Del looked like he didn’t know if Justin was joking or not. “So, yeah. Basic recipes with simple ingredients that you don’t need a bunch of different pans and utensils and gadgets to cook. And it has to be both budget-conscious and healthy and tasty.” He smiled. “I spent the last few years coming up with fancier and fancier stuff for the restaurant because the idea there was to get people to come in for meals they couldn’t make at home. This is really different. It’s a challenge, but it’s a fun one.” He laughed. “Clyde would think I was crazy!”
Justin tried to act casual. “Clyde is…?”
“My ex,” Del said. “Hey, want to help me chop these carrots?”
“Sure.” Justin crossed to the counter, and stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Del as they worked. Del peeled the carrots and Justin chopped them. “He was the one you ran the restaurant with?”
“He bought me the restaurant as an engagement present,” Del said. He snorted when he saw Justin’s incredulous look. “Right? But I was young and very easily impressed with him. He was older than me. He talked about French literature over dinner, and I was young and dumb enough to think that because I couldn’t understand what the hell he was talking about, it must have been because he was so much smarter than me. I felt so lucky that someone that clever and sophisticated would talk to me, you know? Whereas now I just know he was a pretentious asshole.”
Justin felt a pang of something he couldn’t quite define. He wondered how much of Del’s past with his ex was casting a shadow over him and Del now. Did Del worry that he was like Clyde? Because Del was older, a lot older, but he wasn’t pretentious at all. And he wasn’t an asshole either.
He chopped the carrots carefully. “Did you always know you were gay?”
“Hmmm.” Del paused for a moment, a curl of carrot peel dropping onto the counter. “That’s a hard question to answer. I always knew, I think, even though I didn’t really become aware of it until I hit puberty and realized I was different from the other boys in my class. So I guess I’d always known, but it hadn’t occurred to me until then. Does that make sense?”
Justin nodded. “What was that like, growing up here, knowing that?”
Del’s expression softened. “I could ask you the same question, couldn’t I?”
“Yeah.” Justin felt his face heat up. “I don’t think I knew until I left home. Then this one time I was sitting on a bus in Pendleton and this boy got on and I thought, ‘Wow, he’s hot!’ and it was like getting struck by lightning or something, because I never would have thought something like that back here in Enterprise.”
“Why not?” Del asked.
Justin shrugged. “Dunno. It was like I just wouldn’t have. Jesus, my Uncle Steve’s face the day Mom brought home Harper’s dad? A black guy?” He snorted and shook his head. “There’s lines you don’t cross, Del, and I guess I never let myself think about it because if I did, I might’ve had to admit that I’d crossed a line too by being the way I am.”
Del’s forehead was creased with concern. “Justin, I’m so sorry.”
Justin wrinkled his nose. “I mean, it’s not like I even knew I was in denial or anything. I felt so dumb, when it hit me.”
“And did you have anyone in Pendleton to talk to about it?” Del asked.
Justin shook his head. “No. Pendleton’s not far enough away from Enterprise, you know? I thought that maybe after I got my GED I’d move to Portland or something, and like I’d be a new person and my real life would begin.” His face burned, and his voice cracked. “I’d sometimes watch these shows on TV where guys went on dates and held hands and kissed and stuff, and imagine that was me, but I couldn’t even work up the guts to smile at a guy in class, let alone go on Grindr, you know? So how’d I even think those guys on dates could ever be me? I never even kissed anyone before you!”
He stopped, shocked that he’d admitted that.
For a moment there was an expression on Del’s face that Justin couldn’t read, and then Del set the peeler down and pulled Justin into a hug. Justin let the knife drop onto the counter and then rested his head on Del’s shoulder, relaxing into Del’s warm, strong embrace.
“Justin, one day, when you’re ready, I’m going to date the hell out of you.” Del’s voice sounded wrecked as well. “I’ll bring you flowers, and I’ll hold your hand, and I’ll kiss you as much as you want.”
Justin closed his stinging eyes, and tried to laugh. “Will you let me use your jacket if it’s cold?”
Such a dumb joke, because Del had already done so much more than that for him. But Del only tightened his hold on Justin, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.