Brea could’ve stayed with the new ponies all day, but Master Arturo insisted she go back to the palace for lunch. She’d been there since dawn, not wanting to leave.
The stable boys—or men, she supposed since they weren’t very young—worked under the harsh eye of their Master. He hadn’t forgiven them for their antics three days ago.
She felt kind of sorry for them, but also thankful because their absence meant she got the coolest experience of her life.
She rode one of the horses back to the palace with Emmett trailing behind and passed the reins off to him after dismounting in the courtyard.
Her stomach rumbled, but she refused to go to the great hall for lunch. Her moms would be there, and she hadn’t spoken to them since they revealed her Fargelsian heritage without her knowledge. That wasn’t their secret to tell, but what did they care? She might be related to her mom by blood, but she wasn’t her daughter, not truly. You couldn’t force a family connection no matter how hard you tried.
She could have Rowena fetch her lunch, but found herself standing outside the library instead of her own rooms. It was her favorite place in the palace other than her wishing fountain. When she stood among the tall shelves of books, she could pretend she was back in the world she’d grown up in.
When she flipped through human books she’d never considered reading before, she could almost believe nothing had changed and that her best friend was preparing to talk her ear off about the newest story he’d soared through.
Maybe that was the real reason she loved it here. It reminded her of Myles.
She skimmed a finger along familiar spines as she wound through the stacks to reach the nook at the back, only to find she wasn’t alone.
Finn lounged on the pillow-covered bench with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix open on his lap. It was such an odd sight in this land, she couldn’t contain the laugh that bubbled up.
Finn jerked his head up. “Oh, it’s you.”
She hadn’t seen him since he was drunk at her party, and she suspected he was avoiding the world just like her. “Don’t you work?” She hopped up onto the end of the bench. “You’re part of the queen’s guard, right? The troops your father leads?”
He nodded and snapped his book shut. “They do give us time off occasionally.”
“Oh.” She pursed her lips, unsure what more to say to him. A strange sense of déjà vu struck her, and she realized it was because they’d been in this predicament once before, both seeking solitude in the library and finding each other instead. Maybe it meant they were… friends. She so desperately needed a friend right now. She’d cling to just about any thread of kindness.
A sigh rattled from his lips. “Brea… I haven’t gotten the chance to tell you how sorry I am about your friend.”
She looked away. “Yeah… thanks.” Her eyes glassed over, but she blinked away the tears. “I’m sorry Alona wasn’t here for her birthday.” Their birthday.
He stared down at the book in his lap. “This was her favorite.”
Brea scooted closer. “Why?”
“She thought it was hilarious humans thought magic worked this way.”
Brea laughed. “But we—I mean they—don’t. It’s just a story, fiction. Humans don’t believe magic exists at all.”
“Like the muggles.”
She bit back a grin. “Yes, like the muggles.”
“When Lochlan brought human books back from their world, it was almost like he wanted to see how humans thought. I always wondered if the gifts meant more if he…”
“Loved Alona?”
Finn nodded. “Even when Loch and I were sort of together—”
“Wait.” She put a hand up. “Hold on. You cannot just drop this bomb and keep talking.”
“Bomb?”
So many questions rolled through her mind. “So, you and Loch, like… dated?”
“I don’t know what dating is, but we were young boys. You forget, Brea, that fae are—”
“Pansexual dreamboats? Yeah, I’ve been told. I’m just trying to picture it. Lochlan is so… Lochlan. And you’re basically perfect.”
He shook his head. “Lochlan is more than you think he is. When we were trying to find a way into Fargelsi, we were attacked.”
“And you saved him by getting him back to Eldur.”
He nodded. “After he took a sword for me.”
She didn’t know what to say to that.
“Lochlan and I never had real feelings for each other, but he is one of the few people I want beside me as long as I live.”
“And Alona is the other.” By the way people talk in this palace, she was a saint everyone loved. Brea tried not to resent her.
Finn rubbed a hand over his face. “Have you ever felt like your soul had been ripped from your chest? It’s a hopelessness, a knowledge that you can’t do a thing to save the most important fae in your life.” A tear trickled down his cheek, and Brea remembered a similar question he’d asked her the first time they sat here.
Have you ever loved someone so much it killed you when they were gone?
You feel as if you’re no longer alive, like your heart refuses to beat until you see them again.
We wish the pain away in the same breath we hold on to it as a reminder of what they were to us.
And yet, nothing had changed since then. Finn and Lochlan’s mission to the border only ended in more pain.
Brea scooted closer and wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders. “I know exactly what that feels like, Finn,” she whispered.
He lifted his eyes to hers, and she saw herself staring back. Her fear. Her guilt.
“This Myles,” he started. “You love him as much as I love her, don’t you?”
She nodded. “Not romantically, but it’s just as strong. Finn, he’s my only family.”
He leaned his head against hers. “Not your only family.”
“If you mean the moms I don’t know, don’t say it. They just want Alona back. This isn’t my home, Finn.”
He held out his hand palm up. “Take my hand.”
She threaded her fingers through his.
He squeezed her hand. “We can be each other’s family. You and I… we’ll get them back, Brea.”
“We have to. I thought I killed Myles once, and it was unbearable. But now, I will do anything to save him.”
“When the time comes, Brea, I’ll help you. That’s my promise. No matter what, I’ll make sure you get him back.”
She sniffled. “And I’ll do whatever I have to do to bring Alona home to you.”
Finn wasn’t the first person in this world to make a promise to her.
But he was the first person she knew in her heart wouldn’t break it.
###
Rowena eventually found Brea in the library and brought lunch to her and Finn. They stayed there flipping through books and sharing stories of Alona and Myles. It was better than any kind of therapy.
For the first time, she felt like someone truly had her back.
Not her aunt or her moms. Not the boy she’d started falling for in Gelsi or the one who drove her insane in Eldur.
Finn was nothing more than a soldier, a friend.
He was what she needed.
“When Alona comes back,” she started. “I want to convince the queen she should get one of the new ponies as a welcome home present.”
Finn smiled. “She loved being around the horses.”
“Loves. We aren’t allowed to talk in past tense. I’ve told you this before.” It was the first inkling that Brea and Alona had anything in common. “I hope she likes me.”
“She will. Alona is kind. She can make you feel like the most important fae in Eldur.”
The door to the library opened, and footsteps sounded on the other side of the stacks before Lochlan came into view, a scowl on his face.
“I looked for you two at lunch.”
Brea shrugged and gestured to the tray of half-eaten food on the table. “We’re not exactly in the mood for palace goings on.”
Lochlan looked from Finn to Brea, his frown deepening. “Both of you have been avoiding me as well as the queens.”
“Not in the mood for a lecture.” Finn stood, leaving his book behind. “Brea, I won’t forget that promise.” He walked off, leaving Brea and Lochlan staring at each other while his steps faded away.
“What promise?” Lochlan asked after another beat of silence.
Brea got to her feet. “It’s not important.” For some reason, she wanted to keep the deal she’d made with Finn secret. Lochlan would probably call such a promise reckless, but he didn’t know how empty either of them felt. Brea understood Finn on a level she’d never expected. “Why were you looking for me? Want news on our girls?”
“They’re not our girls,” he scoffed. “Those ponies belong to the kingdom until they’re sold.”
“I will not allow them to be sold.” Her jaw clenched. “If you can just forget how it felt holding them in your lap when they came into the world, you’re colder than I thought.”
“I never claimed to be anything other than cold. I’m not your friend, Brea.”
“Noted.” She looked away, trying not to think of him coming to her room injured or seeking her out in the barn. When she met his gaze again, a storm brewed in his eyes.
“Your mother has asked me to help with your magic.”
“You’re my tutor?” She brushed by him. “Hard pass.”
“You don’t have a choice in this.”
She twisted on her heel, coming face to face with him. “Right, I forgot. I don’t have choice in anything.”
His gaze hardened. “You are eighteen now, of an age to control your powers. Powers we know nothing about. You did a partial healing on me, something I haven’t ever seen. Your blood is half Fargelsian and half Eldurian. The rarest of mixtures when Gelsi does not allow its citizens to cross borders.” He leaned down so their faces were closer. “We. Do. Not. Know. What. You. Can. Do.” He bit out each word. “Do you understand how dangerous that is?”
She shrank away from him and his blazing eyes. “It’s daytime. Can’t you only use magic at night?”
“I do not need to use magic to test yours or to teach you further control. You do not control magic, Brea. That is impossible. But magic is fed by emotions, amplifying them. And those, our feelings, can be controlled.”
Her entire life, she’d felt the power whenever she was angry or scared or sad. Her shoulders slumped as she realized Lochlan was right. She didn’t want to feel like this any longer.
She couldn’t.
Because it wasn’t going away.
Brea was fae, and she had magic. Two truths she could no longer ignore.
Heaving a sigh, she met Lochlan’s gaze once more. “I need help.” She couldn’t admit he was right, but this was as far as she went.
He nodded, his expression softening. “We start now.” He moved to walk away but stopped and turned back to her. “We will understand your power, Brea. I won’t let it overwhelm you.” He opened his mouth to say more but shut it and nodded before walking to the door.
“Thank you,” she whispered, too quiet for him to hear.