Chapter 93

I knew the preparation work had been hard on Hana. Seymour had kept me in the loop of what was happening during the meetings. He had also reported back that Hana was taking it well. She hadn’t broken down once. She just got a determined look when the questions got harder and more personal. But I knew she must be hurting. I could hear it when we talked on the phone. I could hear the tiredness in her voice and how she seemed less of herself each day. That’s why I decided to surprise her today with my pathetic excuse for a home cooked dinner. I had managed to make hamburgers and fries. I had not expected Hana to burst out crying. Neither had I expected the confession she was giving me on how she was feeling. I was furious that she was forced to feel like that.

“Hana, there is nothing ugly about you. Not your outside and definitely not your inside,” I told her and made her look at me. The tears running down her face broke my fucking heart. As I tried to wipe them away, she shook her head.

“There are things you don’t know about me. About things that happened when I was younger,” she said.

“I know you, sweetness. I don’t need to know every single thing that happened in your past. I know who you are and I know you are a good person. You have a big heart, you are loyal and when you add someone to your group of people, you take care of them. You are a brilliant human being and my life is better each moment you are a part of it,” I told her. She was still crying and I could see that even if she listened to me, she didn’t take it to heart. “Come on, sweetness. You need a shower and I will join you and tell you a story,” I told her as I picked her up and took her into the bathroom. I made sure the water was hot while she undressed. I knew she liked her showers scolding, but I needed to be able to join her. So I set the heat to just under lava. I took off my own clothes as she got into the shower. I got in behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. “Better?” I asked.

“Yes, thank you,” she told me as she stood with her face turned into the water. I kissed her shoulder.

“A couple of years before I left the marines, my unit was stationed… somewhere. One day orders came in that said a terrorist cell had been identified in a village close to where we were based. Our orders were to clear out every adult in the settlement. There was no way to know who was a terrorist and who were civilians and according to intel, they were part of planning a strike against civilian targets back home. We had been in the settlement before, as part of us building relationships with the local population. We knew there were good people there. But orders are orders. My unit went in during the night and when dawn broke, there wasn’t an adult person left alive. We left behind a village of children and young teenagers to fend for themselves. We sent investigators to the village after it had been cleared. From the report, it was three of the people in that settlement that had formed the cell. The rest of them were ordinary people, trying to survive and raise their families. It wasn’t the only mission of its kind. I have the blood of innocent people on my hands, Hana. To protect the many, we sacrifice the few. It was one of the reasons why, when we retired from official duty, Jason and I started our company. Now we are in charge of who we help. We don’t have to take on missions that we don’t agree with. That doesn’t mean my past doesn’t haunt me. I still see faces of people I have killed in my dreams. We all do. I don’t talk about it, because part of me hasn't forgiven myself for the things I have done and I don’t want people to see that part of me. I don’t want you to see that part of me and look at me in that light,” I told her. Hana shifted in my arms until she was facing me. Her face held sorrow, but also so much compassion and love that it took my breath away.

“I see you Hunter. I see who you are and I don’t blame you for your past. You had orders, you had to follow them,” she said. Her acceptance of my darker sides humbled and overwhelmed me.

“We do things to survive that we aren’t always proud of. And a lot of the time we have to choose between doing them or perish. I don’t judge you for your past, Hana. You are a survivor and I’m grateful for it. It let’s me be with you now.”

“Thank you, Hunter. I needed to hear that. I’m still ashamed of it, but I feel better about it,” Hana said and wrapped her arms around me so we were both holding on to each other.

“Would it make you feel better if I promise not to be there when you testify?” I asked. She sighed.

“No. Everyone else will know. I don’t want you to be the only one who doesn't know. And I will feel better if you are there,” she told me.

“Then I will be there,” I promised her. “Do you feel better? Do you think you are ready to eat?”

“Oh, dinner. I have ruined it. And you have been cooking for me,” she said, looking up at me. I chuckled.

“It’s just burgers. The fries may be a little cold, but I think it will be okay. You are more important,” I told her and placed a kiss on her wet hair.

“Can you stay?” she asked as we got dressed.

“You try to get me to leave and I will show you how stubborn I really am,” I said.

“I don’t have any desire to test that tonight. I want to eat and then spend the rest of the evening with you.”

“I can get behind that,” I said as I plated our food while Hana fixed Cuddles dinner. Cuddles came walking, loudly telling us dinner was late and he had been starving. He walked between Hana and myself, rubbing against our legs and talking to us. I bent down and scratched his head. “Don’t go tripping me as I put food on the table,” I told him and gently nudged him towards Hana.

“Here, Cuddles. I have your dinner,” she called and walked over to the place she had set up for his food and water. The cat happily trotted along and dived into the bowl of food. Both Hana and I chuckled as we sat down with our own food. I could see Hana relaxing through the dinner. By the end, I coaxed a genuine laugher from her and it eased the worry in me. I put Hana on the couch with a mug of tea while I cleaned up, and then I joined her. She had cuddled up under the lilac, fluffy blanket I had got her and that was now one of her favourites. Cuddles was curled up on her lap, lazily purring. He opened one eye to look at me as I took my place next to her and made her lean against me. We watched a cooking competition in silence. It didn’t take long before I felt Hana relax into me and I looked down to see she had fallen asleep. I took the mug from her hands, but remained seated on the couch. We were all comfortable and I saw no reason to move. I needed to talk to Seymour, we needed to discuss if there was a way to make this easier for Hana. I hated the stress all this was putting her through. This had all started because we wanted to protect her. Now it just seemed like we put her through hell. I couldn’t imagine sitting through hours of someone digging into my past, asking questions about things I wanted to forget, poking at old wounds. She was so much stronger than she thought she was. I picked up Cuddles and he objected.

“You can walk to bed on your own little paws,” I told him as I put him on the ground. I saw him getting ready to jump up again and reached down, turned him around and gave his ass a little pat. “Off you go. We are right behind you.” The look he gave me was pure indignation. I stood up and lifted Hana. She cuddled closer as I carried her into her bedroom. She had put on one of my t-shirts after the shower and nothing else. I put her under the covers and stripped down to my boxers before joining her. As I pulled her into my arms and she found her spot, I made a promise to myself to do a better job at protecting her.