Chapter 42: The Never Enough

\[ R Y D E R \]

As if Kara knew exactly what I was going to say, she quickly pulled away. She was breathing heavily, and her eyes were suddenly glassy.

"Kara," I said.

"No!" she yelled back, not wanting to be touched.

"No..." she said again, meekly this time.

I stepped closer and wrapped her in my arms again. She buried her face in my chest and I kissed the top of her head.

Damn, she smells like roses.

"I know what you're gonna say, Ry. Don't say it," she said to my chest.

How did she do that? She could just read me like a book. Actually, we could read each other like a book. It was weird, I never understood it. But somehow, we always knew what the other person was thinking about, even when we didn't say it out loud.

"Kar, I think we both know where this is going..." I said as I held her tightly still.

"You can't do this to me, Ryder. Don't do this to me!" her voice cracked.

Is she crying?

I peeled her from my chest so I could take a better look at her face. She was crying. But she was trying her hardest not to make a big deal out of it.

"Kara..."

"I know what you're gonna say. Please, don't say it," she was trembling.

I bit my lip and sighed.

"Fine... I won't say it," I said as I took a step back. I didn't have to say it. I was certain we both knew already.

I took a deep breath and moved to the corner of the room where the speaker was. Kara stood in her spot as I hooked my phone up to the speaker and chose a song. Seconds later, a soft guitar began to play.

"Will you dance with me?" I held my hand out to her.

She was quiet for a second, biting her lip to hold herself from crying. But I was persistent, I held my hand out closer to her. She looked at my hand and let out a sigh. Then, with fear and uncertainty in her eyes, she took my hand.

Soon enough, I was holding her in my arms again. Our bodies fitted so perfectly together, as if we were made for each other. I started moving slowly and Kara was moving with me. She was stiff at first, but after some time, she finally rested her head on my chest and our bodies swayed to the music. And so, we danced, with our thoughts roaming in the air somewhere.

Just one more minute, just let me hold her for one more minute.

"Hey... you know that I love you, right?" I said finally.

She nodded slightly into my chest.

"I'm really sorry," I whispered to her ears.

"What for?" she murmured.

"For coming back here to fight for you," I paused for a second before saying, "I might have fought a little too hard maybe,"

She smiled against my chest.

"That's okay, I want you to fight for me,"

"We gave it a good fight though, didn't we?" I tilted her chin up and gave her a small smile.

"Yeah, we did," she smiled bitterly back. "We were almost there,"

Then she put her head back down and we just swayed to the music. I could feel her breathing through my chest. That was tough. My chest was breaking, literally.

"Why'd you change your mind, Ry?" she said suddenly. "I thought we weren't gonna hold back this time? Whatever happened to writing a new ending for us?"

I palmed her face with my hands, tilting her face up to meet mine. I needed her to look into my eyes, so she'd know how desperately honest I was trying to be with her.

"I wanted us to have a life together, I wanted it more than anything. But I also don't want you to give up on your life for me," I said.

"But, I'm not," she shook her head.

"You are. You weighed your options and you're settling for me," I said again.

"But that's what I want, you're what I want,"

"But I don't want that for you. I don't want you to settle. I want you to get all the best things that life could offer,"

"But, you are the best thing in my life,"

"No, I'm not," I scoffed. "But someday, there will be someone who'd be that for you. Someone who'd be right for you. Someone who'd be good..."

"But... you are good to me,"

That made me smile. But I quickly clenched my jaw to stop myself. I knew I wasn't worth it. All I ever did was make her cry.

"No, baby I'm not. I was bad for you. Still am..." I didn't know how, but my voice just cracked. "I wanted too much and I took too much. That's why, for once in my life, I have to do some good by you. For once in my life, let me do right by you,"

She was shaking her head and tears trickled down her face. My fingers quickly went up to catch them. And when the tears won't stop flowing, my lips landed on the side of her eye.

I'd kiss all these tears away.

"Ry..." she croaked.

"Ssh, it's okay," I cooed her.

"This isn't fair,"

"I know baby, I know," I stroked her hair gently as she gripped my shoulders tighter. "But you know why I have to do this, right?" I said again.

She sighed and nodded weakly.

She pulled away, just a little. Then she started wiping her eyes and taking deep breaths to calm herself down. She had stopped crying, but I could tell she was on the verge of breaking down again at any moment.

"What's gonna happen to us now?" she said lowly.

I smiled as I tucked a strand of hair away behind her ear.

"Well... we'll just live," I said, having difficulty hearing my own words. "Who knows, maybe five years from now, our paths will cross again... Maybe you'll get married to some great motherfucker that I'll wish I could kill... and then I'll be at your wedding. And I'll tell you about how desperately in love I was with you five years ago, and we can laugh about how we broke each other's hearts,"

I had intended it to be funny. But that was fucking sad. I tried to give her the most genuine smile my lips could offer, but it wasn't doing it right. I couldn't shake the resentment in my own words.

"Ry... I don't think I can go on without you," she was going to cry again.

"You can. And you will. You're strong and fearless, Kar. Heck, you agreed to run off to some distant island with me. I mean who does that?" I snorted a laugh, and a small smile escaped her lips. "You can do anything, baby, I'm sure of that,"

The song had come to an end. Now there was nothing but empty sighs in the air. I knew my time was running out, so I slowly let go of my grip around her.

"I'm gonna let you go now. And you have to let me go, okay?" my voice came out in breaths.

She didn't say anything, she was just looking down. Good girl, she was trying to hold it together.

I drifted towards her room and started picking out my things and shoving them in my bag. She was watching me, her eyes followed me everywhere I went, but she didn't say a thing.

When I had finished packing up all my things, I looked up at her, and she was just leaning against the bedroom door. Then she turned to her heels and grabbed my old black hoodie from the closet.

"Here," she said, handing it over to me.

"It's yours," I wanted her to have something of mine. At least just that.

She nodded meekly and placed the hoodie back in the closet.

"Please don't leave," she breathed suddenly. Her back was turned to me as she was facing the closet.

My heart stopped at her words. I wanted so much to have her in my arms again, my hands curled into a fist.

Don't break now. Don't fucking cry either, you fucking moron. If you let her see you cry, she won't be able to pull it together too.

"Hey, I'll always be with you, just like you'll always be with me," I said slowly, moving to stand right behind her.

She didn't move at all, so I grabbed her shoulders gently and turned her around. She was crying again.

"It's not like you'll lose me forever. I'm still your family," I said, wiping off the tears one last time. "I always will be,"

I wasn't gonna say the words ‘good bye’. I saw it in her eyes, she wanted the same thing too. So I just took a deep breath and I kissed her forehead instead. I took my time, and I held my breath for as long as I could. Until my lungs gave out.

As I finally pulled back, I gave her one last smile. "Here's looking at you, kid," I said, quoting Casablanca, which was her favorite movie that we had watched together back in Hawaii.

Her lips twitched into a smile mixed with a frown. I looked into her eyes, and she looked into mine, and we both knew. We had loved each other greatly, and maybe that was enough.

Please be happy, princess. Don't let our best memories bring you sorrow.

And so I walked away.

"Ry..." I could imagine her soft little voice said it. But she never said anything.

And I never turned back.

It was the worst feeling in the world, knowing that you both love each other, but still you just couldn't be together.

I stepped out of her apartment, and I just kept on walking. I didn't really know where I was going. I just kept on walking straight for several blocks, until finally, I ended up by the pier, where I couldn't go straight anymore.

When my hands reached for my pocket, I felt the small velvet box that was tucked inside. I took it out, and that little ring was just sitting there. The bright blue stone, it really did remind me of her eyes.

I couldn't keep this with me. It would be too painful of a reminder. So before I could stop myself, I threw that box and the ring as far away into the body of water as I could. I saw it twinkling a little before it splashed into the water.

Wait, did I just throw a $5,000 engagement ring into a river?

Oh, well. I sneered at my pathetic self.

I mean, I could have gone back to the store to get a refund on that. But that wouldn't be as dramatic now, wouldn't it? My stupid head commented sarcastically.

Bad jokes and self-loathing, I guess they will be my only company now.

As I picked up my bags and turned around, I saw that Cole kid, standing there. He was walking his dog, and he was just as shocked to see me as I was to see him.

"Running into you two times in a day. We must be soul mates," I joked, but he was just stiff, he wasn't amused.

Cole's eyes darted to my duffel bag. His eyes shot back up at me, waiting for an explanation.

"Or maybe the universe was trying to tell me something," I said again, mainly to myself.

"What are you talking about? Are you two going already?" he asked.

I shook my head and snorted a laugh. "No, but I am,"

Cole looked at me with an expression I couldn't decipher— maybe confusion, maybe relief, and maybe gratitude.

"Oh, don't flatter yourself. I didn't do it because of you," I rolled my eyes at him. "I did it for her,"

He was floored, his jaw fell open. I guess he must not be expecting that at all.

"I think you should go see Kara, she could really use a friend right now," I said to him, giving him a wry smile before turning away.

"Ryder," he called out to me suddenly. I stopped in my tracks, but I didn't turn around. I didn't feel like seeing his face again. "For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing," he said.

Yeah. I just wish it wouldn't feel so damn shitty.

I didn't turn around, but I knew he was still watching me. So I just raised my hand, giving him the middle finger, and I kept on walking. And I never looked back.

New York City, I hope I won't have to see you again, not for a while.

\- - - - - To Be Continued - - - - -