Suddenly Del’s heart was bouncing, and he realized he was anxious about what Justin thought of the idea.
“I mean…of course I’ve thought about it,” Justin admitted as he pulled away enough to be able to see Del’s face.
“And w-what do you think?” Del swallowed hard.
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
The expression on Justin’s face was one that had become familiar to Del in the last months. There was hesitant kind of hope there, but also a boatload of fear and what Del now knew was fierce independence.
Justin didn’t want to be reliant on anyone, but at the same time, he was already reliant on Del in some ways. Sure, he could cope, but—Del suddenly realized Justin was taking his thinking the wrong way.
“No, hey, babe? I wasn’t thinking about whether I want you here. Of course I do. You’re family already. It’s…I just don’t want you to feel trapped, okay?”
Justin seemed to think about it and sighed, deflating finally. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Can we…maybe give it a day or two? See if this thing with Harper’s school just blows over first?”
Del reached to grab Justin’s wrist and tugged him closer. “Yeah, absolutely. One thing at a time, right?”
“Sounds good.” Justin smiled at him, then leaned in to kiss him gently.
“There was another thing I wanted to ask,” Del found himself saying.
Justin seemed to sense his hesitance. “Oh? A good thing?”
“I don’t know…I mean…” He needed to be careful about this. He had to choose his words so that Justin didn’t think of them as criticism. He was just figuring out what his sexuality actually felt like in practice, and Del couldn’t mess this up for him.
“Hey, it’s okay. Whatever it is, just…ask.” Justin squeezed his fingers, looking at him so lovingly it took Del’s breath away.
“I loved making love to you. I didn’t know it would be that good,” he managed to say, smiling slightly.
“Okay. But…?” Justin looked at him curiously, with a little bit of insecurity creeping into his beautiful eyes.
“I bottomed with Clyde. Most of the time,” Del explained, and watched as Justin’s beautiful brain started to whir.
I’m in love with him.
The realization hit Del hard, but he didn’t let it show, because nothing about how it made him feel felt negative.
“Okay? What does that mean for us now?”
“Would you like to top sometimes?”
Justin blinked. He seemed surprised, as if he hadn’t even considered the idea.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Del added quickly.
“No, it’s just…wow…” Justin breathed. He looked at Del, as if seeing him with new eyes suddenly. Then he flushed red and he nodded, clearing his throat. “I…I think that can be organized.”
Del chuckled. “Oh, you like the idea, don’t you?”
“Making love with you was mind blowing,” Justin said seriously. “I don’t care which way we do it. It’ll…I mean, I can’t promise it’ll be great when I do it for the first time, but you know, it will be when I get the hang of it.”
Del smiled widely and pulled Justin into a kiss. Before the kiss could change into anything more heated, Justin pulled away and yawned hard enough for his throat to make a funny sound, making them both laugh.
“Maybe a raincheck, though? I think I’m too tired tonight.”
Yeah, definitely in love with him.
“Let’s just go to bed. I might’ve promised the kids we’d do something fun outside tomorrow. All of us,” Del said, tugging Justin up and off the couch.
“Sort of like a family thing?” Justin asked quietly, that hope making his voice light.
“Uh-huh, exactly.”
“Cool. We’ll figure it out in the morning.”
They brushed their teeth, taking turns at the sink, and it felt domestic enough to hurt.
When they got settled in bed, Justin wanting to be the small spoon even though they’d probably end up the other way around before morning, Del felt the hope flare in his own chest.
He hadn’t planned on having a family. Not after how things went with Clyde. That had been it for him. He’d wanted it once and been shot down by someone he would’ve given his life to. But this, what he now had with Justin and the kids. This was so much better than anything he could’ve ever imagined.
All he had to do was show them he wanted them all. Forever. 15
There was no employee break room at the feed store, just a coffee machine and a soda machine jammed into the corridor near the back office, so everyone tended to take their breaks out the back, in the shady spot by the fire exit. There a bench there, and an old tin can filled with cigarette butts that someone only ever remembered to empty out once it was overflowing. Justin sat on the bench, his legs extended so that the toes of his new boots just touched the sunlight, and grinned as he watched the video on his phone.