God. He should have been here for the kids earlier. He closed his eyes as a memory hit him. He must have been four or five, and Mom was yelling at him for picking up a needle and playing with it.
“No, Justin, no! That’s for Mommy’s medicine!”
He should have been here for the kids.
Justin opened his eyes to find Del watching him. He fussed over Scarlett as an excuse to look away. He wasn’t entirely sure why Del was here. “Neighborly” didn’t stretch far in Enterprise, at least with the O’Dwyers, and not without reason. A bitter, angry part of him wanted to demand to know why Del was here, why he gave a damn, but his eyes were kind and the lasagna smelled good, and the kids were so fucking sick of sandwiches for dinner. They hadn’t had a proper home cooked meal since Justin had arrived back on their doorstep, and probably not for a long while before that too. When Mom was good she was great, but when she was using again…well, here they all were, right?
Justin held Scarlett as he watched Harper drag a stack of chipped plates out of the cupboard and Wyatt sort through the pile of cutlery with a focused stare. Del checked the refrigerator and found the orange juice, and Justin nodded when he held it up questioningly. There was more in the pantry courtesy of the food bank.
Wyatt grinned up at Del as Del helped him wash his hands at the sink, his dark eyes widening as Del showed him how to rub his hands together and make soap bubbles by blowing through them. He didn’t laugh out loud, but it was the brightest Justin had ever seen him.
“I don’t want juice,” Harper announced as she sat down at the table. “I want soda.”
“We don’t have any soda,” Justin told her.
“I don’t want juice,” she repeated, narrowing her eyes at him. “And neither does Wyatt. Wyatt wants milk.”
Justin didn’t know how she did it, but Harper always spoke on Wyatt’s behalf and seemed to know exactly what he wanted. They were close, which made days when Harper was at school frustrating for both Justin and Wyatt, because Justin couldn’t tell just by looking what Wyatt was asking for.
“We’ve only got juice or water,” Justin said, and Wyatt’s face fell. “When the payment comes through from social security, we can get milk and soda then.”
He wanted to beg Harper to be good, and not whine in front of Del. He wanted her to be grateful for getting a good meal for once, and not complain, but he couldn’t say that because then she’d know exactly how much she was getting to him, and she was smart enough and angry enough to exploit it. And Del would know exactly how bad a job Justin was doing, and what if he told people? People expected the worst anyway, but Justin didn’t want social services finding out how much Harper hated him.
Once when Justin was about nine and Mom was using again, a woman from social services had come to visit and Mom had cried for days afterward about the possibility of Justin getting taken away from her and put into a foster home. Bad things happened in foster homes, Mom had said, and Justin hadn’t known what she meant back then, but he knew now. Mom had been put in a bunch of foster homes when she was a kid, and sometimes when Justin had opened her door at night she screamed because he’d woken her from a nightmare where she thought she was back there. And Justin knew that it wasn’t like that for everyone, maybe not even for the majority of kids, but he couldn’t take that chance. Harper might hate him, but she’d hate him more if he lost her to a system that hurt her.
Harper glared at him as she found cups for the juice.
Del either didn’t notice the tension, or pretended not to, as he took the lasagna out of the oven and served it up. He carried it over to the table in two trips. “Do you have a high chair?” he asked.
“No.” Justin sat down with Scarlett on his lap. “I’m getting pretty good at eating with one hand though.”
Del smiled, the skin around his eyes crinkling in that way that never failed to make Justin’s stomach swoop. “Well, if you want to dig in with both hands, let me know and I’ll hold her.”
“Thanks.” Justin used his fork to section off a sliver of his lasagna for Scarlett. She was still on formula too, but she liked trying whatever food everyone else was eating. He waited for it to cool while everyone else began to eat.