. It looked so soft, so I reached out and touched it. He quickly pushed my hand away... rude.
"Okay, let's go." He got out of the car and opened the door on my side.
The car was too nice, I didn't want to leave it. For about 10 more minutes I stayed in the car, and he started to get very annoyed.
"I wanna sleep in here though!" I whined.
"Crystal. Get out of the car." He said as he was sitting and leaning against the car.
"No."
"Fine," he said, getting up. He reached into the car and lifted me off of the seat.
He pulled me out of the car and held me bridal style within his strong arms. I giggled and threw my arms around his neck as he closed the car door.
My body was overcome with a bubbly feeling, and I couldn't stop smiling.
"You're strong."
"Thanks.." he said, not making eye contact. Something felt off about the way he was acting. I felt strange, but I didn't know why. He seemed all closed-off and dry.
"Is your mom home?" He asked quietly as he walked in the house, a worried expression painted across the beautiful canvas of his face.
"Don't know and don't care," I responded and snuggled into his warm chest.
He didn't ask questions, and just continued to my room.
When we got there, he opened the door. As we walked over to my bed, hurt filled my heart.
"Can you stay with me?" I asked and looked into his eyes. He placed me down on my bed.
"I don't wanna be alone again just yet," I added, unable to bury my utter loneliness due to my drunken state. I felt a few tears prickle my eyes, "I'm sick of falling asleep to the feeling of being alone."
He seemed to debate his options for a second or two, before his eyes filled with hurt. He quickly iced his eyes over so that I couldn't see the hurt in them anymore.
"I don't think that's a good idea," he said and stood up and walked over to my door. "Goodnight Crystal."
"Wait," I called over, and he hesitantly looked back over at me. "Can I have the pills," I slurred out, "so I don't dream."
"Pills?" He asked, confused.
"I don't want to see his face tonight," I said, quieter now that I was starting to fall asleep. "Please."
"You shouldn't mix pills and alcohol. Just get some sleep," he replied.
"Then please just stay with me," I said, a tear sliding numbly into my pillow, but I said it too softly for him to hear.
When he walked out and shut my door. I began to feel a strong feeling in my heart, and I didn't quite know what it was.
All I knew was that it didn't feel good.
I don't know why he didn't stay, but I wish he did. I felt cold and lonely without him.
As I felt myself starting to drift off to sleep, I thought about his pretty, blue eyes.
That didn't prevent the nightmare from coming, though.